THE IMPOSSIBILITY OF DOING NOTHING: That’s what’s so hard here. Not only do I feel totally frustrated. You may as well put me in diapers now. It’s maddening to be constantly correcting yourself over things that you never, ever even gave thought to. And it’s stuff in your face all day long. Remember, I cannot sit, stand, walk, or pick up things correctly. That’s a shitload of correctiveness for one person. And then- the exercises.
A- They are not exercises that I can do and check off my to do list. They are a way of life. Well damn, that’s never getting checked off is it?
B- It’s not Eye of the Tiger go do it! Be strong! Conquer. That’s what got me into a lot of this mess, or exasperated it times 300. My way to get over my addiction was to run, work out, push myself, tone up like a madman. And I was.
Lima, Peru, midday heat. Every day, almost without exception. Every two-three days, I pushed myself further and further. I was running about 75 minutes in blazing heat in hiking boots on concrete sidewalk. OK, saying it now sounds so stupid, but then, even when it got to the point that I could not walk upstairs, then, it was my savior. Sweat it off, push it off, another 300 sit-ups will wear the desperation down.
You know I could have picked one addiction for another, which is what I did, but at least this one wasn’t cocaine or something that would have made me more insane. And I’d never stretch cuz that required grace, which I had none of. Stretching would be releasing, which I could not. So I held it all in. All of it. And everything else that ever hurt, all tucked up in my muscles, and slowly, slowly system after system of my body collapses. And what do I do?
I push harder, faster, eat less, raw food more, run longer, add another 500 sit ups, and some thigh and butt exercises. Cuz that will burn it all up. The problem is, it didn’t. It made the tension, the knots, the mass of muscle bundle unflexing, totally unforgiving.
And how could I expect it to forgive me when I never let him come up for air?
So, now, no more eye of the tiger, no more another 300, no more push, do, burn baby burn. No, now it’s sit, lie there, imagine, be, do nothing, fill it with light, be your own center of grace and wisdom and be, be, be. No to do lists, no multi-tasking as I help the kids with their homework or compose my next blog post. No. Damn it. None of that. I must practice the art of being and for hours a day, if I want to do the work that I require.
It’s always easier when the body screams, you don’t listen, and then she shuts down. She makes you listen. And mine has been screaming for so long. Bloating, inability to release due to extreme constipation, killed knees, lower back pain, an umbilical hernia, and still I pushed forward. So now, yes, it would be easier if I were in bed with a killer headache that forces me to listen. But, it’s like walking depression (totally what I had. It’s when you don’t stay in bed for 2 weeks at a time and fit to a tee all the other symptoms of classic depression based on the DMS-IV). No walking depression is when you get out of bed and feed the kids and carry on all of your tasks, but you’re dead inside. Walking depression.
So, now, I look normal and perky and smile and dance and act normal. I am normal. But I am ill. Very ill. My body is ill and I need to fix it, with all of my heart and all of my soul and with everything I know how to do as an energy healer and therapist. And the easiest thing to do, what I’m doing even know as I write, is stay busy and stay productive and do. But no, I must not do. I must lie there and loosen my soul and my muscles and my tension by not doing. And like in Vippasana, when thoughts, lists, insights enter, I need to allow them to pass, like a cloud, and focus on my visualizations of release and flow and light.
Goodbye tension is stressful for I can’t do it away, I must be it away. And so here I go, again, to lay there and be in my body and release. Again, one minute after the next. I can do this. I can. I can. can.
It’s part of a healing series: When Your Body Doesn’t Do What You Want It To. I’m sharing the entire journey to document it for myself (because I WILL be victorious in this battle) and to inspire others to learn, grow, face it, overcome this physical pain, that emotional deep-rooted issue, this addiction, and that insanely normal every-day family life situation.
Part Three: What the Hell do I do with Myself
Part Four: Falling Apart, Relearning Everything & What Happens When you Mess With the Psoas
Part Five: Overwhelm After the Confidence Wanes
Gabi is a certified trauma therapist, family communications expert, energy healer, and life coach with a Masters in Psychology. She shares her personal life stories and insights to inspire others to share their honest, neurotic selves and do all that is necessary to Clean Your Soul. She believes that all of us are on our journey from pain to the light, and by staying inspired and aware, we can all reach our fullest, cleanest, most beautiful free selves. Don’t miss a single chance to be inspired. Gabi takes a very limited number of one-on-one clients for transformational parenting, family, life, and trauma therapy. You may reach Gabi directly at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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