Learning of Rape Through The Massage Table- Overcoming What We Don’t Know

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Energy, Light, & Self-Healing, Healthy Weight Loss & Lifestyle, Overcoming Ourselves, Who Is Gabi Klaf?

gabi klaf, health and wellness coach, healthy lifestyle coach, family therapsy, mom blog, healthy weight loss for busy moms and dads, inspiration, energy healing

I was raped. I’m sure of it, but not when. This life? Maybe, more likely not, but, some life, sometime, I was. I am sure of it. There are too many indicators that left me appalled by my own skin, inflicting abuse by picking scabs until I bled and couldn’t wear shorts my entire life, emotional eating episodes, unexplained repulsion and hiding my body under layers of cloth. Reasons, some I can personally recognize- he said this, she looked at me like that, and many more, I know my soul can spin many tales about. But regardless if yes or not, and when, it no longer bares the weight I carried with it all those years. It’s gone, gone, gone. [Deep breath of relief.]

This I only recently remembered, and looking at it, fascinates me like some eerily familiar case study of someone clearly separate from myself. I studied Humanology (formerly Neo-Psychology) for two years. The best way I can explain this eclectic science is a holistic type of meta-physical Buddhist-tinged self-healing regression therapy. It’s truly amazing, and has brought me and countless clients remarkable results.

So, I was sitting in a new classes, new semester, new students. In comes Irit, a bouncy adorably large woman with amazing energy. She’s married to Yossi, who volunteered at our kids’ school. Fast forward two months later…. She asks me how I’m doing with the body thing one day. “What body thing?” I’m clueless, and had totally forgotten how I initially knew her years before she was the volunteer-guy’s wife. A friend suggested Irit when I told her I wanted to spoil Kobi and I for a good massage. Having never gotten one, I was nervous and called to verify some details, all of which I had totally forgotten about until she spilled it out there in the tones usually reserved for light how’s-the-weather chit chat. “You acted like a rape victim. I was sure you had experienced some severe physical abuse.” she chirped. WTF?? I was floored and stared at her numb, having zero recall of this entire issue.

gabi klaf, health and wellness coach, healthy lifestyle coach, family therapsy, mom blog, healthy weight loss for busy moms and dads, inspiration, energy healing

What I Wanted To Forget

How conveniently our minds and hearts push way down deep that which we don’t want to deal with, that which we cannot yet deal with. So, she delineates how I asked about who she was, about if she would see my body naked, about if someone might see me there, about if she would touch my buttocks, about if I felt uncomfortable if I could ask her to stop. Funny, I hadn’t remembered any of it, and not so funny, I ended up backing out of my massage and gave my appointment to a dear, close friend for her birthday present. Just like I missed several therapy sessions and eventually fired my therapist when he insisted that we talk about ‘The Issue’ I wasn’t ready to touch yet, I conveniently was unable to make that appointment and face what I wasn’t ready to.

Fast Forward to 2012

We had been in South East Asia then for about 7 months. A traveling friend Cindy took me out to a girls’ night. It was then that I was dance crazy, loving the motion and the feeling of being that sexy and light and alive on that stage. I begged her to go dancing at Temple Bar. No go. We had mohitos and she treated me to a massage in Siem Reap, Cambodia. At the ripe age of 38, yes, I had my very first massage, and totally I loved it!

Was it because I’ve lost 28 pounds and got tones and sculpted enough to turn a head or two, which had never happened previously in my life? Was it because I had been touched and freed sexually from things I never knew were so deeply untouchable in me? Was it because all those years of meditation and Buddhist psychology and healing just wore away what was no longer serving me?

What a joy it was to lie on that mattress in that sleazy moldy-dark, second story massage parlor in that soft candle-light and feel the young woman rub every inch of my body. What a joy to notice that my blanket had fallen off when she contorted my spine and that my breasts were revealed and I was almost totally comfortable with that. What a joy to see Cindy’s body and mine in that barely lit room and feel the romantic beauty of the hot oils and the darkness and the intimacy of someone’s touch on my muscles and know, know that everything is safe and alright. They girls were doing the same routine massage they’d done a thousand times, Cindy was having her normal massage treat, and I, I was following the electricity of warm fuzzies shooting up and down my body, barely containing myself from screaming aloud, jumping for joy, laughing so hard with pure ecstasy as what it felt like to be free and comfortable in your own body. The old me would have hyperventilated and had a full-fledged panic attack. But here I was, enjoying it. All. All. All.

gabi klaf, health and wellness coach, healthy lifestyle coach, family therapsy, mom blog, healthy weight loss for busy moms and dads, inspiration, energy healing

Fast Forward Again

That was the one and only massage I had received in my entire life, until this month in which I got three! I know!

Today, I’m lying in the couples’ spa room in Casa Del Rio, Melaka, Malaysia for the third spa treatment in three weeks. I know! (Freak out- in the really good way!) And each time, I have loved it completely, freely, fully. No qualms. None. No questions. No fears. Each of the three were deep tissue soul therapy, further relieving layers of pain I am still unaware of. How I relished turning around, full-front bare and talking freely to my masseuse . How I wanted to cry out from pure joy as I sat up from the massage table and walked across that room with both masseuses seeing me in just that fluffy blue disposable underwear they gave me. And I’m talking to them, laughing, smiling, at ease, no, at full pride, I strut over to the restroom and beam at the mirror.

“You’ve done it Girl! You have. You are totally comfortable with your own beautiful body! You did it! You decided to become hot and you have!”

Not Just A Vanity Trip

And it’s not just a vanity trip, which it also is and I can happily accept that at 38 1/2, for once in my life, I do want to turn heads and feel that attractive, I do. I’ve also bought bras for the first time in my life that hold me up with cleavage. I always, always, always hid my body, even when I was skinny, and especially when I was fat. Some two years back, on our ranch home in Costa Rica, I went out one day without a bra, and was shaking from nervousness the entire time. Later that week, I went to exercise without one, and feel almost liberated. For the last year and a half, I’ve spent entire days walking among people, even taking photographs, bra-less, in my pj tank-top, feeling comfortable enough with who I am, with that which makes up my own body, to show my skin.

I’ve worn shorts. Unheard of practically my entire life. Not just shorts. Short shorts that a lovely pair of Israeli twenty-something year olds left on my door after they checked out of Garden Village Guesthouse. And they were hot little things, and I filled their shorts so nicely. And I’ve worn short, short dresses and have twirled in them on that Temple Bar dance floor, and noticed that others noticed too. And, ready for this one? A bikini- totally freaked me out, just the thought of it! (I’ve written tons about my entire process, starting this this video and all the way up to the Healthy Weight Loss tab)

Will I adore my stomach, now well toned and muscles, when my 40’s or 50’s or next year, it will flap again? Will I admire my body in the mirror when again my proportions shift and my breasts won’t seem large enough to make that great hour-glass shape for my thighs and butt will bulge too much? Is this love for my body conditional to people not believing that I am almost 40 and that I’ve birthed three children? Will I love me, truly and deeply, when I could no longer get his attention based on my looks again?

I Do Hope So, But I Don’t Know

I have loved this liberation of soul and body in feeling, for once in my life, not like that girl with that great personality, but that really attractive woman. This transformation has done my soul so very, very much good. Knowing that I lost those 28 pounds and toned my body, and could pick it back up when I started to gain again, and knowing that I can do it again and keep it, is amazing. I saw a video today of a 42 year physical trainer and marveled how her toned body looks like one of a very fit 25 year old. And then I remembered his mother, so gorgeous and sexual in her 50’s, and then I know, deep down, that this too will pass, and with time, I will need to enter deeper inside and do the more intense spiritual work that requires my ego to disappear. And I know that my attachment to my body, this body that I’ve turned around from flab and shame into tone and pride will need to be renunciation too. I know I need to one day release that attachment to fully integrate into the spiritual being that I am simply borrowing this outfit/body for another round of learning on Earth.

I know this is now, and I do hope that when later comes around that I can look, and beam, and do that little dance in the mirror that now says “I adore you you hot little thing!” and will be able to say, “I adore you you beautiful/spiritual/love-filled little thing!” and feel it with the same fervor. I appreciate not living my life as an excuse, why I feel uncomfortable with this person or that one, why I’m so fat and out of shape, why I didn’t have the courage to leave my really amazing life in Northern Israel and become nomadic. I don’t want to look at me and feel the excuse, that I’m not my fullest, best, highest potential me, and when my attachment to this body fades, I do hope I still love me with that same fervor. I tell my clients to all the time, but it’s infinitely harder do walk your own talk, isn’t it?

So, I’ve changed clothing in places where others could accidentally see me, I’ve had a few people see a few too much shoulder, I’ve done some travel-minded carefree fun, and think to myself, that all that is missing next in my growth would be some nude beach or nudist colony. I’ll put it on my bucket list and then really see how my in-laws and my parents freak out how I’m abusing my children and totally screwing up my life in a mid-life crisis that never ends. Should be fun. I’m excited.

Bow

So, thank you again for allowing me to share my deepest thoughts, as they whirl and twirl and reveal themselves to me in my writing. I usually know where these things will begin, today I shall write about massages, but rarely have any indication where they will end up. I’d love a footprint from you, even just a code word like ‘red flag’ or ‘fairy dust’ that tells me you read it. I don’t use statistics on this site, like I do on the nomadic family one. This is my soul stage, my online healing/inspirational forum so I don’t want to quantify it with any measurable numbers. I am learning, slowly, that so many of you are here, with me, reading silently, and I love that, and respect that. Should you want to let me know that you’ve been by, it will make me smile. Should you prefer to stay quiet, I am smiling now, with love, to you for being that which you are, as you are, and loving yourself enough to be totally alright with not doing what someone asks you, with saying ‘no, no thank you’ and having no qualms about it. I love you that way.

So,say hi or don’t, I’ve done my part in sharing, in putting out there my ever-growth hopefully as an inspiration for you who read and those who don’t, to know that you too are normal. The energy of love is out as soon as I wrote the first word, and eve more so, as soon as I click ‘publish’. It’s about to be a cosmic part of the Universe, so sing and be happy, as we are meant to. It’s all good, very, very good.

Good night.
Gabi

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Gabi is a certified trauma therapist, family communications expert, energy healer, and life coach with a Masters in Psychology. She shares her personal life stories and insights to inspire others to share their honest, neurotic selves and do all that is necessary to Clean Your Soul. She believes that all of us are on our journey from pain to the light, and by staying inspired and aware, we can all reach our fullest, cleanest, most beautiful free selves. Don’t miss a single chance to be inspired. Gabi takes a very limited number of one-on-one clients for transformational parenting, family, life, and trauma therapy. You may reach Gabi directly at gabiklaf@gmail.com.

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Comments (35)

  • Freedom

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    Wow. Where do I begin. Thank you. That’s a good beginning. One of my best friends sent me a text that must have been in the middle of the night (I’m in Mexico and she’s in the States). It only read “gabiklaf.com”. I’m not even one hundred percent sure that this is the article she intended for me to read, but oh Lord, it’s the one I needed to see. My weird form of meditation/Q and A that I do in the mornings had brought me to some form of body memory-past life-emotional trauma that I am not exactly sure where the source is. This is about to get personal, I think I’ll email the rest. Anyway – um, wow.

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      Freedom, wow. What a joy to get your message and what a joy that your friend sent this to you in the middle of the night. It’s crazy that you and a client of mine, and I were all up reading it that same night. I meant to tell you this in our emails but thought i’d wait until i had the time to sit down, quietly, and return love to all of these amazing comments. and, sigh, my family calls me. so i’ll write to you soon. :_)

      Reply

    • Emily

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      I meant for you to read them all ๐Ÿ™‚ <3

      Reply

      • Gabi

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        wait a minute. detective cap on, so emily are you the best friend who sent the text to freedom? but not necessarily on this post but on ‘them all’. oh, what a joy. emily, how did you find me dear. and whose the sister? sounds like a who dunnit story and i love every detail of it. hugs to you ladies. gabi

        Reply

        • Emily

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          I am the Emily, Freedom is the sister. I feel like I googled “inner child trauma heal” our something near to that, and this blog is what came up, I immediately read everything. Yes, everything within 24 hours. Me and from have so much to gain from each other, should sister’s for eons. I’m following her to Mexico quite soon and I’ve been preparing myself for an intense adventure. She told me where we were going, but I didn’t hear because I am busy with listening. Gabi, you are wonderful and I will be in touch regularly.

          Infinite love !

          Reply

    • Gabi

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      So, I keep waiting for a quiet enough time to write to you beautiful women as I see fit, and kids and my life keeps getting in the way. (Sigh). Again, I am so honored and touched and grateful that your friend sent you this in the middle of the night, and that all three of us, and who knows which other kind souls, were up that night together, here. I’m love to hear more about your mediation Q and A sessions. I feel like you are about to inspire me to the next thing I am meant to learn. Did you get any clarity on the trauma? You don’t need to, you know. It’s totally irrelevant. Just fill your body and soul with white light and clean it away. That’s all. The source is completely irrelevant. I’m waiting to hear from you Freedom. Hugs to you sister, Gabi

      Reply

  • Alice

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    Beautiful ๐Ÿ™‚ xxx

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      Alice, Thank you so deeply. I have just had the joy of visiting your peaceful parenting site and am touched and moved by what I found. Satria and you are just beautiful. You can see the glow and joy coming through. Hugs to you, Gabi

      Reply

  • Heidi Wagoner

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    Gabi once again you amaze me. The timing of me seeing this article today is crazy, just crazy. I think you have hit my entire past life in a nutshell,except I have always loved a massage. I have always, since 6 years old, been a “bigger” girl and still am at 47. I am sure there is something I need to be comfortable with or deal with, but not sure what it is. In this past month, I have been doing some deep soul searching and decided to love me just as I am. Not look in the mirror and see all of the flaws, but just love me. I deserve great love and I especially deserve it from me! Finally I get that part. So as far as the timing. We have a post going out on Monday saying that we (hubby and I) are going to the nude beach to just be comfortable with our bodies. It ends with leaving people hanging, not sure if we are really going to do it or not.. Well, today I decided that I personally need to know if I am going to do it before that first post releases. I don’t want to do it or not do it due to pressure or comments from others. So we just returned from our adventure about an hour ago. I will write another post about that. Thank you for being so open and dear. I know people come in and go out of our lives for reasons and perhaps this is why I feel connected to you. You are a brave beautiful soul and I applaud you.

    Reply

    • Melanie Murrish

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      Hi Heidi, I love it when we meet up like this; I promise I’m not stalking you!
      ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply

      • Heidi Wagoner

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        I just love it too. Have been off line all day as we have been exploring Ronda! Melanie you can stalk me, it is okay! LOL

        Reply

        • Gabi

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          yeah! permission! even more fun.

          Reply

      • Gabi

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        melanie, you are debatably my favorite stalker of all time. please stalk heidi, she would love that. she deserves it too!

        Reply

    • Gabi

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      Oh, heidi. if someone would have told me last winter when i did that blog contest that i would earn such a deep and loving soul-mate as you, i wouldn’t have believed it. i could not have imagined that a fairy with wings as loving and wide as yours would come and be there, be my witness, hug me and fan me every step i take, every insight i find in my heart. thank you dear. oh course you deserve to love you. you are amazing! every damn inch of you big girl is amazing. please, please, please send me the links to your nude beach posts, i must read, and i think many of our women friends here would be honored to read as well, and know, if you did it or not, and how did it feel. nude beach is so on my list for my soul. i am thrilled that this story brought you some light, helped you deal with that next step in loving yourself. i am so deeply honored to do that for you friend, after all you have done for me. “You are a brave beautiful soul and I applaud you”- what can i possibly say to that. So, i’ll just bow. softly, slowly, and deeply. gabi

      Reply

  • Erin Doolittle

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    Love love love u Ms. Gaby. Your energy literally leaps off the computer screen and into my heart every time I read you! Also – I am WILDLY jealous! Massage is my favorite thing in the world!

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      Erin, I am so happy you found this one. I thought of you and thought you’d have so much insight, so much to say about this, and now that I know you’ve read it, my heart is singing. I just wanted to know that you read it love. And you did! I love you Ms. Erin! Thank you for feeling my energy and for letting me into your heart. I am honored to be there, and promise to tread lightly. ๐Ÿ™‚ All three were amazing. Don’t be jealous! Right now my track record is totally four in my almost forty years so we’re still at one in ten years! ๐Ÿ™‚ Looks like I have a lot of catching up to do! I love you, Gabi

      Reply

  • Erin Bender (Travel With Bender)

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    While I don’t have the same beliefs as you in other lives, etc. I still found this post personal and touching. That you never had a massage until 38 is crazy! Now the secret you have to find is to live in any skin and still be happy. I might never be the weight I want or have the looks I want, but I firmly believe beauty is within. I remember moving to a new school and seeing this hot guy, until he opened his mouth. After that I never saw him as hot ever again. If only our beauty on the inside could be seen as easily we would all be in nudist camps lol – I’m not there yet ๐Ÿ˜€

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      erin dear. thank you for that. thank you. though i went through the physical struggle with my body and focus on that ‘success’ right now, i know that a- it all changes and so will this and b- my inner beauty will always be what is most precious. i have always admired men and women who in every shape and size wear bathing suits and have a great time. i have spent years looking at larger women at the pool having fun being alive while i sat covered at the poolside wishing i knew how to be in that moment and just be happy. so, your love in ‘any skin’ is such a dear gift. so valuable and admirable. thank you for sharing that erin. and i, like you, don’t think the specific beliefs matter past lives, christ, no god, it doesn’t matter if we can all gain what we need to, learn what we are meant to, give what we were called to, and love each other. so, thank you for taking the time to read this one erin. hot guys story- too funny! i knew one ‘hot’ girl in high school who was such a snob and soooo into herself that she was truly very ugly. i know. i know. mwah, gabi

      Reply

  • Val @ThisWayToParadise

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    This touches not just the heart, but also the soul. Thank you, Gabi, for all the healing that you bring to people…

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      Val, thank YOU! you’re story is still playing in my mind and inspiring me daily. Thank you for being there, heart and soul, and for finding your soul and heart and now, for listening to it. That takes guts and creates strong ripples that will inspire many as well. To the light, Gabi

      Reply

  • Alejandra Gil

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    Thanks for sharing this gabi

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      Alejandra, Thank you for taking the time to say that you’ve been here. It means the world to me! Gabi

      Reply

  • nicole

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    Love reading your thoughts. you are a younger kindred spirit. I too am from Israel and too spent a year travelling in s.e.asia and plan to spend another year or two there. because I learnt so much there about myself and about who I want to be and because I am that person when I live there. Good energy coming your way.

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      nicole, thank you dear. so that’s why i have to struggle so much, cuz i’m a young soul? oh, i should have put the dots together. thank you for telling me, but hey, how lucky am i that even in my youth, i can inspire a few others. i am so blessed and fortunate. israel, south east asia, finding you here. asia has been so very kind to my soul. where are you now? and when you do plan to come back? i remember you commented once on FB that you barely saw any israelis. we also met very few but loved every one of them that we could hold onto for a while. ๐Ÿ™‚ i got the energy. send more. ๐Ÿ™‚ gabi

      Reply

  • Melanie Murrish

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    Hmmm…..food for thought. I have never had a massage and I’m 43. I’m not too comfortable with my body, yet people tend to think I am uber confident! Alcohol doesn’t help me even though I pretend it does. I better stop now as this could go on for some time. Love you Gabi.x

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      melanie, why stop dear. we’re just warming up around here. join the circle and spill your guts out. ๐Ÿ™‚ ok, so what if you go schedule one and see what happens? i could not even think about it until this year. so, i know, i know. adoring you exactly as you are sister. thank you for always, always, always being there. gabi

      Reply

  • Dawn Cheairs

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    Gabi, that was an amazing read. Melanie, love yourself and go get a massage ๐Ÿ˜€ There are support systems everywhere, and life is too short to feel flawed.

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      dawn. hi. i am so glad. thank you. there is plenty more of this sort where that came from. when you feel inspired, click around the site and you will find more, but please tell me what you find for i really, really want to know where you’ve been and what else resonates with you. i do hope melanie gets her massage. i do. she deserves it. i deserve it. you deserve it. ‘life is too short to feel flawed’ oh, i feel i could make great pic art with it, may i?

      Reply

  • Vanessa

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    Thank you Gabi. We are all naked souls ;).

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      yeah. naked souls. what a lovely mix of words. thank you. hugs to you vanessa dear. gabi

      Reply

  • Emily

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    Freedom has outed me! I’ve read this article before, and I not having any real historical problem with my body really had no reason to read it again. Except to find my best friend sister and my new internet inspiration source are in cahoots! ๐Ÿ™‚ Gabi, you are a pleasure and a gift. Expect to hear more from -at least- me.

    manifest love, manifest life
    Emily

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      oh my i love that and am so touched. i, for example, adore erin doolittle’s work and have for some time. a few weeks past i found that my brother had liked one of her posts on FB. what a small and beautiful world. i’d love to know who is related to who and who brought whom and how you all ended up here. i know logical can explain it and i love to know but really, it matters none at all for it was all meant to be. we were meant to be here in this space, sharing this together. we clearly have something to each learn and teach each other.

      how wonderful that you don’t carry any of these issues, and still how lovely that you came to reread it. maybe your soul wanted you to see us all here together. i would be honored to hear from you again and again dear. and thank you for calling me a pleasure and a gift. wow, i could marry you for that one.

      manifest love, manifest life, (i think i will)

      gabi

      Reply

  • amber

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    as a massage therapist…i LOVE this!

    Reply

  • Joey

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    ฦณoฮฟu need to bbe a part of ษ‘ contest for one of the highest quality sites on
    the internet. I’m going to rec฿‹mmend this site!

    Reply

  • Aryn

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    Aryn…

    Gabi Klaf – Towards Enlightment, One Step at a Time ยป Learning of Rape Through The Massage Table- Overcoming What We Donย’t Know…

    Reply

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