I had helped people with withdrawals before. I had a fascinating young man named Mark who though in and out of prison, stayed true to his drug addiction; a father of three who lost his wife and kids because he couldn’t stop playing cards with the guys; and a beautiful young woman who couldn’t go back to her husband after her affair left her with a new taste/a new light in her life that she just was not willing to let go of. And now, as I face the metaphorical death of a dear, intimate friend; I get it. Now, I see how painful that withdrawal is and how we lose perspective of our lives in the face of our desires.
Last night, I sat down in a coffee shop to get some writing done. A father I know walked by. We’d never said more to than hello to each other. He works at the supermarket; I am a grocery shopper. He’s very quiet. I approached him to inquire about his daughter. He told me about a program her school had organized. We exchanged a few words about the importance of academics. I was stunned that he had shared so much already; he had barely even made eye contact with me. And, then, he tells me this…
“I don’t care if she becomes a rocket scientist or not. I don’t care how good her grades are.
For some of us, dreams are those little puffy things that flow into your mind during sweet slumber. Some of them are better than others; most of them we forget as soon as we shake the sleep off. For some of us, dreams become little puffy goals that we’d like to get around to ‘one day’ when we have more money/time/health/ideal conditions. Some of them pinch our hearts and hurt cuz we know we’re living in excuses and will most likely never actualize them; some of them excite us enough momentarily to actually believe we may do something about it soon. And then, there are those who, for them, dreams are the blueprint to exactly why, how, when, and where they need to go next.
First off, have a good laugh for I am in the bathroom, and I know that it looks like I’m actually on the toilet. (Didn’t think that one through before I started the recording!) I have found lately that the bathrooms here in the hostel are my best bet for a quiet recording. And so, here we are, intimate as ever, right? 🙂
And now, to our business…Yet again, here we are, going through this process. I am facing a desire that I cannot have, a desire that is consuming me. And I’ve decided to face this head on and look it in the eyes. And in here, you can hear the pain, you can hear the utter insanity including giving up my life, dying in order to have my desire.
I am not just Gabi Klaf, the family therapist. That actually is a just a tiny sliver of who I am. I am Joseph and Batya’s daughter. Sigal and Mickey’s sister, the daughter-in-law and aunt to Kobi’s beautiful extended family. I am a whole person with a family, dreams, fears, plans, and pet peeves. I am a lover of books and music and exercise; the wind, the sky, and Mother Earth. I am scared of the ocean, of being rejected/abandoned, and of being alone in the dark. I love time alone, eating raw foods (and non-raw food! I guess all food!), and re-inspiring and re-discovering myself. I love traveling the world and having no obligation to anyone but the wind. Here are some videos that reflect my light, my life, my family…. Enjoy.
Part of learning is sometimes so very painful. You know that; I know that too. And here I am, in pain, great overwhelming pain, for I have a desire that won’t be met. There is something in my life that I so desperately want, and yet, it will not be. And so, I am shooting a deluge of energy into an allusive dream which creates in me this abyss of misery.
I am miserable, and in this stage of the game; it sucks. So, I wish to live what I teach, I want to always have the integrity to say “I will do what I tell my clients to do” . And so, I reached that point that I am no longer willing to suffer. I no longer want to continue the drama of suffering in my life, because (frankly) it hurts too much, the cost is too great.
How Do I Know If My Child Has ADHD?
Neither you, your child’s teacher, nor the school counselor can properly diagnose a child with ADHD. Only a certified professional who can give your child the diagnostic tests can tell you for sure. Be that as it may, there are common symptoms that may serve as sure-tell signals to check it out.
Music has this powerful affect on me. It always has. It captures my soul. It hugs me, touches inside of me this chord of truth and depth. It plays my soul like harp strings. It fills my being with connectedness and meaning.
My entire life, I’ve connected to songs; not just to their tune, but to their words. Like anyone in love knows that that love song written just for him; I’ve always found artists whose words vibrated in the exact same frequency of my heart. Songs have impacted me throughout my life. They’ve given my joy words when I could not; given my sadness meaning when I had lost mine; given my confusion melody when I most needed it.
Helped me parent when I had no idea how to…
“Mama said there’d be days like this. there’d be days like this my mama said.”
– Diana Ross
From my private journal:
what a morning, what a last few weeks! i feel like i want them to get away from me, far far away from me. and i know they are adorable, and i know they only need my guidance, and i know they look up at me and don’t understand where their patient, loving, mother is. they look up now and see someone upset, beside herself, disgusted, rejecting, repulsed, and totally unsympathetic. not a nice family picture, i know. but this is what i have right now. no good reason like major stress, money problems, health issues, marital tension.i am feeling very uncomfortable with the weight i’ve gain the last few months. that is not sitting well with me at all. but still, nothing really strong that justifies my intense need to escape them. i’m finding myself these days saying all the things you’re never supposed to tell your kids. i’m belittling, nagging, scolding, threatening, being sarcastic, being ugly on purpose….