So, day 4 alone, in a hotel room, four hours south of my family in Siem Reap, Cambodia. I just made that up, you know. I totally shot that out of nowhere. I have no idea if I’m north, east, west, or southwest of them; but in the greater scheme of things I won’t lose much sleep over. I am far, far away; and contemplative. I wanted to say “happy about it” or “loving it” or “estastic” , and I am all of those things, but I am mostly thoughtful. I love my family so much, so much, so much; and have decided that I simply will not run away from them anymore.
I don’t run away, like go off for weeks on end all the time. This is the sixth time in my life as a mom (almost 11 years) that I’ve gone off for more than a few hours or a night. What I mean is that I feel like I am not present, really present, even though I adore, admire and love them to death. I’m there but I’m also running full-speed in my head, tensely, with brow furrowed, somewhere. Something to do, organize, think about, do, do, do. And so, my beloved (and I can’t say enough how cool this guy is. Go buy one today! They are in limited supply!); yes, where was I, my beloved has said stay as long as you like. When you are ready, come home.
Ahhhhh! I so have to do that guy! So badly. (Blush.) Deep breath. Sigh.
But, the point is this: When Will I Be Ready? (It’s a video you may enjoy! Highly entertaining and you get to experience first-hand this huge zit who moved onto my forehead)
So, what have I been doing these days alone? Looks like this:
Every day, about the same. And it’s just lovely. I think Scott is moving on to Siem Reap tomorrow so that
a- I have to figure out how to wake up at 5ish. He usually is kind enough to stop by, knock on my door until I burp or mumble something indicating I’m awake, and then go meditate himself. I’ll try to download an alarm clock with the super slow internet here.
And b- that I will have my evenings to further be alone, and think and write. I have loved these 4+ hours of learning with him. Our discussions have heightened, stretched, deepened, and multi-toned my Buddhist knowledge beyond what I can say. He is a great listener as I incessantly babble about this life experience and this pain and how it all fits into the Vipassana puzzle. Our talks are challenging me and helping me more fully understand what I am going through. Also, I am enjoying hour of discussion just beyond the outer lip of my mental and spiritual limits. He’s pushing me to conglomerate all I know and don’t know it’s lucid equations that try to balance infinite experiences and knowings into a graspable concept. Something I can hold onto, look at, turn around in my hands. I’m wobbling, but loving intellectual, and spiritual discourse with someone who is in the same sphere that I’m in. I appreciate that immensely.
I know, yet another teacher/gift/guide on my journey. And I bow to that, with so much gratitude.
I sent this message in Facebook today.You know Facebook, where I used to live in my life. “Kids, mommy’s busy!” as I comment and interact with 100 of new closed facebook friends, as I deflect my offspring to find someone who cares to talk to them.
“Hit the road Jack, and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more, no more. Hit the road Jack, and don’t you come back no more…. What you say?”
I’m saying I am ready to be full present in my life, with my family, in my mind. I know the path I must take, I know the way, I have the tool. It’s called meditation and I insist, with full intent, that I sit, I plan, for two hours a day, and let that inside awareness do it’s magic to the outside.
Yeah, sorry, what I sent out in facebook today. Right, single- mindedness. Facebook:
i’m resurfacing my head slowly, slowly; and then back down into myself. online now for an hour and a half a day. i think i will keep to that when i return to ‘normal’, if ever.
vipassana changed my life. so grateful for it. so grateful for kobi and the kids. god, i’m lucky. taking some more days to think, recollect, observe. it was intense.
happy new year everyone. happy new fame in israel’s ynet. happiness and love…. it’s all wonderful learning. see you slowly, gabi
You know I want to know what you think. Have I gone mad? Is this officially a mid-life crisis yet? Do I get the certificate? I turned 38 like 5 minutes ago. Speak your beautiful mind? Share your love, your laughter, your light. Or be silent and I’ll keep thinking I am writing only to myself. Just kidding. Even without e-footprints, I know you are there. I feel your love.
Enjoying the silence of me,
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