As I work on rebuilding myself, on recreating the ‘who I am’ without some strong external influence supporting that; I find I need help. I need something to inspire my soul, to push me forward when I feel like sinking down between the rocks of despair. That, exactly that, is what we are meant to do, over and over and over again in our lives. We are meant to redefine, rediscover, rebirth ourselves. We are not meant to grasp to those roles, accomplishments, relationships that define who we are. We are meant to go faaaar out of our comfort zone and be naked, again, figuring out who we are now, and again now, and again now- new every minute. And so, this process has left me naked, but seeking. Here is the light that I am creating, for me, naked, to bask in. They inspire, uplift, and direct me to exactly the direction (I think) I am meant to follow.
Isn’t that funny? I teach enlightenment and all about creating more light in your soul, and here I am avoiding mine. I’ve been meaning to write all the amazing spiritually things I know for months now, and I’ve completely ignored this site. I was invited to start teaching my Clean Your Soul Course here in Cambodia and wrestled it for weeks. Why? Why would I run away from who I am? Why would I try to escape the core of my being? Why would I not want to teach others the very matter that I believe in most? Why would I consciously choose to not engage my heart and soul in what I know will help it breathe? I’ve come up with a few ideas….
“Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter.
Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun,
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right….”
So, the sun is beginning to shine in my little inner world. I am beginning to see the light of the Universe kindly, softly glowing within me. And that’s what this part is all about, it’s about bowing down to the beauty of what was and walking away, enlightened from it. That’s what life is about; what our painful growth should be about.
“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” – Rumi
Have I told you lately how much I love Rumi. Rumi’s my man. He does it for me. Thank God for Rumi. In any moment of despair, confusion, lostness…. there is always a Rumi quote to push me back up. And so, I sit here grieving. Grieving a dream that will never actualize. But Rumi says that it will come around in another form… and if Rumi says, he knows. Let’s talk about grief. It’s hard, heavy, thick, choking and very necessary, but not always.
I had helped people with withdrawals before. I had a fascinating young man named Mark who though in and out of prison, stayed true to his drug addiction; a father of three who lost his wife and kids because he couldn’t stop playing cards with the guys; and a beautiful young woman who couldn’t go back to her husband after her affair left her with a new taste/a new light in her life that she just was not willing to let go of. And now, as I face the metaphorical death of a dear, intimate friend; I get it. Now, I see how painful that withdrawal is and how we lose perspective of our lives in the face of our desires.
First off, have a good laugh for I am in the bathroom, and I know that it looks like I’m actually on the toilet. (Didn’t think that one through before I started the recording!) I have found lately that the bathrooms here in the hostel are my best bet for a quiet recording. And so, here we are, intimate as ever, right? 🙂
And now, to our business…Yet again, here we are, going through this process. I am facing a desire that I cannot have, a desire that is consuming me. And I’ve decided to face this head on and look it in the eyes. And in here, you can hear the pain, you can hear the utter insanity including giving up my life, dying in order to have my desire.
Part of learning is sometimes so very painful. You know that; I know that too. And here I am, in pain, great overwhelming pain, for I have a desire that won’t be met. There is something in my life that I so desperately want, and yet, it will not be. And so, I am shooting a deluge of energy into an allusive dream which creates in me this abyss of misery.
I am miserable, and in this stage of the game; it sucks. So, I wish to live what I teach, I want to always have the integrity to say “I will do what I tell my clients to do” . And so, I reached that point that I am no longer willing to suffer. I no longer want to continue the drama of suffering in my life, because (frankly) it hurts too much, the cost is too great.
“Mama said there’d be days like this. there’d be days like this my mama said.”
– Diana Ross
From my private journal:
what a morning, what a last few weeks! i feel like i want them to get away from me, far far away from me. and i know they are adorable, and i know they only need my guidance, and i know they look up at me and don’t understand where their patient, loving, mother is. they look up now and see someone upset, beside herself, disgusted, rejecting, repulsed, and totally unsympathetic. not a nice family picture, i know. but this is what i have right now. no good reason like major stress, money problems, health issues, marital tension.i am feeling very uncomfortable with the weight i’ve gain the last few months. that is not sitting well with me at all. but still, nothing really strong that justifies my intense need to escape them. i’m finding myself these days saying all the things you’re never supposed to tell your kids. i’m belittling, nagging, scolding, threatening, being sarcastic, being ugly on purpose….