Category: Overcoming Ourselves

This sucks. This absolutely suck. I’m getting emotionally beaten up to a pulp. I’m feeling tense and uncomfortable in my own home on mildly good days and like a perpetual victim of helplessness and utter despair on bad days. The bedroom and the bathroom offer short havens of respite from what often feels like a never-ending battle field of utter ugliness. The seemingly insignificant misnomer becomes the central stage to heated debates worth the weight of the world in gold. Under-the-belt personal attacks; endless huge dramatic fights over e-v-e-r-y l-i-t-t-l-e t-h-i-n-g; and rudeness, resistance, and grossness to all those pitiful enough to be on the war path. This ride has not been easy and it’s far, far, far from over.

As a highly sensitive person [more about this later], I’m not doing well with this teenage thing. I’m not doing well with fights or crying fits most mornings. I’m not doing well with making every request sixteen times and getting attitude back. I’m drained from the drama in response to “pick up your things spewed all over the living room” or”put your shoes on and walk out the door because we’re late (again) to school”. I’m not doing well with this deep, dark feeling of ‘fuck you! I don’t give a shit!’ because I can’t push and be treated like shit over and over again and keep returning to the ring caring. It. Is. Hard. To. Hug. Thorns. and right now, my rose is all thorns and I’m not doing well with getting scrapped up all the time.

photo credit: sad dog

What I Don’t Want (and they ain’t pretty)

I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to nag. I don’t want to be so viciously repelled. And worse, I don’t want to feel inside of me this repulsion to one whom I most deeply want to love but feel like I just don’t know how to. I don’t want drama. I don’t want to be a police officer nor peace keeper. I don’t want to feel a victim in my own home. I don’t want to admit how often hatred oozes out of me. I don’t want it all so complicated all the time. I don’t want to say the things I’m saying in ugly desperation. I don’t want to throw punishments around like scarves in the wind. I don’t want. I don’t want. I don’t want. (As if with this mantra I’ll click my ruby slippers and it will all go away) And. I. Don’t. Want. To. Walk. On. Eggshells. All. The. Fucking. Time.

What I Do Want (and it’s beautiful)

I want my baby back. I want to cuddle and feel love and love without having to think so hard. I want laughter. I want to dance. I want to share moments and cherish them. I want to admire. I want to want to be near and stay there. I want long talks about good, deep topics and chitter chatter about not much of anything. I want to eat stress-free, breezy meals together. I want to go on walks. To color. To sing. To listen to music. To do the dozen things we used to enjoy doing when things were simpler.

I want to be clear. I want to be wise. I want to zoom out and know that it’s all going to be OK. I want to be strong. I want to feel confident. I want to be calm. I want to know that I’m doing this right. That I’m offering the right balance of limits and freedom and that I’m giving the space, while keeping the right boundaries that will let my child soar to her greatest heights. I want to smile and be smiled at. I want. I want. I want. (Now may this mantra please call in the fairies and make it all come true in 3, 2, 1…)

photo credit: sad daisies

What Also Exists

It’s not all black and white, you know. There are moments of laughter and caring and dancing. There are insights and conversations that challenge and blow my mind by the pure genius behind them. There are long, long, long moments of deep admiration and appreciate for some really tough stuff my child has to go through. There are standing up for me, standing up for a sibling, standing up for some ideal that is utterly beautiful. There is creative expression and true kindness and consideration. There is going out of your way to really help- even without being asked, not even once. There is going within and silence that is full of light and the highest good. There is accepting change with grace and eloquence that is unparalleled. There is wisdom. There is growth. There is development and beauty and goodness. Deep, true, pure, blindly beautiful light.

Now What?

If you’ve felt the ugly stuff, here is your essential guide to getting through it.

1-Guard Your Precious Self

You protect you. You hug you. You separate yourself from your child’s journey. You are not to blame for what you child is going through. You are not solely responsible to make it all right, to fix it, to protect and take all the heat of this turbulent time for your child. No, momma, you. are. not. You surround yourself with love and the insight and wisdom that knows that when you zoom out, everything is going to be OK.

And when those fears surface, and when those voices choke you when they say what they said to me-

“Here is the intersection between getting passed this or falling into serious eating disorders, depression, or suicide”

you stop and realize that your biggest jobs (after protecting, bracing, and loving yourself) is a- finding the competent, support team who can and will guide her through her own darkness and b- create a sane home life with the right ever-delicate balance of limits/boundaries and freedom/independence to keep everyone safe and secure in this time of growth.

2- Re-educate Yourself

Start from scratch. Begin anew. Read books about parenting teens (here’s Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager, Revised and Updated– what I’m reading now and it’s great! ) , find a counselor you trust or a specially-teen parenting expert to guide you. Throw out what you knew and needed and what worked with your child and educate yourself for this new highly emotional, highly tumultuous storm and how to be wise, helpful, and positive throughout it. I’m going back to reading, researching, seeking new levels of understanding and new tools to deal. I am starting at ground zero and learning with tiny, baby steps. I am creating a blank slate that bows in to my utter ignorance and says something poetic like:

“I am an open book, modest and shaken in the wind. My pages are but empty. Please, masters, fill me“.

photo credit: sad flower with dew

3- Understand the Process

Embrace that now your teen needs to go through the healthy and normal separation process from you, the parent, the one whom he was closest to and the one whose identity he most closely has inter-meshed with his own and now, must separate from. Understand that the closer your child was to you, the more you cuddled, the more you talked and shared emotions and life, the more your child held your heart in his little hands and his in yours- the more this baby is gonna hurt. Severing ties that are intertwined by the heart hurts. It’s hard but necessary and something you want to take a step back from and understand that it’s temporary. When all of these internal storms are over, again, yes again, you and your child will be able to be friends again, be affectionate again, love each other without walking on egg shells and guarding yourself from the next irrational attack.

Yes, once this process has run it’s course, you get to, again, finally, enjoy your baby again. A different baby, after the metamorphosis of his personal inferno and the cocoon of himself, he will emerge again, in full color, full brilliance, and full joy, a new being to discover and enjoy and be proud of, as he stands, by his own right, and knows who he is and what his value is.

And it may be a long, long road, but you are wise and patient and can wait for it. You can. So can I.

3- Step Back and Step Away

This does not mean withdraw from your child (which is also necessary when the emotional attacks become too personal and too much). This means understand that your child now has to find his greatest support from outside of the home and your job is to do your damn bestest to be sure that that support is sound, positive, and constructive with your child’s highest and most light-filled interests in mind.

Find a therapist, a counselor, some mentor in school to be there, fully be there (also with payment if you can’t find this support for free) for your child. We watched a school system who had good intentions allow our daughter fall deep, deep within the cracks and wither away into nothingness while it used it’s limited resources to the best possible ends but did not give her the support she needed. No more. Now, we are on it, the free and the by-payment support that we need for our daughter will be pushed, insisted upon, and prioritized until no one will accidentally allow this to go unnoticed.

But step back means “take it out of the home”. Let me explain this and it’s opposite.

photo credit: sad ball

4- Out of the Home

Out of the Home means that people who are not emotionally involved will be able to best help your child and best guide you through this process. When our daughter stayed home for weeks at a time, refusing to go to school, or sat crying in the car for weeks every morning or scream fits in the morning at home; I was alone for those months and could. not. handle. it. I felt utterly alone in witnessing the shrinking of my daughter and sank under the intensity of it all. When I finally got a meeting with the school staff, they empathetically watched me cry, handed me a tissue, and proceeded to share how many dozens of kids they’ve watched skip school/freak out/lose their way/go through painful processes until finding themselves and their way to create a meaningful growth path for themselves.

What you are going through, like what we’ve been going through at home, may seem like the worst, hardest, singular case of home hell on the planet. But, truth be known, it’s not, and not even close. Know, sister and brother, that you are not alone. We felt very, very alone and drowning, alone, clueless and then found out that what was happening in our house was so normal it’s almost textbook, and that, in and of itself, was tremendously helpful. Turns out thousands of teens and their parents go through this growing-up hell and that in the vast majority of the cases, I think, it turns out alright.

Out of the Home also means that your job is to help your child find wonderful ways to build her self-esteem and value outside of the home. In school, after school activities, a youth group, sports, music, any craft, a first babysitting job- anything outside of the home that lets them develop their most awesome selves.

5- In the Home

No matter how responsible outside, no matter how beautiful outside, actually, no matter how things suck out of the house too (which is more of our personal story), life at home will often still be as if you are facing a totally different person, a person, a real person, without the mask on, one who is exhausted and overwhelmed by it all, and, particularly at home, where she feels he can, she will let off the guard and be often lazy, rude, and the worse case of selfish and egotistical. Welcome home.

And yet, it is still our job to figure out how to maneuver wisely and sanely in this home life. How to bring love into it all. How to face the maddening dichotomy between one who is mature and responsible and demanding freedom one second and fighting like a baby over the pettiest things the next. How to keep it all together and how to still connect and find common ground and emerge (still) a family.

I’m still learning and taking itsy-bitsy baby steps here, and will be honored to share with you as we learn. So far the absolute best thing we’ve done is go away as a family. We’re traveling again this summer and being in a big space (friend gave us a home in Latvia), being away from all of those stressors and the hardships of her school reality, being quiet and having time to do nothing in particular but enjoy has brought so much light into our lives.

Just last night things started to get heated and though I wanted to slash back, I held my tongue. She pushed full force into her list of grievances and, too exhausted to get into it, I mumbled, “Yes, I get it” and walked away. She came after me, insisting, arguing, demanding that I understand her side and when I stayed silent, expressionless and listening; it all sort of faded away and dissolved into an unexpected loving moment. You see, she started crying, “Mom, I just wanted you to understand how I feel and you walked away while I was talking. That really hurt my feelings,” and put her head on my shoulder. She wanted a hug, so I, deer-in-the-headlights-numb, hugged her and it was beautiful, so deeply beautiful.

photo credit: tree before storm

And on the harder days, in the home it is still our job to provide a loving environment of support and safety. This may become extremely hard to do as you feel bitter, used, hurt, and disgusted by a child who takes endlessly and gives (barely) begrudgingly. This is hard to do when you have emotionally distanced yourself from this hormonal pulsating energy source of constant conflict and grossness. It is hard to do when all around your teen are being attacked and you just don’t feel love right now. “Love “is far, far away from the list of adjectives you would use to describe your feelings for your child. And still, against all logical evidence, it is precisely love and support that your seemingly ungrateful teen needs most.

So, as much as you are able to, give love, love, love, love in whatever way you can do so. Make food they like, help them out with chores (though you may be fuming that theirs are still undone), buy them something they like, make their bed, say ‘hi’ and smile and hold your tongue with whatever critical comment you are dying to say. Deposit poker chips, like Richard Lavoie says so beautifully in the movie below. [One of the most powerful parenting movies I’ve seen! Highly, highly recommended!]

A huge part of At Home includes be sure that your teen has at home a corner to retreat to where they can have ultimate privacy. Be sure your child has extra privileges that help them feel more mature and more responsible than younger siblings around him. (We won’t get into what to do when he does nothing for that leads to more telling them what to do and more pain and more fights and we’ll save that for another day. It’s yet another confusing part of this no-logic-riddle).

Just remember, the take-home-message is that you want your child to feel the Hall of Fame in the video below and you want to always remember that you can “walk straight through hell with a smile” because you Mom, because you Dad, you’re a champion, and don’t ever forget it!

6- Be Just Right Here

In the Healthy Soul in a Healthy Body class that I taught right before leaving for the Baltics, two of the women in the course had been to a physical therapist who finishes her work by having the patient go from the area to injury and lift an arm high into the air and repeat, “I release and no longer worry,” and let it all go. This has become the living mantra for us in this class- I release and no longer worry- and we use it in relationships, with money, with health, with anything that we would normally put a lot of worry and concern into. And it works like a charm.

I am practicing being here and now and facing what is before me as it unfolds and when it’s done- releasing it. Do I have fears regarding going back next year? Is it possible that next year could be worse than this one? How will my son who can’t sit for more than a minute and has zero motivation to study anything lose himself in middle school too? What will it be like having two, and sometimes three, tweens at the same time? And I see it, observe it, and release it.

Here’s my power prayer, my mantra of sanity, my grounding work (Join me, if it fits for you) :

I am strong. I am powerful. I am able to do this. I am capable of handling whatever life brings me. I will handle it as it comes and only when it comes. I will do the best that I am able to do at any given moment in my life and no more and no less than that. I am able to parent my children, also through their teenage years. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I adore and love my children. I have the support and will find the help and knowledge I need to help each of my children soar to the best of my ability. After that, and after all, it is their journey and their choice what they do in their lives and the daily decisions they make towards who they will become. I release and no longer worry. I release and no longer worry. I release and no longer worry. Amen.

The Ego Buster

I’ve taught parenting classes for years and thought that if there is at least this one thing that I know, it’s parenting. After a Master’s degree, endless additional courses and books on parenting, and helping hundreds (personally, in groups, here online under parenting and at Successful Modern Child); you could call me a highly-intuitive, remarkably successful parenting expert. My ego would squirm with delight for the praise of feeling it’s done good to to so many families and has brought light to the normal darkness of the nights we all walk through in family life. And yet, as I told my children’s’ school principal last week,

I can help mothers say goodbye to their children who have died. I can help women who have gone through childhood rape in the hands of their fathers and his friends. I can help people who actively want to commit suicide. But as soon as my teenager crumbles under the weight of her world and her conclusion is that she has no value; as soon as my kid falls between the cracks and gets stuck inside the darkest crevices and can’t see who he is, I cannot handle it. I cannot. I implode into tiny, tiny emotional shrapnel.

photo credit: sad car

Highly Sensitive Person

It’s an actually categorized condition. Not necessarily DSM (the books psychiatrists use to classify and diagnose psychological disorders) but often written about and with an entire series of excellent Highly Sensitive Person books by Dr. Elaine Aron.

One reviewer of her book, this fascinating man named Stephen Pletko, put it this way:

Answer true or false to these ten statements as they apply to you:

1. I find myself needing to withdraw during busy days to any place where I can have some privacy and relief from stimulation.
2. I am easily overwhelmed by things such as bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens close by.
3. I get rattled when I have a lot to do in a short amount of time.
4. I startle easily.
5. I make it a point to avoid violent movies or TV shows.
6. Changes in my life shake me up.
7. When I must compete or be observed while performing a task, I become so nervous and shaky that I do much worse than I would otherwise.
8. I am very conscientious.
9. When I was a child, my parents or teachers seemed to see me as sensitive or shy.
10. I tend to be very sensitive to pain.

My feelings:

I am a highly sensitive person. Always have been; most likely, always will be. I feel things intensely. Take things intensely. Absorb the negative energy and shit from others intensely. And it sticks. I have many tools (some of which I successfully use) to protect my fragile lovely inner child from the harshness of life, but often, I realize it a bit too late.- from Why Traveling Again with my Family Scares the Shit out of Me

And so, this teenage thing, I take it very, very personally and it is hard for me to distance myself from the pain that those around me are experiencing and throwing off of themselves. I have much to work on and more and more to learn from my journey here on Earth as a parent to these amazing, remarkable, magical, complicated, beautiful children.

Your turn

Speak, or don’t, I feel you. I see you. I feel you. I do. I know that you’ve been here and that maybe, just maybe, you feel an ounce better, an minute calmer, a tad less lonely and a mile more capable. I’m here.

Thanks for letting me share my journey and yours,

Ever growing, ever learning,

Gabi

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One Cool Movie About Gabi’s Parenting Work

Gabi is a certified trauma therapist, family communications expert, energy healer, and life coach with a Masters in Psychology. She shares her personal life stories and insights to inspire others to share their honest, neurotic selves and do all that is necessary to Clean Your Soul. She believes that all of us are on our journey from pain to the light, and by staying inspired and aware, we can all reach our fullest, cleanest, most beautiful free selves. Gabi takes a very limited number of one-on-one clients for transformational parenting, family, life, and trauma therapy. You may reach Gabi directly at gabiklaf@gmail.com, subject line: coaching inquiry.

Damn him! Damn him! Damn him! It’s my family travel blog! It”s my writing people are drawn to. My humor, my honesty, my really unique angle that draws people to our nomadic family travel blog site. It’s me, me, me. And just yesterday, we got over 100 (I’m serious) likes and comments on a version of this photo of how cute we are as a couple of 18 1/2 years, still so in love. (Whatever!) And just today, I taught a Clean Your Soul Class about how the ego gets in the way and causes us to lose our way to spirituality cuz we’re so wrapped up in ourselves. (“Hi, class. I am the perfect example of what not to do!”) So, now, now, now, he has to go and piss me off and tear into something that is so personally meaningful to me? Now, when I feel like the biggest hypocrite for a- ‘look-what-a-great-couple-we-are‘ and for b- ‘our-ego-separates-us-from-reaching-the-light‘ and mine is freaking out. Blah, blah, blah.

So, let’s look at why I’m soooo mad at my spouse, why I just can’t let go, and how, unless I want my ego to continue running the show, I need to make a change. (Oh, and how the very last insight shocked me.)

Why I’m Sooooo Mad

He’s taking my baby, how I express myself, how I connect with the world and reflect myself; and putting up articles that are dry, bland, lame, and boring. And if he would just express himself as he is- funny, crazy, full of light, waaay out there hysterically energetic and unpredictable; it would be great. But he’s not. He’s verbally graffiti-ing my stage to the world. And when I dare say, “Where are those awesome photos that add so much life to your post?” ;I don’t like his answer. And when I say, “Where is Kobi- full of light and spirit in your writing? “; I get attitude and blow ups. Ugh. Men.

Well, the only thing that fits here, is this:

YES! duh!

(Sex?… be patient!)

Why I Can’t Let Go

(You can officially skip this section and go straight to “Crawling Up the Walls.” One word summary would be : rant. Want to witness my temper tantrum, read on).

Cuz I’ve spent two years building my audience, creating this blog, making it what it is.

Cuz numbers are going down as loyal readers are finding material that is bland, and are not coming back.

Cuz it’s my baby and I really don’t want you to touch it.

Cuz I’ve started writing full time here (at gabiklaf.com/) , and almost zero there, as I feel it’s no longer mine.

Cuz I love that blog and I love that it is my place to share what I feel and think and experience.

Cuz every time we talk business, things get ugly between us.

Cuz I don’t think I have to fight for something that until a 6 weeks ago was 100% mine.

Cuz I want things to go back to where they were before- I write, and you take care of biz side of things.

Cuz It’s mine and I feel like having a temper tantrum over it.

(No, no sex yet. We build up to these things.)

Crawling Up the Walls

So, I’m pacing the room, crawling the walls, desiring some chocolate, even more pissed at him for going to the bar for a drink instead of taking me to get something sweet. So, now I’m blaming him for heaps of things and continuing to build this list in my head of why I’m right and he’s wrong, and what evidence I have that proves the injustices thrown upon me. I’ve made a cup of nauseatingly-sweet coffee and have seriously considered wolfing down the only thing I can find- that super-old can of re-fried beans. All sorts of things are coming up. I’m feeling desperate, restless; like a caged animal. If I can only stop my flipping from Facebook to YouTube as a distraction; my rummaging for anything to shove into my mouth to fill my aches; my soul screaming ‘I’m the victim! I am right and you are doing me so wrong!” to avoid my own pain. If I can stop the noise, all of it; I know I’ve got great things to discover.

My Necklace from Dell

And I’m flipping through the shelves searching for salty, sweet, salty, sweet. And I know what I’m about to do. This is one of the six consciousnesses that leads to desire. This is me making a Mental Contact of Pain, that has lead to Painful Feelings, and Suffering; and unable to deal with it, me running to food to shut it up. And of course, right as I feel like I can start getting this out, my computer freezes. Everything locks up- WordPress, the internet; even Word crashed a minute ago. God, my energy is that strong; it’s gotta go somewhere, right?

So, I get up again, to continue my fierce search for something ridiculously unhealthy to eat. An obvious form of self-punishment. I come across Dell’s necklace. Oh, Dell and her necklace. Damn Dell. Does she have to get in the way right now? Does she have to come so uninvited to this here and now?

Dell was in my Clean Your Soul Class in Boquete, Panama waaay back in August 2011. Dell was that student you’re not so sure you want in your class, because you have the sneaking suspicion she knows more than you do. Dell walked in with ego and pushed a lot of my buttons. Dell also, in that first lecture, shared with the group that she thought she knew it all and didn’t need my class, but found out that ‘somewhere between humility and arrogance’ (a video) there is much to learn. Dell also wore this lovely silver bracelet with the Chinese word “love” on it to class one day. She came to me (I think it was in month two of our intense 5 hours a week classes), and said, “Here, I haven’t worn this since I bought it and I feel it needs a good home. It belongs with someone special,” so here,” as she gently put it around my neck.

So, Damn Dell too! I’m trying to abuse myself and avoid my pain; I’m looking for fire to fuel my fires of righteousness, and here waltzes in Dell and her necklace. That is what I found when I looked for darker things: Love, and all that Dell taught to me, and means to me.

(Sex. Ever heard of foreplay? Good things come to those who wait.)

How Does Love Fit Into This, Dell?

So, I sit here on the bed, no longer searching for food, no longer wanting to be right; playing with the necklace now resting on my left knee. I pick it up, hold it in my hand. I feel it’s delicate, metallic coldness against my fingers; I smell dry salty nothingness; I listen to the soft clink when it pit pats from hand to hand. I am with the necklace. If I play with it, I can focus, I can be here and now, I can see things vepasana, “as they really are”.

“What does love mean? What does love say?” I’m asking Dell energetically, even though she is fourteen time zones behind me, and we haven’t spoken in ages. “What does love mean?”

What Now- Using the Tools When It Hurts

I realize that slowly, slowly, without me even noticing I’m between a rock and a hard place. This is not where I want to be, at all. I don’t want to fight over ‘the blog’ or money. I don’t want to put my pride above my love.

I want to cry, but not out of sadness. Out of knowing that I know a way full of light, full of love; and surrendering my ego to that which is Higher, and Truer will let me find what I desire.

Four things guide me here:

1- A Quiet Mind

The Thai monk Ajahn Chah was famous for his forest tradition teaching. In the forest tradition meditations, Ajahn Chah taught us that in order to find ourselves, we should find solitude under a tree of the forest, and sit there. This is what he said:

The Dhamma [the way to enlightenment] is revealing itself in every moment, but only when the mind is quiet can we understand what it is saying, for the Dhamma [the way] teaches without words

And so, I’ve played with the necklace. I‘ve reached that silence. I can hear now.

2- Right Speech

The third of the Eight Fold Path is Right Speech. Right Speech teaches us how to use our words to bring light to others. In the Abbaya Sutta, Budda teaches us to not speak unless we are sure our words are true, beneficial, affectionate, with good intention, and in season (delivered at the right time).

Looking over what I said to Kobi an hour ago, they were none of the above. Shit!

a-I don’t know if numbers went down since I stopped writing for the blog. I guess that, but I don’t know. I don’t know most of the things that I accused him of.

b-I know it was not beneficial to criticize someone who has worked hard and did his best.

c-I know, I know, I know my words were not kind, affectionate, pleasant to his ears.

d-I know my intentions were not to find solutions and do good, but to vent anger, frustration, a lack of control, and my feeling victimized.

e-And, last but not least, I know my timing could not be worse. He just joyfully said, “Hey! Come look!” and wanted to be praised; not cut to pieces. He’s tired, he’s had a long day. I could have waited for tomorrow.

Conclusion: Reckon I should-a shut up.

3- Appreciation vs Ego

Buddhism teaches us that there are very clear reasons why we suffer. Buddha, good man, organizes it into ten “issues” we face that keep us from enlightenment. He calls them fetters. The first of the Ten Fetters of the Mind is Sakkaya-Ditthi or ”Personality Belief.”

In the shortest possible terms, Sakkaya-Ditthi (personality belief) is our ego getting in the way. Yes.

I need to shut up now. I’ll go crawl into my little hole. My ego is making me think that I am better than him, that I write better than him, that people like me better than him, that I know better than him, and the list goes on.

Like an arrogant blow fish, my ego has expanded beyond the space I am entitled to take in this little world. My ego has blinded me from recalling why I write so well, how I got my soul cleaned, how I learned so much about spirituality and modesty and humor- because of him. Because he spent the first ten years of our relationship holding me while I cried. Because he carried me when I was weak. Because he adored me when I couldn’t stand myself. Because of him, I am what and who I am today. And as soon as my ego swells up, I lose the wisdom to see that, to see that the only thing I owe my husband is gratitude and humility, and a back rub.

4- Really Good Sex

(Ahh. You waited!)

Sex? Didn’t expect that one, did you? Neither did I.

He walks back in as I’m writing this article.

I say, “I’m sorry.” I’ve found love and lost the ego, and here, sorry works.

“I’m not even upset at you. At all.” he smiles.

I push aside the laptop and all the wires on the bed, and smile. He jumps on top of me, and we kiss like we haven’t kissed in a long time; which leads up really good sex that we both deserve to have in our lives. Why?

Because he’s my man, I’m his woman, and I”m learning all the time.

Good night.

Comments (20)

Wendy
August 31, 2012 at 1:38 am | #
Hiya Gabi
I have not noticed that you stopped writing the blog. I read, learn, visualise with all the blogs I read – and I am not looking for anything except the taste of another’s experiences. I can learn a lot from this one – in my attitude to others in my life, especially those close to me. You are human and it is great that you share your failings as well as your talents. You and Kobi are like yin/yang – you fit!!!
Sending love xx
Reply

Gabi
September 1, 2012 at 12:58 pm | #
wendy, you are a doll. yeah, we’ve meshed, mixed, and scrambled things, and i’m thrilled you are finding the inspiration you always loved in the nomadic family blog. i am learning a lot too, in my attitude towards those i love the most. i love sharing with you wendy, you always hold my hand, and tell me how wonderful it is to be who i am, all those sides of me. ying yang- yes, we are! thank you love. gabi
Reply

Mary
September 1, 2012 at 11:28 am | #
Why not start him a blog, then you guys can each have a voice, like the nomadic dad:) It could increase your revenue as well:)
Reply

Gabi
September 1, 2012 at 12:39 pm | #
Great solution Mary! Thank you! I’ll tell Kobi. He may just love that idea! Truly! Kisses to you, and thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts in a comment. Gabi
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Lainie Liberti
September 1, 2012 at 12:29 pm | #
Sweet Gabi. Have you considered you have become addicted to your own drama? I saw this with the kindest voice as I know you & your struggles deeply. Look at the big picture, look at the pattern. Different persons, situations, but all equaling your inner drama. Something to look at anyway.
New mantra: I share, I collaborate, I expand, and I don’t believe the ridiculous thoughts that come visit my head from time to time….
Good luck!
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Gabi
September 1, 2012 at 12:49 pm | #
Lainie, oh Lainie. Thank you for caring. Thank you for telling me again about my addiction to drama, which I have thought about and written about a great deal since you’ve told me that. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind (or soul) that you speak with wisdom, and that that is part of my learning journey, to stop my addiction to the drama. At the same time, when I zoom out of my life, and witness myself, I see huge leaps and bounds, gargantuan advancement and development. My soul’s learning will take the learning curve it lovingly requires, maybe for the rest of my life. Fighting with my husband of 18+ years (or with another human being) is a normal, healthy, natural part of intimate relationships. This is just sharing the normal things that happen in any family. Thank you for loving me, in your own beautiful, spiritual ways. I have learned much from your mantra, and you.
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Paz
September 1, 2012 at 12:45 pm | #
I think our husbands should get together to vent. lol The sad part is that my husband also says the same thing “I’m not mad at you”. For some reason the idea of him being upset is better than him NOT being upset, because it makes me feel like an even bigger ass!!
Love your post and we are currently launching a business and struggling with money and not having enough sex. hahaha
Your post has taught me many things that I need to focus on. I especially love Right Speech. Hmmmm not sure if any of my words have been that in the last month, even though I am not making any income for us any longer and he continues to keep us afloat. My ego I guess. Thanks for pointing it out to me and making me step back and regain my clarity and my priorities.
Thanks!! I’ll let you know when we get to the sex part.
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Gabi
September 4, 2012 at 4:48 pm | #
paz. what a charmer you are. what a dear for writing and sharing. i love this part. where souls talk, laugh, say, ‘yeah, i feel like an ass too!’. i so believe that that is what it’s all about. gaining new information and finding inspiration/partners who walk the path towards enlightenment, with us. i love that so much. pretty dangerous if we let them guys share, no?
i know how much stress money and couplehood get. i think any couple who has ever tried to make it, gets it. i’m so glad your ego, and mine, got a reminder of where we belong- in utter gratitude to these great men who keep us afloat (and don’t really demand that much back in return- mostly appreciation).
can’t wait to hear about the amazing sex part. cuz he’s your man, and you’ve got a lot of learning to do, too. hugs to you paz, gabi
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Karen
September 1, 2012 at 1:45 pm | #
Beautiful.
Sometimes the journey is as important as the knowledge you gain.
(And it makes the sex better too.)
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Gabi
September 4, 2012 at 4:42 pm | #
hey you. still there, guiding me, loving me. your ‘beautiful’ is priceless. i believe, dear karen, that i could gain this knowledge because of the journey, all the tangents of it, and makes better sex too. i’m quite sure i’ve created some great fights with the full intention of wanting to create sex (shame, i’m going to hell) but yes. here, it was a pleasant unexpected side effect. i love sharing my journey with you. so. much. gabi
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Yael
September 1, 2012 at 7:51 pm | #
Don’t have a partner to yell at and then have great sex with (not yet) – but I really enjoy your process, your creativity and the love and authenticity that oozes out…hugs from me in your homeland
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Gabi
September 4, 2012 at 4:40 pm | #
yael, how lovely to see your smiling face here, and to hear your words. you’ll find a great guy, when it’s right, and you will have glorious fights with him, and glorious sex with him. i’ll be cheering you on every step of the way love. thank you for reading my process. you are so wise in processes, in seeing the desire for peace and compassion at the end of the conflict, and i value you seeing my creativity, love and authenticity. all there, and all observable to you, because you live in those terms constantly, and can identify them with love. hug the homeland back. i miss her. and her people.
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yael
September 5, 2012 at 5:51 am | #
Hey Gabi
Much love to you from me in the homeland! Thanks for the encouragement, it’s warmed my heart first thing in the morning…
In anticipation to reading more from you..
Love
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Gabi
September 6, 2012 at 5:28 pm | #
awww yael. i know that i warmed your heart is so heart-warming for me. such an honor. such joy. much more coming and so excited to know that you and i get to discuss these things. these are the types of real conversations (real- online real) i love. and one day, we’ll sit face to face in the holy land, and have so much to talk about. gabi

This picture below is of me and my dad. The picture was taken almost a year ago in Boquete, Pamana. Then, we got to see him quite a lot. Since January 1998, I’ve seen my father once every few years. It’s hard not being around my family; well, no that’s not true, I lied. It’s infinitely easier than being around them. To be honest, I planned it that way. I had so much to sift through, so many layers and layers of wounded identity to unscramble, that living far from my family was my solution. It gave me the distance to clean my soul, to free up trapped pain, to reflect on truths that I carried from childhood that no longer served me, and to learn to be a new me. Being far away (exact-other-side-of-the-globe far away) was very safe for me. It created a super-thick padding within which I could incubate and heal.

I used to blame my parents for everything. I had lists and lists of reasons why they ruined my life. Maybe you do too. I don’t blame them for anything, now. That took oh so many hours of therapy. I know, I know, I know that my mom and my dad did the very best job that they could in life and in raising three kids. Today, I can only thank them for being so brave, determined, and dedicated in dodging all that life threw at them. Tons of therapy; a world of therapy to be able to say that. (I guess my kids will need it to, right?)

This post was written while with my father in Panama. I was shocked, at the time, to know that my soul still harbored so much pain deep within. And here, it all shoots out.

Daddy’s Little Girl

I was. I used to follow him around from room to room. He’d mow the lawn, I’d pick the daffodils a few steps behind; he’d fix something on his work bench, I was there elbows on the table asking endless questions; he’d watch his late night movie, I was hiding around the corner watching movies I shouldn’t have. It’s a bittersweet adoring love that we daddy girls feel for our Superdads. And, of course, daddy’s little girls fall hard when they realize that their daddy’s aren’t the heroes they thought they were.

Well, I kept in amazing relations with my dad for years and years after I stopped following him around like a lost puppy. He was my guidepost, my adviser, my Daddy. Kobi and I actually lived with him; and then down the street from him for a few years. It was beautiful. Kobi and my father got along really well; he was helpful, joyous, and caring in every way. He was involved in my life and again, did the best he could to deal with whatever life brought him. And then he moved to Panama.

And so, I grew up, got married, and forged my own life; very independent and detached from my father. Not for any good reason other than that it just worked out that way. When you live in Israel and your dad lives in Panama, and you’re not so hot in the keeping-up-with-people department; time just sort of does her thing. And then, at the age of 36 and a half, my family and I embark on an open-ended round-the-world nomadic family adventure and land smack dab in the middle of his Panamanian telanovela (soap opera).
We had spent two months in Houston for I required that much time to work through unresolved childhood issues with my mother. (We had planned on staying two weeks. ) As I told an old high school friend, “It’s like being a kid again, only this time, it’s nice.” My mom and I had always walked on shaky, landmine-filled grounds and so, though unexpected, it made sense that part of our journey would be dedicated to me working through issues that had haunted me for life. Those, I knew about.

But, with my father, I knew nothing. I only remembered good stuff, loving things; and suddenly, I find myself in his living room and in his car, fuming. He’d done nothing in particular, and I’m furious. Out of nowhere storms from within me a volcano of very strong, painful emotions and memories. Memories of lies, of being pushed away, of being manipulated against my mother, so that he would have a friend on his side. Memories of self-defeating adages being repeated so often they became part of my truth. Memories of divorce, and picking sides, and feeling sorry for himself, and dragging me into that pitiful story and dark, dark pit. Memories that suddenly had a place and time and consequence.

Now, understand, my dad is a dear. He’s walking around being a kind host and sweet grandfather; and I’m silently, twisting and turning in the agony of my own internal inferno. All of these traits and fears in me that have limited and hijacked my happiness endlessly, come out in bright, crystal-clear spotlight. Suddenly, I hear him talk or explain something on his mind, and I know. I know, for the first time in my life, the source of so much of my personal misery.

As all children do, I had adopted the most blatantly dominant positive and negative traits my parents had. And now, now, I could understand where it had come from and to what extent it had handicapped my freedom and toxically impacted who I had become.

Turns out my voyage around the world goes much deeper inside, than out. This journey thus far has revealed to me, as much about who I am on the inside (and who I want to continue to become on the inside) as it has about what the world looks, tastes, and feels like on the outside. I find myself here, yet again, healing my wounds and cleaning my soul, like I did at my mom’s house a few short months ago. I am facing gremlins I didn’t even know I had in hidden in deep, deep closets.

Unlike in Costa Rica where I was genuinely touched and amazed each day, I have not pinched myself even once saying, ‘Oh My God! I am in Panama!” I’ve had too much sorting out, healing, and cleaning to do from my childhood past. As my initial shock abates, my internal turbulence turns to hard-core soul scrubbing. It’s taking up my energy and preventing me from seeing Panama. That’s ok, I’ve got time to see it all. And maybe, with untainted glasses clean from childhood baggage, maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to see Panama, the rest of the world we meet, and my father in their full prism of miraculous color.

And….

Thanks for letting me share. You know, all this time later and I still feel my chest tighten. I harbor more unresolved pain. I bow to this invitation to clean my soul; and yet, I know, right now, that I’m not accepting that invitation. Not now, not now.

It’s important that we talk about these things. It’s important that we bring to light all the issues that still bring darkness to our souls. I”m happy to hear what yours are.

Gabi

PS: I’d be honored to have you join me on my new inspirational facebook page.

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Comments (5)

Linda @EcoTraveller
August 27, 2012 at 12:43 pm | #
Gabi, you have such a wonderful way with words, I read every one.
So very personal… brave of you to let go of it all and share. Hope you find resolve within at the end of all your soul-searching
And, happy travels!
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Gabi
August 27, 2012 at 5:13 pm | #
thank you linda. thank you. oh, and so nice to meet you. how did you find me here at gabikaf.com? i love knowing that tidbit. every time it excites me anew how the Universe brings us together with beautiful souls ready to learn from each other. i’m touched that you like my ‘way with words’. that is one of the nicest compliments for me. thank you. i share a lot, i think it cleans my soul and makes others connect to me, and be real, and hopefully, clean their souls too. yeah, we all have a journey. thank you. happy travels to you as well….
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Amalia
August 27, 2012 at 4:15 pm | #
Part of growing up is realizing that our parents are just human beings who make mistakes. We need to forgive them, knowing that we forgive ourselves for being so much like them, and do our very best to cherish the good that we inherited from them and work on the things we don’t like.
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Gabi
August 27, 2012 at 5:08 pm | #
thank you amalia. thank you. for being here, for following us. for always saying the right thing. (for doing the 8-minute abs!) your words ring true, so true. abe lincoln said that we become prisoners of our anger,and can only free ourselves from that prison through forgiveness. cheers to that long journey. and hugs to you and david, gabi
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