The Homeless Guy and I Got Lost- 58 Days Later

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Inspiration and Appreciation, Who Is Gabi Klaf?

Mom homeschool blog, self help, inspiration, buddhism, clean your soul, how to live a life of passion, parenting, reduce stress. love yourself, energy healing blog

“She’s [gabiklaf.com] been down for almost two months, which has taught me a lot about letting go of my baby, what defines me, and my ego; and now,  I sit and look at her again and wonder how to touch her again. Like the first time again, I want it to be so romantic, just perfect.”

– an email to a new online friend

And so, here I go….

There’s a homeless guy at the end of the street who directs the traffic. He stands there, very intense and passionate, doing his job. Florescent pink plastic whistle in mouth, wad up stack of paper in right hand, arms flapping all over the place. No one pays him to do it. I don’t think anyone pays attention to him either.

I do. I love the homeless man. Yesterday, when he tried to help me cross the street, I smiled and looked the other way. He made me uncomfortable. Tomorrow, I’m going to cross the street a few times just so that he can direct me safely to the other side. Just to thank him. Just to make him feel important. That’s what I told my kids when they asked me, “Why does he do it if no one pays him?”

We All Want To Feel Important

Mom homeschool blog, self help, inspiration, buddhism, clean your soul, how to live a life of passion, parenting, reduce stress. love yourself, energy healing blog

I think everyone of us just wants to feel important. We want someone to care what we think, we want our voice to be heard. We want to know that if we dropped dead on the side of the street, someone would care. I waved goodbye to a piece of a fantasy a few weeks back, and he didn’t wave back. I was in the water, with my daughter who was snorkeling, waving like a mad woman and as the boat pulled away, I realized, he doesn’t see me, he’s not thinking about me, he doesn’t care, and it doesn’t matter.

What a joy it was to feel the last part. It doesn’t matter. I don’t matter. How invigorating and enlightening it was to know that I am, flesh (and a whole lot more, but for now, bare with me), flesh that could rot in these waters and nothing would matter. Yes, some people would miss me. Yes, my kids and Kobi would cry for a long time and look back at my pictures and me babbling in all of those thousands of videos and idolize me. Yes! For once, someone would listen without pulling each others’ hair or fighting over who gets to be in the middle.

But, no, that’s the point. You see, they would still would fight over who gets to be in the middle, and they would still would be obnoxious, even in my death, when I really want it all to go quiet. And yes, after the boo hoo-ing is over, it wouldn’t matter.

Filling Blessed Voids

You see, I believe that even in my death, that that will be a huge blessing to my family. Yes, when the ego of me and my all-awesome importance stops to breathe, I realize that when I die, a void will be created. In that void, something awesome and empowering will become that could not in my presence. Yes, when I go, something else amazing will become.

I also believe that loneliness is a shitty thing, and a great equalizer forcing u:

  • to face who we are
  • what we are
  • what we aren’t
  • what we haven’t done
  • who we haven’t become
  • what fears, secrets and regrets we still have tucked away screaming at us every time it gets too silent

So, what do we do?

We turn off the silence, fill it with noise, drown it, verbalize it, get-busy-ize it and full blast so that we don’t hear it. And I’ve been tossing and turning for a long time, 58 days now, about losing my baby, losing gabiklaf.com, losing my readers, losing my voice, losing my ego-filled spot that I worked so hard to create, losing you. And you know what I did in that silence?

I freaked out some, I cried a bit, but, shockingly, not that much. Really. Drama queen me didn’t create that much drama over it. I didn’t break. I didn’t fall apart. I didn’t lose who I was. I knew that losing gabiklaf.com was a teacher, a great opportunity to face how impermanent I am, and how much it all really doesn’t matter.

Mom homeschool blog, self help, inspiration, buddhism, clean your soul, how to live a life of passion, parenting, reduce stress. love yourself, energy healing blog

What Does Matter

That I live in the moment.

That I take care of my body and eat mostly raw food, slowly, and in awareness.

That I fully realize, real-time, how amazing my dear husband is.

That I keep making time to learn new things, to play guitar, to exercise, to watch the rain.

That I keep being me, not scared of what others will say and not too influenced by neither the praise nor the criticism.

That I continue to love myself.

That I turn off the computer and see, really, really see my kids and how precious they are.

That I breathe.

Your Turn

I used to think I wrote to myself. That I wrote into cyber-nothingness and that it was just  my little online journal, and that helped me through many a dark days. I used to think that I won’t matter online and you know what, if I do or I don’t, it doesn’t matter. I do hope that my love and my energy and my desire to inspire others on their healing journey too makes it to the right address. That’s why I loved my therapy groups in Israel, Panama, and Cambodia, cuz I got to see the faces and witness their growth, along with mine.

I have learned in the passed months that many people have read my blog, that my words have helped many women in those darkest moments find a glimpse and then more, of light. I do hope my words guide you, make you laugh or smile, and allow you, if only for a moment, to hug yourself and breathe.

I love you. If you chose to write something, go for it. That way I’ll know you are there. If you chose to stay silent, I love you. I  love you. I love you. And yes, I am just talking to myself, reflecting the love I have for myself off of you.

Gabi

 

 

 

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Comments (12)

  • Vanessa ortiz

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    Im here…i see you..and I love you… This is the 1st post of gabiklaf.com i’ve seen so far ( i do follow thenomadic family) im so glad u didnt let htis one die. Yesterday i went to my first yoga class and it felt sooo good. To really feel myself breathing, to let go, to fly weightless in a place i’ve never been. And now i’ve found this blog and I am aware of tbe few rain drops falling outside my home, the lovebirds playing around my neighbors tree…oh is a new world! Ur energy feels so nice Gabi, keep sharing the love with our world.

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      Vanessa. wow. wow.i’m here. i see you and i love you too. but you knew that. i am so touched by your comment. i just poked at kobi, like you poke at your love, to come see this. the rain, the birds, i’m so overjoyed to bring that into your focus. and the yoga. oh, i’ll tell my friend lauren, a yoga teacher, she will cry with me for joy over your realizing yourself. thank you for finding this dear, for reaching out (again). i would looooove to share this on facebook. tell me if i may, with your name on it or not, you decide. you are so inspiring. gabi

      Reply

      • Vanessa

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        Oops..sorry Gabi,,,i just saw your follow up comment and of course you can post my comments..( actually, I beg you , please please)). And is funny because i came back at this post by a google search “gaby klaf death creates void” because I remembered you blogged about how your deAth would create a wonderful void in your family and That gave a new perspective to me regarding “death” and I wanted to forward it to a friend (who has a very sick father).-and then, I re-read what I wrote, And I couldnt believe the magnificent energy that came out thru it and I want to go back to that place of well being…(2 minutes later) I feel so blessed this very moment. Thank you, thank you, Thank YOU!!!

        Reply

        • Gabi

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          and i feel so blessed at this very very moment too. thank you for adding light to my life too. yes, that deaths create voids are all over the place here and in the nomadic family blog (boston marathon post- in case you were looking for that). oh, i have such a great course about death. i wish i had it out in english…. on my to do list. thank you vanessa keep leaving your loving foot prints. i’ll keep answering and together, we’ll keep being inspired thank you so much dear. gabi

          Reply

  • Carole Terwilliger Meyers

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    Gabi, your revelations are painful but familiar. I’m so sorry for your loss of a child, which must be at the top of the most painful list. I assume it was catharctic to write about it, as it was for me when I wrote about my dad, http://www.berkeleyandbeyond.com/carousel-press/dad_s_story.html. I spent a year writing his story, and shed many, many tears in the process. The sadness seems never to go away, but I do now feel that I have worked it through. Bless you.

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      Oh bless your dear loving soul Carole and thank you for taking the time to share, so honestly and openly with me. What a joy to walk with your for this little bit. I apologize for any miscommunication on the blog. I have not lost a child. I have lost other very dear people to my heart, not in a physical death but in a death that means that that love and friendship can no longer be. and that is a treacherous death as well- the death of a dream and of who you think you can’t be in the presence of another. . i dearly appreciate your taking the time to read and care, and hope, will all my heart, that you will join our community of caring like-minded souls to walk together for a bit.

      GAbi

      Reply

  • Strong Wings

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    Gabi, your words illuminates the darkness, opens the blockages, heals the wounds. The energy which you let in to this world trough your words might be touching people who even did not read your words.

    Keep talking my dear friend, talking your highest truth. I believe you are here for this reason. To uplift this heaviness, to uplift this mass.. Thousands of us picked up one piece of this big, heavy, dirty carpet.. lifting lifting lifting up. taking it out from our home. Taking out.
    i love you.

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      strongs wings
      i love you. so so so much. your kind words remind me why i share. so that even if one, or one hundred, or no one reads it, the energy of my words are released and are part of our new cosmic material. thank you dear friend. thank you again and again and again for knocking on that door and entering our lives. gabi

      Reply

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    Reply

  • Sven

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