Part 5: My Addiction:Seeing the Light Reflected Off Myself

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Addiction and Obsession, Overcoming Ourselves

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my addiction- seeing the light reflected off myself

“Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter.
Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun,
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right….”

So, the sun is beginning to shine in my little inner world. I am beginning to see the light of the Universe kindly, softly glowing within me. And that’s what this part is all about, it’s about bowing down to the beauty of what was and walking away, enlightened from it. That’s what life is about; what our painful growth should be about.

Can we take the tragedies in our lives and convert them to something empowering? Surely. I do that all the time with clients who have undergone rape, betrayal, and the death of a loved one. So, can we take something beautiful and turn it into a tragedy? Yes, we can, but why.

And that is one of the lessons my friend taught me. My friend would tell me, “How dare you take something beautiful and make it tragic! How dare you!” And so, I’m making lists of all the beautiful gifts that I received and am, slowly, finding ways to bring those gifts into my life without my friend. And I’m making lists of all the ways I saw myself in the presence of this friend, all the beauty that shined in me as I was reflected off the light of another. And these embers, I am determined to keep aglow without the friend.

And why? Because I am strong enough to do that. I can do that without the help of anyone; I can do that alone. And though I became dependent on a dear friend, and thus became vulnerable when the friend died; I can do this for myself. Because I love myself, all by myself, enough; and, again, I’m strong enough.

So, ‘here comes the sun”. I can do and will (and am) doing this.

How did you make the sun come out again? When the clouds stopped obscuring your soul, could you begin to see the light? If you are not there yet, what can you do to start seeing the light that then shone in you, now? Can you realize deep inside that you don’t need that drug, that job, that house, that relationship, that milestone to be whole? Can you see that?

This post is part of a nine part series about how I fell deeper than I ever have in my life, and got up, very s-l-o-w-l-y. You can read the entire series and witness the process here:

Part One: My Addiction: Consumed By Desire

Part Two: My Addiction: Terrifying Truths

Part Three: My Addiction: Withdrawal

Part Four: My Addiction: Getting To Grief

As usual, I would be honored to hear, to share, to feel you there on your learning journey as well. Together, we’re all just travelers on our roads towards ourselves. And this journey, too, for me, has brought me closer to a cleaner Gabi. And to that, I bow- deeply, slowly, and softly.

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