So, last night I went to bed pregnant and bloated like a tightly stretched animal hive over an overblown balloon. I did this to myself. Again. I hated myself. Again. I ate that peach cuz fruit is good for you, and then those edamame seeds with the lemon and sea salt cuz that’s healthy too, and then some chocolate-covered raisins cuz my son put them in the grocery cart and why not, and then some salmon with the garlic and lemon and olive oil; and then some watermelon cuz that’s practically like drinking water, and then there was some of this and that left on the counter and we wouldn’t want to throw that away, and then in the fridge there was that almost-empty tubberware taking needed space so we’ll just finish that off; and, you know, those potatoes were really good hot and I wonder how they’d be cold, and oh-I’d-better-eat-my-last-thing-for-the-night-cuz-it’s-getting-late, but then two hours later my son and his friend have made this deep-fried-something-awful crap but they are sitting there laughing and talking so cutely and I want to be part of that energy, and well… Here we are.
I know now. I know this gremlin. I see it happening, stuck on repeat, like a train wreck in slow motion, and I keep recreating this undesired reality. This time my daughter is really pissing me off and that time I’m overwhelmed with all that I have to do; this time I just have the munchies and that other time there was this sensation in my abdominal region and I thought the translation may just be hunger so just to be sure, you know, I’ll go eat. And I keep telling myself stories and reasoning my way through this poorly written script, cast in an undesirable role in a play I never signed up for. Here we are.
What This is Causing
Extreme constipation. Excess fat accumulation. Self-flagellation/hatred/criticism. Resentment. Meanness. Victimization. Tension in all of my significant relationships. Empty promises and resolutions. Disappointment. Anger. Confusion. Discomfort. Lack of Integrity. Hypocrisy. More excuses. Depression.
What is The Cause
I’ve got unresolved issues. Shocker, I know. I must be the only one walking on the planet with them. Got it.
But, these unresolved issues are creating a whole bunch of shit in my daily life. Shit that I don’t want to be walking around with, playing with, eating, being disgusted with, molding like clay. Do. Not. Want. This.
I cannot deal with my ADHD. I cannot deal with how easily I get overwhelmed/off focus/impatient/panic-attacky… and so, I eat. More accurately actually, I do one of four things:
1- Eat which often leads to physical nausea and discomfort and then I can deal with a handmade physical problem which is much easier to deal with than an emotional one
2- Stay busy doing anything and everything that justifies my existence cuz productivity and business means that I have value cuz I’m doing something worthwhile here. Busy, busy, busy it away.
3- Sleep which turns it right off. Snap. All gone.
4- Get totally engrossed in a fabulous book or a killer series and than “you know, I’m just addicted and can’t quite pull myself away from it, so, therefore, I’m just not free to deal with [fill in the blank] cuz this is totally all that I’m into”
I have these voices in my head that are constantly berating me. They have something negative to say about everything. Everything. Why I’m eating this at this hour. Why I spoke to this child this way. Why I didn’t take the invitation to play cards with my daughter. Why I didn’t feel like being social and avoided that woman in the grocery store. Why I’m choosing to read my book instead of doing that. Why I can’t relax and just enjoy what’s happening around me. Why is my ego getting all ruffled up. Why don’t I do my stretches/walk/go to pilates/eat well. Why I don’t laugh with the kids more. Why don’t I take care of that messy corner or do the thirty other t0-do things cluttering up my life. Why haven’t I gotten my shit together and gotten my online business going. Why don’t I invest more in my couplehood relationship with Kobi. Why don’t I call my dad. Why I don’t have patience to talk to anyone chit chat. Why. Why. Why! WHY!
All the time. Constantly.
So my four activities shut that up too. Food. Busyness. Sleep. Addictions.
What Do I Do Now
I don’t run and make a new list of resolutions and promises cuz ‘today is the new day, a new life cuz now I know and can change everything. Now. Now. Now!’
No. Not that.
What I do do is I sit with it. Sift through it. Marinate on it. Observe it live. Be with it. Just be with it.
My soul sister Susannah says, “It’s exciting to see something so pivotal so clearly” and it really is.
You know this one thing, this ‘root’ as she calls it, impacts my health, my energy levels, my intimate relations with my children and husband, my intimate relationship with myself, my projects, my daily life and long-term happiness, and it. is. all. self-inflicted.
I. am. doing. this. to. myself.
And I must respect something so poisonous for so long that has so much weight on my life.
I don’t need to hate it, criticize it, control it, shut it up, deny it. I almost need to celebrate the damn thing. I mean, if you think about it, it’s ruling my life. That is some powerful sorcery- worthy of great respect.
I would like to try to meditate. I would but I’m not holding my breathe, and I won’t berate myself if I don’t. I’ve had a very strong resistance, a repulsion to meditation- like I may just implode from trying to slow down my thoughts and observe and focus. I’ve allowed my ADHD to take a huge portion of the steering-wheel-of-my-life time and I’m about ready to put aside my insistence on ‘no medication’ and see what options may be out there.
I heard someone once describe the first time she took medication at age 35 or so saying that she had spent her entire life with 20-some tv screens on all at the same time and once she took the pill, she was shocked how there was only one screen playing and her reaction was something like, “And you people have gotten to live like this all the time? OMG!”
How We Came to All of This
So it comes from so many sources, little signs here and there, memories of that statement and this one from my childhood or some course I took that made my cock my head to the side as a barely audible ‘huh’ I-didn’t-know-that-about-me escaped my lips. I’ve known and ignored, or known and couldn’t let go of my behavioral response to pain for a gillion reasons plus a few more.
I really wanted to share it here as ii settled into something I could define for the first time this morning. It was like waves of insight. I tossed, turned, and sweated through one-hour-and-50-minutes-later-than-I-planned-to-get-up internal struggle. I was battling myself. I more lost than won… but I came out wiser. I wanted to write it down… here.
I think my gremlins are taking a more visible form and I’m slowly better able to spot and identify them and call them out on their rambunctiousness.
I am fortunate.
Should you want to say anything, share, nod, smile… I’m here. And if not, I know your eyes are smiling right about now. I’ll keep you (me, really) posted, as writing has always been a god-sent way for me to observe myself. And I am honored to do so.
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