Part 1: My Addiction: Consumed by Desire

Part of learning is sometimes so very painful. You know that; I know that too. And here I am, in pain, great overwhelming pain, for I have a desire that won’t be met. There is something in my life that I so desperately want, and yet, it will not be. And so, I am shooting a deluge of energy into an allusive dream which creates in me this abyss of misery.

I am miserable, and in this stage of the game; it sucks. So, I wish to live what I teach, I want to always have the integrity to say “I will do what I tell my clients to do” . And so, I reached that point that I am no longer willing to suffer. I no longer want to continue the drama of suffering in my life, because (frankly) it hurts too much, the cost is too great. In this eight-part series, I share with you the entire journey through desire and how (in such small, baby steps) I pulled myself out of an addiction. When our desires consume us they become addictions- addictions as griping and painful as heavy drug addiction. An addiction that requires a very slow (sometimes excruciating) withdrawal.

And so, dear friends, here I am, yet again, with my heart on my sleeve. I can’t expect you to be real with me, if I’m not real with you. I can’t expect you to find the courage to face your greatest challenges, if I am unable to model that for you. And surely, I can’t expect you to share/trust/grow and learn with me, if I’m not a breathing/bleeding/sometimes foolish and lost soul too.

And anyhow, this helps me so much. Sharing, bringing my pain journey, my growth, my learning out to this open discussion; brings me more strength than I can say. No matter what we are going through, friends, no matter what we have done; there is no shame. No shame, no guilt, no self-loathing, no shame, no shame. There is only growth and learning.

Consumed by Desire-My Addiction- Part 1 is mostly about labeling it correctly, about understanding that what I am doing, that where I am stuck is so very unhealthy. This first step of awareness prepares me for facing what is ahead.

Do you know what it feels like to be consumed with something just out of your reach? Have you ever felt those desperate thoughts choke you (literally) with a helplessness that drives you mad? What did you do? What did you learn about yourself as you underwent this life-or-death process? Were you able to identify it as the unhealthy addiction that it was? And did that help you breathe?

This article is part of an eight-part series in which I share my journey through an addiction. Thus far, published series pieces include:

Expressing the Terrifying Truths: My Addiction- Part 2