“Mama said there’d be days like this. there’d be days like this my mama said.”
– Diana Ross
From my private journal:
what a morning, what a last few weeks! i feel like i want them to get away from me, far far away from me. and i know they are adorable, and i know they only need my guidance, and i know they look up at me and don’t understand where their patient, loving, mother is. they look up now and see someone upset, beside herself, disgusted, rejecting, repulsed, and totally unsympathetic. not a nice family picture, i know. but this is what i have right now. no good reason like major stress, money problems, health issues, marital tension.i am feeling very uncomfortable with the weight i’ve gain the last few months. that is not sitting well with me at all. but still, nothing really strong that justifies my intense need to escape them. i’m finding myself these days saying all the things you’re never supposed to tell your kids. i’m belittling, nagging, scolding, threatening, being sarcastic, being ugly on purpose….
oh, what an awful feeling. awful. when i hit these places i know to do three things that will make a difference. i guess i’ve enjoyed this gross place enough cuz i’ve started to do these things. i guess i’m ready to do something else with my loved ones- other than reject and fight with them.
so, my one, two, three formula to get out of this place:
1- Focus on the Core of the Pain- Me
spend time doing things good for me, walk, read, talk with a friend, do something fun that refills my batteries and reconnects me with me. (i’ve been exhausted lately. takes a lot of energy to hate everyone around you. takes tons of energy to feel stuck and miserable.very exhausting stuff.) so, i signed up for yoga twice a week in the mornings, walking another twice a week, and yesterday i started calling friends i haven’t talked to for months. i needed to hear their love, needed to share my feelings and hear them aloud.
the second part of focus is looking deep within myself to find the core of my pain. this is only within me. is it my self-criticism about my body and the weight i’ve gained? is it nervousness about our up-coming trip where we’ll be with the kids all the time and i fear i will lose my identity and my time alone? is it being overwhelmed by all that my business requires and feeling very strongly that i’m not managing my time right and thus not seeing the results i want? it is all of these and full volume. i have work to do within myself to calm these storms. to look within them, feel them fully, and do the work required to release them.
2- Bring Clarity Into My Life
there are so many sticky places in our lives right now that i dread to enter. i realized that our mornings suck, showers are nightmares, going to bed is too long and painful, and weekends at home with the kids all day is hell. i know i’ve very wise and sharp to notice, but something is not going right in our family. something is very very off tilt. we usually love being together. what is going on?
what is not working in our routines, our communication? are there new needs in our family? my eldest? me? my husband? we need to change our family’s communication and routines based on the changing needs of our family members. needs have changed here but we’re continuing to do the same. time to reevaluate what we all need and see how those needs get met. frustrated people are frustrated family members and the explosions are not pretty.
once we see what needs are off, we will want to make changes. family meeting time. how will the morning be different. what happens at night. how we handle our responsibilities at home. how we communicate to each other, also in anger. we will talk and share and decide and be CLEAR. lack of clarity brings about more frustration into a home than anything. what happens, when, and how and what happens when it does not happen. CLARITY when every member of our family knows fully and can act from that accurate information.
3-Enter New Information Into The System.
when the information we have swimming around in our souls is sour, we tend to recycle it over and over again. “my life sucks, i’m stuck, i’m no good, i’m guilty, it’s not fair, i’m not appreciated.” and we can say it to ourselves unconsciously 1000 times a day. better still, we seek evidence that our thoughts are justified. “see, he’s talking to me like that! again, i knew i was an awful mom!” we want to enter new information into the system. i suggest doing this in three ways
a- find a book that inspires you, that guides you, that gives you the information that you want to be using in your daily life. at times like this, i grab any of the dozens of parenting and self-healing books around the house and start reading. last night i began rereading How to Talk So You’re Kids will Listen and Listen So You’re Kids will Talk by Mazlich and Faber and i’m in love, again. their information works for me, centers me, enlightens me. you may turn to a website (like thegiftofparenting.com) or any other which inspires you, brings you back to the light inside of you.
b- observe your kids from the side and rediscover how amazing and precious and beautiful they are. cuz they really really are. when i watch them from the side, look at their artwork, listen to their conversations, watch them eat from another room, i begin to SEE them again. see their beauty, their light, their angel dust.
c- actively record the blessings in your life. when we get bummed out we only see the black and the gray. we forget, we become blind to all the golden, all the breath-taking array of color. when you make lists of your blessings in a journal, a blog, to a friend, to yourself you begin to see it again. the color begins to seep back into your life. and then, finally, you can smile.
so, i’ve written it out. now to print it, put it on the fridge and to walk the talk. i’m ready.
thanks for letting me share that. i feel much better now.
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