How To Live With Your Addiction- Woo Away, I’m Not Falling For It

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Addiction and Obsession, Energy, Light, & Self-Healing, Overcoming Ourselves

gabi klaf, health and wellness coach, healthy lifestyle coach, family therapsy, mom blog, healthy weight loss for busy moms and dads, inspiration, energy healing, parenting, mindful parenting, addiction and obsession, clean your soul, inspiration for life

It just hit me so hard I can’t breath. Can’t. Breathe. I’m drowning. Rolling down, down, down into it, groping for air, for some root to hold onto to keep me in the sunshine, but the sun is gone and the roots have all rotted. I was just now sitting there smiling at my life, looking at my loving husband with admiration and gratitude, cherishing the gentle touch of my child’s sweet words, and then BAM! It’s back. I thought we were over this? You know exactly what I’m talking about. Your version may be different, may be more colorful, messier, and still impossible to explain to anyone who hasn’t been through it, but you know. You feel his finger grazing your thigh, you smell that which reminds you how that drug/alcohol/person used to make you feel, you hear that song and it brings you back to a you who was so much more alive and beautiful, not the you in the mirror today. And all around you, all the blessings and logic and love in your life, vanish, vacuumed up into an abyss of never-again’s and what-if’s that you know simply no longer have a place in your life.

And yet it won’t go away. It won’t.

Would you almost lose it all again for this addiction? Do you remember how insane you got last time? 

No, I would not. Yes, I do. I do. I do.

gabi klaf, health and wellness coach, healthy lifestyle coach, family therapsy, mom blog, healthy weight loss for busy moms and dads, inspiration, energy healing, parenting, mindful parenting, clean your soul,addiction and obsession,  inspiration for life

And yet, my heart’s beating so painful hard. She wants to explode with desire. Raging desire. Last night, I dreamed of that which will never be, again. That song brought me back. That smile on that person’s face. The angle of sun through that raindrop  reminded me. And I feel like soul swinging in the night rain again, and I feel like Fuck, Fuck, Fuck (husband watered-down the title),  and I feel like running away from every damn thing that I deeply love to escape into a world that exists as perfect in my mind. And logic fails you when you touch insanity. They don’t know how to co-exist. Damn euphoric allusions slap the shit out of the reality. No, no space for real life while you are a prisoner to your addiction.

Why You May Not Want To Enter This Realm With Me

Now, I warn you that the link above called your addiction is about mine. It is the start to a series that never ends. I thought it did. I thought it stopped at part 8, but since have added:

Conscious Suffering- How I Drag Myself Back Down

Ending That Suffering- Four Decisions To Pull You Back Up

How Do I Stay Happy? Soul Swinging in the Night Rain

And I have parts 9 and 10 on draft cuz I realized that no one wants to hear my 45-part pity party, but then again, maybe you do. And maybe that’s why you come back here again and again.

Why You Come Back

  • Because you’re neurotic too.
  • Because you are also shocked (not ashamed but shocked) at how out of control you could be.
  • Because you know that wounds never fully close up, they mend, but can open with gushing fierceness with no notice.
  • Because you also know the taste of insanity and the exhilaration of stupidity and the obsession with feeling that alive.
  • Because you also see patterns repeating in your life, painful deja vu’s that you keep recreating.
  • Because there is something deep inside of you that knows that playing with this fire WILL BURN YOU and thus, you’ll keep  cutting that salad, putting the kids to bed, and yelling at anyone around you to get out this pent-up tension that has no where to go. And so, you’ll eat that chocolate cake with vengeance and you’ll pick that fight just because, and you’ll cut someone off in traffic or cut someone up with your glance, but then, then, then you’ll breathe and know that you are stronger than this temptation and more powerful than this moment and more full of light than that darkness disguised as salvation.

gabi klaf, health and wellness coach, healthy lifestyle coach, family therapsy, mom blog, healthy weight loss for busy moms and dads, inspiration, energy healing, parenting, mindful parenting, clean your soul, inspiration for life,addiction and obsession,

So, damn it, I’m going to cut the watermelon, cuz I can do that. It won’t hurt me. And, I’ll smile/cry/scream out/curse at the beating of my heart in reaction to last night’s dream and all that came up with it. I won’t ignore it, hate it, or deny it. It’s there as real as daylight. But so am I, and I am powerful and able to overcome this one, one step at a time. I’ve passed the worst of it. You can watch/read the series yourself and you’ll relate.

I cry a lot. I’ve been through hell. I died. I went insane. I wished I could go or do or be anything else than face it, but I did. I did, just like my friend Pete, and just like all of those beautiful souls, a few who commented here but most who did not comment here but either remained silent or who wrote to me personal emails saying “Me too, Gabi, me too. I’m hugging you, as I, as you, as we, go through this, towards enlightenment, one maddening step at a time.

 

I love you.

Roll with me.

Gabi

I love giving photo credits, cuz their work is amazing! woman with red in hair lying in the dark, heart on a noose, woman in bed.

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Gabi is a certified trauma therapist, family communications expert, energy healer, and life coach with a Masters in Psychology. She shares her personal life stories and insights to inspire others to share their honest, neurotic selves and do all that is necessary to Clean Your Soul. She believes that all of us are on our journey from pain to the light, and by staying inspired and aware, we can all reach our fullest, cleanest, most beautiful free selves. Gabi takes a very limited number of one-on-one clients for transformational parenting, family, life, and trauma therapy. You may reach Gabi directly at gabiklaf@gmail.com, subject line: coaching inquiry

 

 

 

 

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Comments (3)

    • Gabi

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      val, yet again you find me where my heart appreciates it most. thank you love. amazing, strong and human. what a great mantra that could create my love. from your admirer that you got up and went to mexico to do what your soul knew was right, gabi

      Reply

  • Utterly Broken- Day 1 Stretching Class- Solo Healing Journey, India | The Nomadic Family World Travel Blog

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    […] And … Because there is something deep inside of you that knows that playing with this fire WILL BURN YOU and thus, you’ll keep  cutting that salad, putting the kids to bed, and yelling at anyone around you to get out this pent-up tension that has no where to go. And so, you’ll eat that chocolate cake with vengeance and you’ll pick that fight just because, and you’ll cut someone off in traffic or cut someone up with your glance, but then, then, then you’ll breathe and know that you are stronger than this temptation and more powerful than this moment and more full of light than that darkness disguised as salvation.” from How to Live with Your Addiction […]

    Reply

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