How To Give a Dog or Cat a Pill

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Inspiration and Appreciation

My father sent this to me, and it’s just hysterical. Animal lovers, you’ll love this. It was an anonymously forwarded e-mail so I hope someone doesn’t sue me for all sorts on infringement laws. Just had to share. So, if you know who owns rights to it, please tell me and I’ll give them full credit for bringing laughter into my morning. Enjoy! 

 Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 

 Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

 Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of the closet. Call ‘ your man ‘ in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden rulerinto mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

 Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

 Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink a beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid

to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head

showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap. 

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough

about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

 Consume some scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor

stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat  and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.


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Comments (2)

  • Wendy


    Hahahaha – I can SO identify with this – and bear the scars of various attempts at giving my cat some tablets!! It is now ground finely into tuna lol For my dogs I use peanut butter 😉


    • Gabi


      me too. i have scars and scratches from animal combat. i do love it!


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