Compulsive Eating, Emotional Avoidance, and ADHD- How My Cookie Crumbles

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Addiction and Obsession, Energy, Light, & Self-Healing, Healthy Weight Loss & Lifestyle, Overcoming Ourselves, Uncategorized

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So, last night I went to bed pregnant and bloated like a tightly stretched animal hive over an overblown balloon. I did this to myself. Again. I hated myself. Again. I ate that peach cuz fruit is good for you, and then those edamame seeds with the lemon and sea salt cuz that’s healthy too, and then some chocolate-covered raisins cuz my son put them in the grocery cart and why not, and then some salmon with the garlic and lemon and olive oil; and then some watermelon cuz that’s practically like drinking water, and then there was some of this and that left on the counter and we wouldn’t want to throw that away, and then in the fridge there was that almost-empty tubberware taking needed space so we’ll just finish that off; and, you know, those potatoes were really good hot and I wonder how they’d be cold, and oh-I’d-better-eat-my-last-thing-for-the-night-cuz-it’s-getting-late, but then two hours later my son and his friend have made this deep-fried-something-awful crap but they are sitting there laughing and talking so cutely and I want to be part of that energy, and well… Here we are.

I know now. I know this gremlin. I see it happening, stuck on repeat, like a train wreck in slow motion, and I keep recreating this undesired reality. This time my daughter is really pissing me off and that time I’m overwhelmed with all that I have to do; this time I just have the munchies and that other time there was this sensation in my abdominal region and I thought the translation may just be hunger so just to be sure, you know, I’ll go eat.  And I keep telling myself stories and reasoning my way through this poorly written script, cast in an undesirable role in a play I never signed up for. Here we are.

How to Parent Out of Control Teens- Vibrations of Pain- The Journey Begins

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Enlightened Learning, Overcoming Ourselves, Parenting and Family Relations

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“My 16 year old called me a slut. What am I supposed to do with that?”

“I’m a single mom . I’m scared of my teenage son’s rage. I don’t know what to do.”

“It’s constant tension in my house. You can’t live under shit all the time.”

Our kids were once young and small and then, one day it seems, we wake up to this sometimes-monster, this unappreciative, egotistical, rude, complaining parasite living in my home. And I look at this teenage person and I’m clueless how the hell this happened. Where I went wrong. What to do now. Overwhelmed. Frustrated. Seething mad. Hurt. Guilty.

I want a phenomenal relationship with this budding young adult. I want to admire him, encourage him, enjoy his company, share my life with him but it always seems to go deep south. It a matter of seconds, we hit pure insanity. An innoculous  ‘good morning” could be the impromptus for World War Three. It’s unpredictable, usually ugly, and so exhausting.

So, the chit chatting stopped. Heads were nodding. Little grunts and laughs of agreement. We were firing on the exact same frequency and rode that wave of electricity regally. They were totally mine. I knew it; they knew it; the staff knew it. We were going to engage in this journey and face all the unspoken hopelessness they were clueless about. We had already begun this quest for answers. And not lacy, nicey ones; but real, raw, now kind of answers. The kind of answers that catapult you from frustration and insanity to gloriousness.

And I Was Here- Rebirthing Myself

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Energy, Light, & Self-Healing, Overcoming Ourselves, Parenting and Family Relations, Who Is Gabi Klaf?

 

Green Leaf Plant on Brown Wooden Stump

And so it is, sometimes, or maybe all the time but we just don’t fully realize it… You’re this leaf, vibrant, swaying in the breeze, feeling so alive and lush and moist…. and then you fall, it all does, all at once, and you find yourself in a labyrinth of dryness, death, decay, and darkness. And as you lay there, with all the wind knocked out of you still trying to understand where alive went, you learn. You learn that this is also beautiful. You learn that this is also growth. You learn that this will catapult you on your spiritual journey much more than peace and serenity did. And so you breathe into this, too, and find out how this too can be alive, in different shades and from different directions than you planned but all the same, alive.

And so I’m going through all the lovely and gross, gently high and sharply low, and beautiful shades of being a mom, loving myself, and finding my way. It’s truly exquisite.

And Then There Were Five- How Quietly Lovely Those Moments Can Be

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Enlightened Learning, Overcoming Ourselves

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Three are in the shower, three in the pool, and one’s gone home. She [again] didn’t feel comfortable with the sexually-infused banter of normal hormone-pulsing teen talk and the touchy-feely pushing-the-limits of truth or dare. And now, (I’m laughing as I type), they are all in the shower. Five girls, two guys, all in their bathing suits, a throbbing mass of laughter and hands shampooing someone else’s hair. I sip my lemon water, chew of this bowl of mixed dried fruits and nuts, and feel so unalarmed by my daughter’s budding sexuality and the openness of her relationships (I love her friends!) but got extremely unnerved by my now-teenage son watching some cartoon of two police men beating a baby and the mother to death and laughing.

How To Live with a Teenage Who Hates You- A Mother’s Tale

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Overcoming Ourselves, Parenting and Family Relations

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This sucks. This absolutely suck. I’m getting emotionally beaten up to a pulp. I’m feeling tense and uncomfortable in my own home on mildly good days and like a perpetual victim of helplessness and utter despair on bad days. The bedroom and the bathroom offer short havens of respite from what often feels like a never-ending battle field of utter ugliness. The seemingly insignificant misnomer becomes the central stage to heated debates worth the weight of the world in gold.  Under-the-belt personal attacks; endless huge dramatic fights over e-v-e-r-y  l-i-t-t-l-e t-h-i-n-g; and rudeness, resistance, and grossness to all those pitiful enough to be on the war path. This ride has not been easy and it’s far, far, far from over.

As a highly sensitive person [more about this later], I’m not doing well with this teenage thing. I’m not doing well with fights or crying fits most mornings. I’m not doing well with making every request sixteen times and getting attitude back. I’m drained from the drama in response to “pick up your things spewed all over the living room” or”put your shoes on and walk out the door because we’re late (again) to school”. I’m not doing well with this deep, dark feeling of ‘fuck you! I don’t give a shit!’ because I can’t push and be treated like shit over and over again and keep returning to the ring caring. It. Is. Hard. To. Hug. Thorns. and right now, my rose is all thorns and I’m not doing well with getting scrapped up all the time.

I Have Already Arrived- Seeing Butterflies & The Core Essence of What Is

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Chronic Pain and Living Pain-Free, Energy, Light, & Self-Healing, Enlightened Learning, Healthy Weight Loss & Lifestyle, Inspiration and Appreciation, Overcoming Ourselves, Who Is Gabi Klaf?

gabi klaf, health and wellness coach, healthy lifestyle coach, family therapsy, mom blog, healthy weight loss for busy moms and dads, inspiration, energy healing, parenting, mindful parenting, clean your soul, inspiration for life,addiction and obsession, chronic pain, i've already arrived, seeing the butterflies

Butterflies dance and play before me. They flit and flutter and flirt with my soul. They always have, they always do. Sometimes, I just don’t see them. I’m a good student here on Earth School. I’ve failed several times and keep coming back to learn, EVER SO SLOWLY, my blessed lessons. I’ve been missing the butterflies cuz I keep going off somewhere else. Emotionally that is. Physically I’m very much in the room with you, or my kids, or my husband; but, emotionally I’m off far, far away in the past, the present, or in rejecting What Is.

I’ve long stopped believing that this product or that one would make me happy. I’ve long stopped holding my breath for this amount of money or fame to make me truly satisfied. I’ve graduated at least to grade three or four now. I’m currently figuring out that this course, this guru, this healing method, and that relationship won’t fix me. I still think people will make me whole and I’m desperately holding onto the idea that this exercise/diet/method will bring me a body that will be so damn sexy I won’t find any fault with it.

And now, I’m getting it. So many angels later, so many holograms smacking me upside the face later and I’m slowly getting it that I’VE ARRIVED ALREADY!

Chronic Pain and Body Malfunction- The Impossibility of Doing Nothing- Part Six

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Addiction and Obsession, Energy, Light, & Self-Healing, Enlightened Learning, Healthy Weight Loss & Lifestyle, Overcoming Ourselves, Who Is Gabi Klaf?

gabi klaf, health and wellness coach, healthy lifestyle coach, family therapsy, mom blog, healthy weight loss for busy moms and dads, inspiration, energy healing, parenting, mindful parenting, clean your soul, inspiration for life,addiction and obsession,

THE IMPOSSIBILITY OF DOING NOTHING: That’s what’s so hard here. Not only do I feel totally frustrated. You may as well put me in diapers now. It’s maddening to be constantly correcting yourself over things that you never, ever even gave thought to. And it’s stuff in your face all day long. Remember, I cannot sit, stand, walk, or pick up things correctly. That’s a shitload of correctiveness for one person. And then- the exercises.

A- They are not exercises that I can do and check off my to do list. They are a way of life. Well damn, that’s never getting checked off is it?

B- It’s not Eye of the Tiger go do it! Be strong! Conquer. That’s what got me into a lot of this mess, or exasperated it times 300. My way to get over my addiction was to run, work out, push myself, tone up like a madman. And I was.

Chronic Pain and Body Malfunction- Overwhelm After The Confidence Wanes- Part Five

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Energy, Light, & Self-Healing, Overcoming Ourselves, Who Is Gabi Klaf?

gabi klaf, health and wellness coach, healthy lifestyle coach, family therapsy, mom blog, healthy weight loss for busy moms and dads, inspiration, energy healing, parenting, mindful parenting, clean your soul, inspiration for life,addiction and obsession, chronic pain

I cannot straighten my body. I am locked, like a pretzel down, hunched, worse than what the cane-walking-elderly-lady-looks-like-in-an-old-movie hunched. I cannot stand. I have just watched an hour and a half movie. This happens whenever I sit for too long. I get trapped in my own tension. My body is chronically tight, wound up so taunt that it cannot even begin to imagine how to breathe it out. I was so empowered, so determined that I can do this, because I can. I can do anything. I got over the unspeakable abyss of insane desire, I will not give up in holding at bay this untamable beast, and I even lost 30 pounds. I can do anything. Anything. Anything, even at the cost of pissing off friends. At all costs, I can. Always.

And so, I was that excited, that woo-hoo-ing my journey, and like it came on so euphorically positive, it crashes that realistically negative. Can I do this?

Chronic Pain and Body Dysfunction- Falling Apart, Relearning & What Happens When you Mess With the Psoas- Part 4

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Chronic Pain and Living Pain-Free, Energy, Light, & Self-Healing, Overcoming Ourselves

gabi klaf, health and wellness coach, healthy lifestyle coach, family therapsy, mom blog, healthy weight loss for busy moms and dads, inspiration, energy healing, parenting, mindful parenting, clean your soul, inspiration for life,addiction and obsession, chronic pain

This is not fun. And I was naive to think it would be fun. I thought it would be some more of my beloved Eye of the Tiger, hear me roar because I am that powerful kind of stuff. It’s not. It’s a slow, maddening being that feels like you are not doing anything. So, I have been doing a lot.

I’ve spent 3-6 hours a day relaxing my psoas and hearing an ocean of things drown me, crash me in waves that tore me to pieces. Who would think that meditating would leave me broken? I knew this from Vippasana, and thought, somehow that it would be different here. So, a couple of videos for you. They say it better than I ever could.

Falling Apart: The Storm of Emotions and Worthlessness That Pours Out When You Touch What was So Deeply Buried

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Relearning: The Challenge of Relearning how to Sit, Stand, Lean Over, and Walk

Chronic Pain and Body Malfunction- What The Hell Do I Do With Myself- Part 3

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Chronic Pain and Living Pain-Free, Healthy Weight Loss & Lifestyle, Overcoming Ourselves, Who Is Gabi Klaf?

gabi klaf, health and wellness coach, healthy lifestyle coach, family therapsy, mom blog, healthy weight loss for busy moms and dads, inspiration, energy healing, parenting, mindful parenting, clean your soul, inspiration for life,addiction and obsession, chronic pain

Slowly it’s seeping in how bad things are in my body, how off my entire body is. Maybe a reflection of my soul-state, maybe an expression of emotional unresolved issues I’m still carrying around, and/or maybe just evidence of not using my body-machine correctly.

It’s not pretty but so it is. And it’s totally bashing in my ego and all the “I Am Healthy” messages I thought I was. And I was, I was, and I am but this is something deeper, a different section of being blind to my own healthy development. And here is another video of my trying to figure out What The Hell Do I Do With Myself.