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Category: Addiction and Obsession

  • Conscious Suffering- How I Drag Myself Back Down

    And I hug myself, again, as I witness me walking right into my own hand-made drama, again. Enlightened? (Sigh) A bit more. At Peace? No. There? Probably never. As Cat used to lovingly say, “There will always be a bathtub more of spiritual work to do.” I am calmer, more full of light than I have ever been in my life; and still, my addiction, that one story, I can’t let go of. Not yet. I guess I have more to learn. And so, I search in Buddhism, Quantum Physics, and deep within the oceans of myself.

    I have lived on the lip of insanity,
    wanting to know reasons,
    knocking on a door. It opens.
    I’ve been knocking from the inside. – Rumi

    Buddhism says our senses, and the consciousnesses that come from that, create a direct path to our suffering. How do my senses drag me back down? I’m looking for some guidance for me, and maybe for you, too.

    Dragging Myself Back Down

    So, there are stimuli that cause me to suffer. Immediately. I know what I am doing and still I allow myself to walk down that path. I will consciously decide to think of this or remember that. I will suddenly see that, taste this, hear that, and I’m there. Not full-force anymore, but I’m there, enough. It hurts- enough; it confuses me -enough; it’s still there- enough. My addiction is unresolved. It lives somewhat dormant, deep inside of me. Until I touch it, brush against it, and it flairs up- enough. I have not let go.

    Today, I’m looking to Buddhism for some help. I’m shaking, so hold my hand, ok? Sometimes, I still need that.

    To End All Suffering- The Core of Buddhism

    In a nutshell, the entire point of Buddhism is to relieve suffering. That’s it. Relieve suffering. But, I, I am reliving suffering. I want to relieve it. Just an ‘e’. That can’t be so terribly hard, just a damn ‘e’.

    At Buddhism’s core of cores are The Four Noble Truths. The second one tells us that all suffering is caused by desire and attachment. I’m guilty of both. I desire and I attach. I am doing both in regards to my addiction.

    Buddhism also tells us that all suffering ends when we follow the Eight Fold Path. The first two principals in this path are Right View and Right Intention/Thought. Together, Right View and Right Intention/Thought form Wisdom, or Panna. Panna is also translated as ‘pure consciousness’. That’s what I want. To be pure. To see things as they are, and no longer create that drama, that suffocating deja vu story of mine. That’s it. “Pure Consicousness.”

    And so, I’ve begun looking into how Buddhism looks at consciousness. Right? Makes sense. If pure consciousness is what I want, I want to know what prevents me from it. I’ve found out a lot. A lot I can use now, and a lot more questions that I don’t know what to do with yet. But, I shall continue seeking; and shall share with you, every step of the way.

    What is Consciousness?

    Buddhism has between 6-9 different consciousnesses (depending on which form of Buddhism you look at). I want to look at model that explains 6 of those consciousnesses nicely, and tells me how I wind up turning my consciousness into craving (desire), which leads to more suffering.

    The Pali Canon has the Six Sextets Model of Consciousness. I’ll break down all five parts of the model, and then explain what we can get out of it. (If you are not so interested in the details of the model, and are more into the conclusions, skip to the “What Exactly Am I Doing Wrong” section below.)

    The model:

    1- SENSE BASES (has two parts)

    a- internal sense organ (eye, ear, nose, tongue, body, mind)

    b- external sense organ (visual form, sound, odor, taste, touch, mental object)

    So, the internal sense organ ( ie: eye) , in essence, meets the external sense organ (a visual) and forms a pair.

    eye- visual form tongue-taste

    ear-sound body-touch

    nose-odor mind-mental object

    This pair together meets one of six consciousnesses (#2 below) that fit it’s category.

    2- CONSCIOUSNESS

    visual consciousness gustatory consciousness

    auditory consciousness tactual consciousness

    olfactory consciousness mental consciousness ( I made this one up for simplicity purposes.)

    Now, each sense base pair, meets it’s consciousness, and forms a Contact (#3 below).

    3- CONTACT

    At the contact stage, the pair (from #1) and the consciousness unit (from #2) form a conclusion. I will conclude that this thing before me that I’m seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching, or thinking; that this thing is one of three conclusions to me:

    -pleasurable, painful, or neutral.

    So, for example, I miss this really special girl and go look up her pictures in facebook. My eye and the photo meet my visual consciousness. Together, they form a contact, which I conclude is painful, because I miss her so much it is unbearable, because I miss her so much it just hurts. This is painful contact.

    Based on how I register something as pleasurable, painful, or neutral; I create a Feeling (#4)

    4- FEELING

    How do I feel about what is going on before me? We all know that what that’s like. I love it, I hate, or I don’t have an opinion cuz it’s neither to me, it just is. My personal contact conclusion will elicit in me emotions.

    If I look at her picture and my contact conclusion is ‘pain’, then I allow myself to form all the emotions that go with it: sadness, anger, jealousy….

    And from that, I can form Craving (#5)

    5- CRAVING

    And, we all know this one, too. As soon as I crave, I desire, I obsess, I yearn, I want, I need…. I often lead myself gingerly down the path to suffering. Where does this suffering come from? From wanting, desiring that picture, that person, that touch, that taste, that smell, those emotions that were, that __________(fill in the blank) desire.

    What Exactly Am I Doing Wrong

    I am not getting what I want. I am craving something, partially what was and partially revenge/an apology/being right/being sought after/ regret/ sorrow. And though, until now, I have not physically let myself touch my addiction in any way; tonight, in a weird moment of weakness I kind of, sort of, kind of, yes, I touched it. And it made it all come up really strong. After four months of nothing, I touched it again. Hoping that after this life-time of silence that I would get what I crave. No.

    And so I realize a few things I’m doing wrong:

    1- I keep doing this to myself. Recreating my desire (the past) over and over again, in tearful memories.

    2- I keep hoping desperately for renewed contact (future) , which will only brings me more pain.

    3- I want to leave it dormant (ignore) for then at least the pain is a constant dull, but I don’t.

    And above all, I know, I know, I know that I don’t want 1, 2, or 3 anymore. I want to change how the entire thing is on a deeper level. I want it to not hurt at all, anymore. At all.

    Find yourself in my lists? Do you also abuse yourself, kill yourself softly all on your own? Do you see how the Six Sextets Model of Consciousness applies to your life? Can you see yourself allowing the stimulus to bring you down? Have you ever touched ‘pure consciousness’ yourself? How did that feel? Wanna be there again?

    I’m here, if you want to talk. I’m here, if you remain silent. I’m here, either way. Just me, with me, and my thoughts, and my journey, one step at a time.

  • Part 4: My Addiction: Getting to Grief

    “Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” – Rumi

    Have I told you lately how much I love Rumi. Rumi’s my man. He does it for me. Thank God for Rumi. In any moment of despair, confusion, lostness…. there is always a Rumi quote to push me back up. And so, I sit here grieving. Grieving a dream that will never actualize. But Rumi says that it will come around in another form… and if Rumi says, he knows. Let’s talk about grief. It’s hard, heavy, thick, choking and very necessary, but not always.

    I went to visit her in the week of mourning her husband’s death. I didn’t know her so well. Sometimes I had to think twice to remember her name. She had one of those hard names to remember. I knew him better. He died slowly, and suffered from a really tough battle with cancer; a battle that ended with him moving into their home to die in the arms of his family. And she was calm, totally calm. Like in a movie calm. She knew that his suffering was over, that her girls got to be there for their dad and held his hand until he died peacefully in their bedroom. She said the morning after, she woke up early and walked into the kitchen, and saw the dawn’s rays shining through the branches of the tree beyond, and she knew, she knew that the world was a kind and beautiful place.

    It is from her, from that moment of standing there with tears running down my face, that I knew I needed to study Humanology (formerly called Neo-Psychology). I studied for over two years and it has changed my life and the lives of hundreds I have helped through it.

    And yet, I sit here consumed in my own grief over an intimate, dear friendship that no longer has a place in my life. And I grieve, full heartedly. And I know, and Rumi knew, that she knew that in that void other wonderful things will emerge. That in the space that her husband occupied, other wonderful things will now blossom. And I know, I know that in the void of the deep friendship I am mourning, that other beautiful things will emerge. Like those lovely Costa Rican jungle mushrooms that are because of the decay of another; life will bring me other gifts that grow off of the remains of what was.

    So, as you watch me suffer, and be sad, and feel sorry for myself in my very personal, very painful loss; know these things:

    1- That is is OK, perfectly OK to mourn and be sad. Grief is a natural part of moving on.

    2- That I know after I’ve had enough of my drama and pain, that I will grow. But only, when I am ready.

    3- That other beautiful things will grow from the ashes of this burnt dream, also.

    4- That we all need to let our emotions out and look at them, in order to heal and move on to the next beautiful development and learning that awaits us.

    This is part of a 9-part series where I am really real, sharing my deepest darkest moments, in the hope that this too will inspire others and strengthen me in our journies. The rest of the series is here, waiting for you to read, watch, and discuss with me. :=)

    Part 1- My Addiction: Consumed by Desire Part 2- My Addiction: Terrifying Truths

    Part 3- My Addiction: Withdrawal Part 4- My Addiction: Getting To Grief

    Part 5- My Addiction: Seeing the Light Part 6- My Addiction: Basking In My Own Light

    Part 7- My Addiction: Ricochets of Pain Part 8- My Addiction: Cleaning The Core

    Have you ever had to face grief and mourning? Was it over a job you knew you were going to get, a big deal about to close, the physical death of someone you loved, or an emotional death that took part of your soul with it? Did you allow yourself that blessed space to suffer? Did you feel alone, or did you find support and comfort?

    ——————————————————————————————————————-

    Gabi is a certified trauma therapist, family communications expert, energy healer, and life coach with a Masters in Psychology. She shares her personal life stories and insights to inspire others to share their honest, neurotic selves and do all that is necessary to Clean Your Soul. She believes that all of us are on our journey from pain to the light, and by staying inspired and aware, we can all reach our fullest, cleanest, most beautiful free selves. Don’t miss a single chance to be inspired. Gabi takes a very limited number of one-on-one clients for transformational parenting, family, life, and trauma therapy. You may reach Gabi directly at gabiklaf@gmail.com.

  • Part 1: My Addiction: Consumed by Desire

    Part of learning is sometimes so very painful. You know that; I know that too. And here I am, in pain, great overwhelming pain, for I have a desire that won’t be met. There is something in my life that I so desperately want, and yet, it will not be. And so, I am shooting a deluge of energy into an allusive dream which creates in me this abyss of misery.

    I am miserable, and in this stage of the game; it sucks. So, I wish to live what I teach, I want to always have the integrity to say “I will do what I tell my clients to do” . And so, I reached that point that I am no longer willing to suffer. I no longer want to continue the drama of suffering in my life, because (frankly) it hurts too much, the cost is too great. In this eight-part series, I share with you the entire journey through desire and how (in such small, baby steps) I pulled myself out of an addiction. When our desires consume us they become addictions- addictions as griping and painful as heavy drug addiction. An addiction that requires a very slow (sometimes excruciating) withdrawal.

    And so, dear friends, here I am, yet again, with my heart on my sleeve. I can’t expect you to be real with me, if I’m not real with you. I can’t expect you to find the courage to face your greatest challenges, if I am unable to model that for you. And surely, I can’t expect you to share/trust/grow and learn with me, if I’m not a breathing/bleeding/sometimes foolish and lost soul too.

    And anyhow, this helps me so much. Sharing, bringing my pain journey, my growth, my learning out to this open discussion; brings me more strength than I can say. No matter what we are going through, friends, no matter what we have done; there is no shame. No shame, no guilt, no self-loathing, no shame, no shame. There is only growth and learning.

    Consumed by Desire-My Addiction- Part 1 is mostly about labeling it correctly, about understanding that what I am doing, that where I am stuck is so very unhealthy. This first step of awareness prepares me for facing what is ahead.

    Do you know what it feels like to be consumed with something just out of your reach? Have you ever felt those desperate thoughts choke you (literally) with a helplessness that drives you mad? What did you do? What did you learn about yourself as you underwent this life-or-death process? Were you able to identify it as the unhealthy addiction that it was? And did that help you breathe?