Child is pushing on every single button I have. Complaining, talking back, whining, “Why did she get that and I didn’t,” and “It’s not fair,” and pre-hormonal outbreaks of “I hate you!” slamming doors and dramatic crying fits. And I’m out of breath. Literally. I. Cannot.Breathe. I simple cannot.
My heart it pounding into my throat as I debate which would bring me more immediate joy- violently attacking child or eating fifteen snickers bars. Both I consider both an inch more than slightly irrational, though in my current state of mind it’s not blazingly clear to me which would be worse. It should be. My mind knows. So does my heart. But these buttons, these neurons of painful unresolved issues firing like hot flashed dog-in-heat, they don’t speak the language I’ve trained myself to adhere to. They don’t get anicca, and light and energy healing. They don’t speak that tongue.
They do, but not now when they are aflame. Right now, they speak animal. Savage animal and are flighting and frighting all over the place. I want it to freeze. Freeze. Freeze. I’m writing it to you but saying it to myself. “Anicca, anicca, anicca,” and I feel it start to subside. Pounding gets a decibel softer, slower, and then child say something genius again, “You always do this to me. Why me? Why me?”
Right on Cue.
Trust me child of God, son of Adam, decedent of neanderthal man, you do. not. want. mother. to. answer. your. question. right. now. It will not be loving, wise, or enlightened. It will be more like a savage combination of growl, bark, and snarl. I feel like I could bite you with rabied ecstasy.
I will remain silent and figure out how to reconnect to the me I want to be in these situations.
So,how do we do that?
1- Anicca, anicca, anicca.
Never forget that this will pass. I don’t need to reach any conclusions regarding my miserable failure as a parent or how rotten this apple has become. No, it all passed. It’s all ok. It’s all learning.
2. It’s all growing pains.
I had them. You had them. My child must too. I’m almost thirty-nine years old and still, after a decade and a half of therapy and self-help, at the drop of a hat, I can get all puffed up over this or that or the other that my parents did to me. [Note: really time to grow up and move on Gabi.] And so, clearly, my child must go through the pimples of growing into her own skin.
“Who I am?” a child constantly asked himself. “Who I am?”
And part of the answer: I am not my parents.
And that kicking and cat-fighting (and those where-the-hell-did-that-come-from side-slaps) are the only way, sometimes, a kid can figure that out. Every kid on this globe, mine included.
Sigh of relief. I have normal children going through normal life processes, and I’m a normal woman with a normal inner child who is still licking her kitten paws and mending, one step at a time.
How badly am I dating myself here? 🙂
You take the good
You take the bad
You take them all
And there you have
The facts of life
Yeah, the fact of life.
Note in the end of the video, they show you how everyone has aged. They didn’t stay like I remembered them in my heart. They changed, grew, evolved, maybe even died, and yet, a part of them will always stay frozen as I experienced them, as all that they gave me in my wide-eyed thirsty-for-knowledge-and-love stages. Maybe, the actual relationships in our lives are a lot like that too?
PS: The picture I thought was perfect in its ironic twist, spiritual teacher guiding others to peace of mind and totally in moments of lostness and drowning. And yet, no irony and so perfect in it’s truth, because I am both, and none and all of those at the same time, and it is precisely my openness and honesty that I too am ever-on my path, that makes my groups as powerful as they are.
PPS: Aforementioned child whom I birthed came to say “I love you Mommy” and Mommy said, “I love you too. A lot.” Thank God I didn’t murder anyone. I would have missed the cream on my cake. 🙂
Speak to me, or don’t. I now know that you are there, either way. I know. I know.
Gabi is a certified trauma therapist, family communications expert, energy healer, and life coach with a Masters in Psychology. She shares her personal life stories and insights to inspire others to share their honest, neurotic selves and do all that is necessary to Clean Your Soul. She believes that all of us are on our journey from pain to the light, and by staying inspired and aware, we can all reach our fullest, cleanest, most beautiful free selves. Gabi takes a very limited number of one-on-one clients for transformational parenting, family, life, and trauma therapy. You may reach Gabi directly at firstname.lastname@example.org, subject line: coaching inquiry
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