When You Want To Kill Your Child, But You’re Too Busy Being Grateful

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Enlightened Learning, Overcoming Ourselves, Parenting and Family Relations

gabi klaf, health and wellness coach, healthy lifestyle coach, family therapsy, mom blog, healthy weight loss for busy moms and dads, inspiration, energy healing

Child is pushing on every single button I have. Complaining, talking back, whining, “Why did she get that and I didn’t,” and “It’s not fair,” and pre-hormonal outbreaks of “I hate you!” slamming doors and dramatic crying fits. And I’m out of breath. Literally. I. Cannot.Breathe. I simple cannot.

My heart it pounding into my throat as I debate which would bring me more immediate joy- violently attacking child or eating fifteen snickers bars. Both I consider both an inch more than slightly irrational, though in my current state of mind it’s not blazingly clear to me which would be worse. It should be. My mind knows. So does my heart. But these buttons, these neurons of painful unresolved issues firing like hot flashed dog-in-heat, they don’t speak the language I’ve trained myself to adhere to. They don’t get anicca, and light and energy healing. They don’t speak that tongue.

How Do I Stay Happy? Soul Swinging In The Night Rain

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Buddhism, Enlightened Learning, Overcoming Ourselves, Who Is Gabi Klaf?

 

gabi klaf, health and wellness coach, healthy lifestyle coach, family therapsy, mom blog, healthy weight loss for busy moms and dads, inspiration, energy healing

It tickled and danced around us. Not like the day rain. She was hell. She was too strong, too stingy, and overbearing. She was confused, stuck, searching and not finding. And I saw all these other people watching the day rain too. The doorway guy, the booth one, and that old man on the stool. Did they see what I did? Were they also hoping the rain would wash away something it did not? Or maybe it’s just a reflection of who I was with my face mashed against that faded wooden frame, pushing forward to feel her spray. Why am I always seeking that, that just-out-of-reach thing, that which will make me deeply happy and calm?

What am I lacking right here and now? I’m traveling the world, have no health, money, or relationship problems (besides the one I create in my mind for my own dramatic enjoyment). I do what I want, when I want. I’ve three unbelievable kids and the greatest gift in this Universe husband, and still, I gaze at the rain and feel a desperate emptiness gnawing in a silent whisper of desire.

I Was Almost Raped Tonight Running Alone At The Beach

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Overcoming Ourselves

And I’ve heard two rape stories in Sihanoukville, one a girl, alone, and one a young man, strong and in shape, but I guess if you’re jumped by five guys it doesn’t really matter if you’re in shape. Rape happens everywhere, so it’s not like where I am is more dangerous than any other place where you should not go jogging alone in the dark. And still, here I am alone, until the four guys ran after me….

Being raped was always one of my big fears. I want to say that it’s an irrational fear, unfounded on any reality or past experience of sexual abuse, but I just can’t say that. I don’t recall anything, nothing at all and I have no logical reason to think I was raped, but in therapy sessions, I kept having this feeling that someone very close to me did. But, I’ve learned, it does not matter if I was or I was not. What does matter is that I release whatever I need to and learn what I am meant to. That’s all.

Buying a Zoo- 4 am Ruminations

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Overcoming Ourselves, Vipassana Meditation

This post began as an offshoot of my facebook update, which turned into a blog post Don’t Buy a Zoo; Do Fart over at the nomadic family travel blog, which then refers to here for the spiritual enlightenments. I know, almost for a fact, that google won’t give me credit for bouncing you here and there with criss-crossing links. But at a time like this, who really gives a shit what google thinks? I actually met a backpacker here who works for Google Israel, and she was very nice, so maybe she’ll tell them to be nice to us too.

So, if you are new here, you might as well take a look around. It’s The Real Deal with Neal McNeal (which by the way, does anyone even know that show anymore… News Talk Radio or something like it. Kobi and I loved that show). So, newbies, you really want to look at my Addiction/Letting Go/Death series cuz it always seems to come back to that, these days.

I Lost Touch With Myself

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Overcoming Ourselves

What is the combination of stuff that makes you tick well? Can you identify who you become, where you go when you get lost? Do you know, in the shorter or longer time, to catch it and get yourself back on track? I keep losing myself, and then finding me, losing myself, and then finding me, again. I hope I spend more time, I choose to spend more time, found than lost. Wish me well! I wish you ‘foundness’ a lot!

Gabi

How Not To Fight

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Overcoming Ourselves, Parenting and Family Relations

Why I fight. 

  1. Still brooding over last month’s mother-in-law innocent child-rearing comment. Get it out!
  2. Too-sterile, twice-breathed air of co-habitated space driving me crazy. Create drama!
  3. Far too long since intense sweat-panting, moaning sex. Make-up sex is a remote option. Go for it!
  4. Bad attention is better than no attention, and I can’t breathe, remember? Throw something hard!
  5. My fantasy body, lover, and life are a nose-diving joke. Triumph at least in this!

Pitiful, but true- fighting was once of my all-time favorite pastime.

Over-slept stumbled through the door, mumbling, “I’m, uh, gonna, drink my coffee outside,” until two and a half hours later when he shows up again, grinning. Not what we agreed upon. We were going do this with our children, with both parents, here, involved; and he conveniently gets lost. Lucky me.

Alone In A Hotel Room- Putting Together Who I Am After Vippasana

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Overcoming Ourselves, Vipassana Meditation

So, day 4 alone, in a hotel room, four hours south of my family in Siem Reap, Cambodia. I just made that up, you know. I totally shot that out of nowhere. I have no idea if I’m north, east, west, or southwest of them; but in the greater scheme of things I won’t lose much sleep over. I am far, far away; and contemplative. I wanted to say “happy about it” or “loving it” or “estastic” , and I am all of those things, but I am mostly thoughtful. I love my family so much, so much, so much; and have decided that I simply will not run away from them anymore.

I don’t run away, like go off for weeks on end all the time. This is the sixth time in my life as a mom (almost 11 years) that I’ve gone off for more than a few hours or a night. What I mean is that I feel like I am not present, really present, even though I adore, admire and love them to death. I’m there but I’m also running full-speed in my head, tensely, with brow furrowed, somewhere. Something to do, organize, think about, do, do, do. And so, my beloved (and I can’t say enough how cool this guy is. Go buy one today! They are in limited supply!); yes, where was I, my beloved has said stay as long as you like. When you are ready, come home.

A Mom Who Longs To Be

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Overcoming Ourselves, Vipassana Meditation

I went to the Vippasana course, and I came here, alone in this hotel room, to figure it out. The Buddha sat under the Bondhi Tree and said with great intent, “I will not move a muscle. May my bones break, may the blood flow out of my body. I will not move from under this tree until I reach Enlightenment.” Damn, I love a strong-willed man. Call me Buddhalala will you. I will sit here in this room. Alone in this room, for as long as it takes, until I walk out enlightened. Not fully enlightened, arahant in nirvana; just mundane enlightened to my own life. Just my own little, Earthly everyday life.

I’ve checked myself out of one life-changing, beyond-comprehensible Vippasana silent retreat and into a hostel, alone, in a room to think, to figure it out. What does that mean to me?

To go within, and rethink my life. Who I am, what I want, how I want my daily life to be a testament of what is precious to me. What are my priorities, who do I want to see in the mirror? What do I want to give to my children? Not forever, for now. For the next week, and month and two months, what are my very next, wise, loving steps as a mother?   In a month, in a year, in a lifetime, what did I do to live in my highest light, in my highest potential, in my highest joy? And if I am not there (I’m not), what will get me there?

Anatta- Releasing the “Me, Me, Me” Drama Story

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Overcoming Ourselves

I’m Sexy And I Know It- Full of Myself and Spiritual

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Overcoming Ourselves

towards enlightenment, one step at a time

My first time ever wearing a bikini in Erawan Falls, Thailand (super nervous!)

Eh-hem. Eh-hem. Not sure how to start this one, so I’ll just clear my throat for a while. It’s like when I’m on the radio or speaking in front of a live audience, and someone asks a tough question; I always say, “That’s a great question” to stall and give me a second to figure out what to do with that bomb dropped before me. So, dead give away here… eh-hem, eh-hem, sip water. I don’t know how to bring this up, how to start it in a way that you and I won’t judge me. So, I think I’ll just dive in.

I’m vain. Very vain. Always have been. And now, now that I’m 25 pounds lighter and in amazing toned body, now that I have 20 year old men checking me out; it’s definitely not getting better. I’m spiritual. Very spiritual. Always have been going there. And now, now that I’m living in Buddhist countries and studying,  teaching Clean Your Soul three times a week, and writing tons of this blog; spirituality is seeping into my actions, speech, thoughts, and my being. They don’t fit so easily together.