How Do I Stay Happy? Soul Swinging In The Night Rain

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Buddhism, Enlightened Learning, Overcoming Ourselves, Who Is Gabi Klaf?

 

gabi klaf, health and wellness coach, healthy lifestyle coach, family therapsy, mom blog, healthy weight loss for busy moms and dads, inspiration, energy healing

It tickled and danced around us. Not like the day rain. She was hell. She was too strong, too stingy, and overbearing. She was confused, stuck, searching and not finding. And I saw all these other people watching the day rain too. The doorway guy, the booth one, and that old man on the stool. Did they see what I did? Were they also hoping the rain would wash away something it did not? Or maybe it’s just a reflection of who I was with my face mashed against that faded wooden frame, pushing forward to feel her spray. Why am I always seeking that, that just-out-of-reach thing, that which will make me deeply happy and calm?

What am I lacking right here and now? I’m traveling the world, have no health, money, or relationship problems (besides the one I create in my mind for my own dramatic enjoyment). I do what I want, when I want. I’ve three unbelievable kids and the greatest gift in this Universe husband, and still, I gaze at the rain and feel a desperate emptiness gnawing in a silent whisper of desire.

Escape It Now, and Bleed

I’ll go do. I’ll write, exercise, meditate, pay attention to my girls. Anything sounds more productive than ‘I watched the rain and felt what people feel when they want to jump or do something else desperate just to feel if they still bleed.’ And there is not a suicidal cell in my body. I’ve got so much life to live, so many blessings, so many passionate projects and places in my ‘in’ box, and yet, I love it when I can look at me and wave, like I did with Lauren, “Hi Gabi. I see you, ” and we’d both laugh (and wipe the tears) cuz we both recognize the neurotic shades of us who would throw away a lifetime of gifts to feel that alive, for just a second.

Chronic Habitual Dissatisfaction

I think back to me some five years ago crying to the Humanology (formerly Neo-Psychology) therapy group I’m a part of, “And I don’t see my kids cuz I’m too possessed with my business, and I want to see my kids,” and then a few weeks later, they are all clapping for joy when I announce that I’ve officially closed my business, that it’s illogical and too exhausting for me to run a business in Hebrew and I’m moving to an English-based business. And they are all clapping for now I can see my children. I got what I wanted, and I’m crying again, “So, I see my kids but I want my business to succeed finally!”

Our teacher looks at me, point-blank, “Can you recognize that you are chronically dissatisfied? That even when you get exactly what you want, you will stay deeply unsatisfied.” She taught me how that is a choice to keep believing this ingrained programming that is stuck on repeat, “I. Am. Deeply. Unsatisfied. Because. [Fill in the blank].”

The Irony That Makes Us Push Forward

And I think of the burnt guy in the hostel who is watching killer abs videos. This Indonesian man has clearly very recently been in a few painful, fire-related accident and he’s watching muscle toning classes. And the ho (omg, I did not just use that word!)  in the other hostel who yelled at my kids who ended up giving them all individually-wrapped granola cookies. Odd. And me in the window, free as a bird with every conceivable logistical and spiritual indicator of happiness, feeling like I can’t breathe because my imagination wants some folly that has a piper’s tune promising deep satisfaction.

Ironic. And we’re all still pushing, right?

gabi klaf, health and wellness coach, healthy lifestyle coach, family therapsy, mom blog, healthy weight loss for busy moms and dads, inspiration, energy healing

The Ever Elusive Happiness

I’m rereading The Dalai Lama’s The Art of Happiness. He’s a doll Dalai is. We’re friends on Facebook you know. Me and 24 million other people. I love feeling intimate with him. So, he says that when we find ourselves in mental habits and thought patterns that have historically led us to feelings of dismay, loneliness, and dissatisfaction, that we have a powerful card to play.

“Will this lead me to happiness?” and if the answer is no, to do a few things:

  1. Do not crawl away feeling we missed out on something
  2. Understand that the temptation for whatever the immediate pleasure may have been, is just a temptation
  3. Be proud of my own strength to chose not to fall for that temptation but see that we ourselves are using our power of choice to chose our ultimate happiness.

How joyful to read that, to know that and to still laugh and hug myself as I stuff Reese’s Dark Chocolate Mini Peanut Butter Cup down my throat.

I Can Choose Happiness.

I can. I can. And so can you.

We’re all addicted to pain. All of us at one level or another find great solace in feeling pitiful, in remembering what was and is not more, in holding on to that flickering light that says THAT will make me happy again, if only. Deep sigh. And we know better, but it’s so tempting and the silent gnawing alternative is so dense that we fall, eerily joyful, into that sickening stickiness of our own created imaginary muck. And yet, it’s ours and it’s safe. At least here, I know what to do: hate myself, hurt myself, be mean to others, escape. You pick. You know. If you’ve read this far, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

And What Are We Going To Do About It?

Keep abusing ourselves?

Hell no. I’m worth so much more than that. And clearly, you are here, and you are too. And even if you were not here, and were not reading this article, but the energy that it releases somehow reaches you, grab on. Don’t you dare give up. You can’t.

Dangerous Minds was playing in the hostel living room two days ago. Damn it. There goes my day of work. Clearly, it won over my very focused to do list. Look what Bob Dylan brought us from it:

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I’m not sleepy and there is no place I’m going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
In the jingle jangle morning I’ll come followin’ you.

Though I know that evenin’s empire has returned into sand,
Vanished from my hand,
Left me blindly here to stand but still not sleeping.
My weariness amazes me, I’m branded on my feet,
I have no one to meet
And the ancient empty street’s too dead for dreaming.

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I’m not sleepy and there is no place I’m going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
In the jingle jangle morning I’ll come followin’ you.

Take me on a trip upon your magic swirlin’ ship,
My senses have been stripped, my hands can’t feel to grip,
My toes too numb to step, wait only for my boot heels
To be wanderin’.
I’m ready to go anywhere, I’m ready for to fade
Into my own parade, cast your dancing spell my way,
I promise to go under it.

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I’m not sleepy and there is no place I’m going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
In the jingle jangle morning I’ll come followin’ you.

Though you might hear laughin’, spinnin’, swingin’ madly across the sun,
It’s not aimed at anyone, it’s just escapin’ on the run
And but for the sky there are no fences facin’.
And if you hear vague traces of skippin’ reels of rhyme
To your tambourine in time, it’s just a ragged clown behind,
I wouldn’t pay it any mind, it’s just a shadow you’re
Seein’ that he’s chasing.

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I’m not sleepy and there is no place I’m going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
In the jingle jangle morning I’ll come followin’ you.

Then take me disappearin’ through the smoke rings of my mind,
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I’m not sleepy and there is no place I’m going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
In the jingle jangle morning I’ll come followin’ you.

 

 

Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.

And this line kills me. What is it saying to me? What does it say to you? Come on love, we’ve haven’t analyzed poetry together yet. We’ve showered together, we’ve cried together, we’ve almost been raped together, we’ve been honest about why we fight, but poetry, that takes us to a whole new level of intimacy.

And What’s The Point?

The point is that I have hours more of thoughts and feelings to share with you, and you with me. The point is that this conversation is never over, and so, I’ve moved part of this to the next post so that we can talk more about poetry there. The point is we all have our battles to fight, our gremlins to face, our rain storms to dance in, like the boy in the first picture. (Yes, please do scroll back up and look at him and his water joy.) Yes, the point is we can all dance in the rain, all of us, laughing and crying as I did with Lauren or with my dearest Ditza or with all that I wish for that will never be. “Hello Gabi!” Let’s just laugh and hug ourselves and find the ways to strengthen ourselves against the temptation to fall, just for fun, just out of habit.

I’m here and grateful that you allow me to speak here. I love having this voice here, and love knowing that even if I’ve lost every single one of my readers in the 58 days that the homeless guy and I got lost, that it doesn’t matter. My voice has an energy, my words are out there now, floating in and around and creating the current Universe. Thank you for being a part of that with me.

 

You can find me online on Facebook at gabiklaf and at light inspiration for the soul. 🙂

 

 

boy in rain: photo courtesy of http://www.morguefile.com/creative/greverbaby

water on window: photo courtesy of http://www.morguefile.com/creative/amairgen

water on floor: photo courtesy of http://www.morguefile.com/creative/pippalou

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Comments (31)

  • Wendy

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    Hiya Gabi

    Enjoyed this blog – and the questions – and my brain now hurts from thinking lol
    Regardless of who we are, and what we have, I think there is always a tiny (or not do tiny) area that wonders if there is any more, or something else we “need” to feel complete and fulfilled. I am not sure I ever have – and in those dark moments I look back at some pretty big mistakes and go to use them to eat myself with again. I now try to counter by asking if I did my best – and in truth, very few of us set out to do our worst. I don’t have many answers – and I try to be thankful for the beautiful countryside I live in, and my family – out there in the world, beginning the next chapter in their own stories. I have no idea what I wanted to say at the beginning of this (old age does not come alone LOL) but I think you have as many blessings as you can count – and if you feel an emptiness then maybe that is the space you need to fill with love and contentment in yourself. Keep smiling, lovely lady xx

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      Wendy, how i love having you here, writing, sharing, and loving me, not only in your beautiful thoughts, but here too. sorry i made your brain hurt love. yeah, i so agree that we have this voice that asks if there is more. mine screams sometimes. i love that you counter that voice with another one, voice of appreciation and deep thankfulness. thank you. i don’t know what you wanted to say at the start either and rarely can i follow what i wanted to say from the start either but yes, i do and you do, have so many blessing, both of us have more than we can count love. both of us do. fill that emptiness, if i must and if it’s good to fill it with love and contentment in myself. got it. i’m not sure i need to fill it, i don’t know, maybe it’s supposed to stay emtpy or maybe the empty brings me to deep sadness and i do need to fill it with love. i think love will always fit in, so i’ll go with your advise. thank you love. thank you so deeply for being there always.

      Reply

  • Laurel- Capturing la Vita

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    Oh, Gabi. Now I know we are connected. I can’t wait for you to see the post I am putting out today. This is beautiful!

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      i know! i knew you’d love it. soul swinging in the night rain is the best title in the world, and, the funniest part is that i didn’t even get to talk about that part yet. it got so long i cut the post and will post the rest of later this week. so the night rain part, i didn’t even get to tell you about. 🙂

      Reply

  • alejandra

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    Loved it! feeling the connection

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      i’m soooo dearly deeply glad you loved it alejandra. i feel it too. mwah. gabi

      Reply

  • Tzippi

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    Loved reading and enjoyed very much.. Kisses

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      Tzippi,

      I can’t believe you read it all. It’s so long. I love it when you read my stuff. I always did. Always did. i love you. kisses.

      Reply

  • Ann

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    Thanks for giving me this link on your other blog and post about grandfathers and teens. I’m on my phone where my thoughts are faster than my fingers.

    I’ve always been a traveler. I’ve mostly friended travelers. So I can’t rightly say my next statement as fact, but I feel it’s true. As travelers we are so lucky to see and experience so much – more lucky. When we do, it’s a realization that there is so much more out there. It makes me feel so connected to the world, yet so insignificant. The emptiness is real because these moments won’t happen again. Sure that’s true in even the most routine environments, but something about travel and changing places makes that more true. And more obvious.

    the best thing of traveling is the highs from feeling so alive. That connection to the world i mentioned earlier. the worst travel moments happen a few minutes later. Because it can’t always be awesome, and even if we have a pretty nice life, we are still allowed to feel the full spectrum.

    Plus, as a traveler, the wanting to see more never ends. It gets worse the more places I go because now there are more places I have to go back to. I want more for my life because I know there’s more out there. I feel something missing because I know there’s so much more life out there being lived that I can’t be part of.

    Now, as a mom who wants to bring the world to my kids, I wonder if them getting this gnawing travel bug is healthy. I love sharing my passion with my family. i love seeing things fresh again. ive lost a lot of my travel cynicism since having them. Because they just want to be. because i provide for them first. and probably because we are sharing these moments, their baby years/ our travels, together.

    do i want them to grow up feeling like somethings missing… well, that happens anyway. As long as they seize the moments to feel the connection whenever possible, choose happiness whenever possible and fully embrace their feelings whenever possible they’ll be ok.

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      ann, what a joy to have you here, sharing your deepest thoughts, which i am reading and wondering who wrote it, you or me. travel bug, being so alive and then feeling the next moment not, being so here and feeling that i want to give them the best, not to feel missing, it’s all there. all of it, also back home, but yes, i agree when i travel, i feel it all more, more, more. where are you guys now? what is the plan this year? next year? i ‘d love to hear how it is all harmonizing together for you. i ‘d love to hear that. thank you for being here and sharing in this journey. you definitely got what i meant. hugs to you, gabi

      Reply

  • Lily

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    I absolutely loved this post and your honesty! I completely recognized myself. Chronic dissatisfaction. Sounds very familiar – I think I just had an a-ha moment! I used to think it was partly because I don’t have a family or wonderful husband yet (used to think I’d have one by 30)… but I guess it’s all a mindset. Thank you for sharing!

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      lily, how joyous for me to know that you’ve read it and hear something true whispering, vibrating in the wind (or the rain). i’m so glad you loved it. fish around a bit more on this site. i think you will find many more things that shine a bit of a-ha-ness into your sphere, and then if you could be so kind as to share with me your thoughts, then we share in that energy and inspire each other. so, thank you for writing and reading and i do hope you, and i can recognize more and more the furrowed brow of the soul and hug and smile at it and say ‘hello you. smile. everything is great. ‘ i do. i love you lily. gabi

      Reply

  • barth

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    Awesome post.

    Reply

  • ryge

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    When I initially commented I seem to have clicked on the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and now whenever a comment is added I recieve 4 emails with the exact same
    comment. Is there a way you are able to remove me from that
    service? Appreciate it!

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      hi ryge. i don’t know how to undo this. i am so sorry. i’ll play around and try. thank you

      Reply

  • Lauren

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    Girlfriend- this post totally talks to me! I’ve been hanging out a lot with fear and her friends- one of them named dissatisfaction. My last date with these friends was super cool- I just invited them in, watched them play, and DID NOT get caught in their game. I witnessed all the tricks they were playing but I just watched. It was pretty incredible actually. I did not need to resolve or fix anything though usually these dates result in me trying to fix something I perceive as broken. The next day I felt great. The darkness had lifted and I hung out in the light. Making sure not to get too addicted to either state. Love you. Love how you talk to my sides/selves- reminding me that I am all of it and none of it…

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      what can i say back soul sister? i love how you had a date with them- watched, was entertained, but did not dance. wow. i’m inspired. teach me more. unreal. and how it reminded you that you are all of it and none of it. wow. like rumi says, “become nothing and he’ll turn you into everything”. so you see, i even write about you? how special do you feel now?

      Reply

  • Gabi Klaf – Towards Enlightment, One Step at a Time » Six Ways To Regain Sanity When You and Your Family Are Falling Apart

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    […] A dear friend wrote to me that she is depressed and struggling and slowly, pulling out of it, with lots of anti-depressants and much soul-searching. Another women who found this blog shared with me her deepest pains in life and how she feels she’s losing every ounce of sanity, and barely holding on. A lot of amazing women wrote to me privately, in different forums,  and in the comments to the post Learning of Rape Through The Massage Table. How wonderful to connect with others souls on their journey towards the light, too. Who could not understand the universality of that? […]

    Reply

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