Alone In A Hotel Room- Putting Together Who I Am After Vippasana

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Overcoming Ourselves, Vipassana Meditation

So, day 4 alone, in a hotel room, four hours south of my family in Siem Reap, Cambodia. I just made that up, you know. I totally shot that out of nowhere. I have no idea if I’m north, east, west, or southwest of them; but in the greater scheme of things I won’t lose much sleep over. I am far, far away; and contemplative. I wanted to say “happy about it” or “loving it” or “estastic” , and I am all of those things, but I am mostly thoughtful. I love my family so much, so much, so much; and have decided that I simply will not run away from them anymore.

I don’t run away, like go off for weeks on end all the time. This is the sixth time in my life as a mom (almost 11 years) that I’ve gone off for more than a few hours or a night. What I mean is that I feel like I am not present, really present, even though I adore, admire and love them to death. I’m there but I’m also running full-speed in my head, tensely, with brow furrowed, somewhere. Something to do, organize, think about, do, do, do. And so, my beloved (and I can’t say enough how cool this guy is. Go buy one today! They are in limited supply!); yes, where was I, my beloved has said stay as long as you like. When you are ready, come home.

Ahhhhh! I so have to do that guy! So badly. (Blush.) Deep breath. Sigh.

But, the point is this: When Will I Be Ready? (It’s a video you may enjoy! Highly entertaining and you get to experience first-hand this huge zit who moved onto my forehead)

So, what have I been doing these days alone? Looks like this:

gabi klaf, towards enlightenment, one step at a time

 

Every day, about the same. And it’s just lovely. I think Scott is moving on to Siem Reap tomorrow so that

a- I have to figure out how to wake up at 5ish. He usually is kind enough to stop by, knock on my door until I burp or mumble something indicating I’m awake, and then go meditate himself. I’ll try to download an alarm clock with the super slow internet here.

And b- that I will have my evenings to further be alone, and think and write. I have loved these 4+ hours  of learning with him. Our discussions have heightened, stretched, deepened, and multi-toned my Buddhist knowledge beyond what I can say. He is a great listener as I incessantly babble about this life experience and this pain and how it all fits into the Vipassana puzzle. Our talks are challenging me and helping me more fully understand what I am going through. Also, I am enjoying hour of discussion just beyond the outer lip of my mental and spiritual limits. He’s pushing me to conglomerate all I know and don’t know it’s lucid equations that try to balance infinite experiences and knowings into a graspable concept. Something I can hold onto, look at, turn around in my hands. I’m wobbling, but loving intellectual, and spiritual discourse with someone who is in the same sphere that I’m in. I appreciate that immensely.

I know, yet another teacher/gift/guide on my journey. And I bow to that, with so much gratitude.

 

I sent this message in Facebook today.You know Facebook, where I used to live in my life. “Kids, mommy’s busy!” as I comment and interact with 100 of new closed facebook friends, as I deflect my offspring to find someone who cares to talk to them.

“Hit the road Jack, and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more, no more. Hit the road Jack, and don’t you come back no more…. What you say?”

I’m saying I am ready to be full present in my life, with my family, in my mind. I know the path I must take, I know the way, I have the tool. It’s called meditation and I insist, with full intent, that I sit, I plan, for two hours a day, and let that inside awareness do it’s magic to the outside.

Yeah, sorry, what I sent out in facebook today. Right, single- mindedness. Facebook:

i’m resurfacing my head slowly, slowly; and then back down into myself. online now for an hour and a half a day. i think i will keep to that when i return to ‘normal’, if ever.

vipassana changed my life. so grateful for it. so grateful for kobi and the kids. god, i’m lucky. taking some more days to think, recollect, observe. it was intense.

happy new year everyone. happy new fame in israel’s ynet. happiness and love…. it’s all wonderful learning. see you slowly, gabi

 

You know I want to know what you think. Have I gone mad? Is this officially a mid-life crisis yet? Do I get the certificate? I turned 38 like 5 minutes ago. Speak your beautiful mind? Share your love, your laughter, your light. Or be silent and I’ll keep thinking I am writing only to myself. Just kidding. Even without e-footprints, I know you are there. I feel your love.

Enjoying the silence of me,

Gabi

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Comments (4)

  • Rob

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    So instead of Facebook a couple of hours a day your going to live in your head for a couple of hours? Do you think your kids will care if it is Facebook or meditation? Time to Grow Up.

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      rob, i’m so glad you wrote. i think everyone serves as a teacher, as do you. replacing one escape with another is just another escape, with that i can agree. but, if one activity brings me down and brings me inundated to my children, and the other brings me patient and with love and joy to my children, than i pick the latter. i can’t and won’t (and don’t want to) be with anyone in my life 24/7. i love time for myself, and this lets me be awesome to be around when i am with others. i do listen to what you are saying though, i do value that added perspective, and god, i’m growing up very, very, very slowly. thank you for taking the time to write. gabi

      Reply

  • Melanie Murrish

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    Love your honest Gabi-Rob, do you have children? Just wondering, as most parents send their kids to school for most of the day; this family spend most of their waking hours with their youngsters.

    Also, it is possible to meditate when kids are asleep, or with their doting Dad. I feel a tinge of envy in your comment ! Just saying.

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      hi melanie. sorry it has taken me so long to comment back. i also assumed that rob did not have children or is not aware of our lifestyle but either way, i love learning from others, also from rob. escape is escape is escape so i’ll take it as another guide, more learning…. yes, i can meditate when the kids are asleep and when i’m passionate to do so, i do. but, when i’m lazier/less motivated, no. 🙂 i love you melanie. gabi

      Reply

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