I cannot straighten my body. I am locked, like a pretzel down, hunched, worse than what the cane-walking-elderly-lady-looks-like-in-an-old-movie hunched. I cannot stand. I have just watched an hour and a half movie. This happens whenever I sit for too long. I get trapped in my own tension. My body is chronically tight, wound up so taunt that it cannot even begin to imagine how to breathe it out. I was so empowered, so determined that I can do this, because I can. I can do anything. I got over the unspeakable abyss of insane desire, I will not give up in holding at bay this untamable beast, and I even lost 30 pounds. I can do anything. Anything. Anything, even at the cost of pissing off friends. At all costs, I can. Always.
And so, I was that excited, that woo-hoo-ing my journey, and like it came on so euphorically positive, it crashes that realistically negative. Can I do this?
What I Do Not Know How To Do:
stand
walk
sit
pick up things off the floor
sleep
What I Know I Should Be Doing:
changing positions throughout the day
being active
doing my psoas exercises, dropping my rib cage to my back and envisioning my muscles relaxing
doing my raised hip exercises, same as above
doing my ‘crab’ exercise, stretching that psoas
imagining my body full of light and healing and relaxation
What I Did Today:
ignored the whole damn thing and pretended like it would go away if I willed it away
wrote to my heart’s desire and enjoyed hours of meaningful blog posts on both blogs
yelled at my kids when my back got so stuck it felt like a chapped rubber band about to snap
felt overwhelmed and too challenged by trying to figure out everything from the beginning
What I Am Grateful For:
that I know now definitely what the source so all of my body complications are
that I can see evidence of this chronically tight muscle mass of meness all stuck in a painful mesh of solidity
that I can imagine a body flexing, flowing, and moving as I am meant to
that I have Lauren Ohayon guiding me through this
that I have zero (yes, zero) obligations that are taking me away from my goal and that my will and self discipline alone will determine the length, duration, and success of my rehabiliation
that I do not have anything life-threatening (yet) and that I have every resource (mostly time and relaxation) necessary to cure this
What I Am Reaffirming Now:
that I can do this and I will, I will, I will
that I will not get emotionally wound up and stressed like in AAAAA PART THREE where I fell to peices
that I will improve every day, except for the days that I don’t, which is also OK, forgivable, and part of my process
that I will get off the computer right now and go do the exercises with the gusto and belief in my ability to heal myself
that I am so happy to know that I CAN DO IT! Yes, I can.
How? One foot in front of the other! (My new greatest song I’m dying for and exactly the words I need to hear:
One
Foot
In
Front
Of
The
Other!
Speak divas (that’s for men too, by the way!) Tell me I can do this and that I’m sexy and young and healthy as I always thought I was. Tell me that being in shell-shock, going 180 degrees at it heads on, and ignoring it will not fix me. Tell me that I can apply all of my awesomeness to my own rehab, that I can relearn how to walk, sit, stand, and bend over, and that I will. Nothing is beyond me, or you. Nothing.
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