My Addiction: Cleaning the Core-Part 8

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Overcoming Ourselves

finding the soul in art too

The dark thought, the same, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each guest has been sent as a guide from beyond. -Rumi

So, look what I found. An old entry from months back that still, still, still deserves to be shared. The Conscious Suffering and those that follow it, are still, all this time later, the cleaning that is still being done. I must say how grateful (and shocked) I am that all this time later, all these months later; I am still working on it. Better? Infinitely. There? Still. The series began here, and the last video from it, is right  below this…..

And here, I am finally learning the lessons, I am finally in a place that I can begin to go within, and heal. It’s been a long and wretched journey; but one that has left me all the wiser. I wish I could say that it is all behind me. It’s not. It resurfaces, it occasionally coils its way into my soul and chokes me. And then, precisely then, is when I know I still have work to do.

My issues have been not belonging, being rejected, being abandoned, being left alone and all of them come up in fierce color as I face this loss in my life. Who I was, what I looked like, how I acted was all different in the light of my friend, in the light of my cat Bareket; and a half dozen other periods of time in my life. If I can accept that I am recreating the same broken pattern over and over again; I can start taking responsibility, learn what it is I am meant to, and move on. 

Until I learn what it is I was put on this Earth to learn, I am doomed to continue these very painful patterns. So, I give up, I give in. I bow to the powers that are much more powerful than I am and accept that I am the student here. I shall listen to my soul, ask it the right questions and see what I am destined to walk away with.

Thanks for being here for this journey. I look better these days, no? I think so. I can see the color back in my cheeks. I ‘ve missed that color.

The End?

With this, officially, this series ends; but does it really? Until I can look at this in the eye and feel zero, zero, zero pain; it’s still there. “If we meet on the streets of May, and I don’t know what to say. Look away, baby, look away. Don’t look at me. I don’t want you to see me this way”. Until I can meet one day on the streets of May, hear that name, remember the love; and nothing hurts; there is still what to learn. So, with my thimble in the bathtub full of water, I continue to walk- humbly, gratefully, joyfully, and sometimes, still sadly.

And so, I know (deep down, and very silently) that I was meant to learn lessons here. Of what? Of betrayal, abandonment, my fear of being alone… What is it my soul is meant to learn here? If I continue to create  and re-create dramas in my life in which I am the victim/being rejected/abandoned ; will I get it?

When will I wake up to the fact that this, this wrenching pain is my lesson; this unbearable deja vu will relive itself out forever until I learn to re-frame it, and learn from it? Did you wake up and realize you keep re-creating the same painful scene? Did something ever slap you so hard that you awoke, shocked and sweaty,and knew, knew that you were just so sick of the same song and dance? So, am I ready to learn? Are you? Are we ready to stop diving into reruns of that and create something else? 

What Rumi and Thich Nhat Hanh Know

I am a bird of the heavenly garden

I belong not to the earthly sphere.

They have made for two or three days

A cage of my body. – Rumi

Yes, it is this that I desire- to be a bird of the heavenly garden. Yes, that is all. Oh, and this…

Take my hand.
We will walk.
We will only walk.
We will enjoy our walk without thinking of arriving anywhere.- Thich Nhat Hanh

 

Gabi

This is part of an 8 part series, which continues ever more into “Conscious Suffering” and on. It’s my journey, I can cry if I want to. You would cry too if it happened to you…..

Part 1- My Addiction: Consumed by Desire        Part 2- My Addiction: Terrifying Truths

Part 3- My Addiction: Withdrawal                        Part 4- My Addiction: Getting To Grief

Part 5- My Addiction: Seeing the Light                  Part 6- My Addiction: Basking In My Own Light

Part 7- My Addiction: Ricochets of Pain                Part 8- My Addiction: Cleaning The Core

 

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