Damn Him! I Can’t Let Go & Sex

Written by Gabi on . Posted in Overcoming Ourselves, Parenting and Family Relations

light and inspiration for the soul

Damn him! Damn him! Damn him! It’s my family travel blog! It”s my writing people are drawn to. My humor, my honesty, my really unique angle that draws people to our nomadic family travel blog site. It’s me, me, me. And just yesterday, we got over 100 (I’m serious)  likes and comments on a version of this photo of how cute we are as a couple of 18 1/2 years, still so in love. (Whatever!) And just today, I taught a Clean Your Soul Class about how the ego gets in the way and causes us to lose our way to spirituality cuz we’re so wrapped up in ourselves. (“Hi, class. I am the perfect example of what not to do!”) So, now, now, now, he has to go and piss me off and tear into something that is so personally meaningful to me? Now, when I feel like the biggest hypocrite for a- ‘look-what-a-great-couple-we-are‘ and for b- ‘our-ego-separates-us-from-reaching-the-light‘ and mine is freaking out. Blah, blah, blah.

So, let’s look at why I’m soooo mad at my spouse, why I just can’t let go, and how, unless I want my ego to continue running the show, I need to make a change. (Oh, and how the very last insight shocked me.)

Why I’m Sooooo Mad

He’s taking my baby, how I express myself, how I connect with the world and reflect myself; and putting up articles that are dry, bland, lame, and boring. And if he would just express himself as he is- funny, crazy, full of light, waaay out there hysterically energetic and unpredictable; it would be great. But he’s not. He’s verbally graffiti-ing my stage to the world. And when I dare say, “Where are those awesome photos that add so much life to your post?” ;I don’t like his answer. And when I say, “Where is Kobi- full of light and spirit in your writing? “; I get attitude and blow ups. Ugh. Men.

Well, the only thing that fits here, is this:

 

YES! duh!

 

(Sex?… be patient!)

 Why I Can’t Let Go

(You can officially skip this section and go straight to “Crawling Up the Walls.” One word summary would be : rant. Want to witness my temper tantrum, read on).

Cuz I’ve spent two years building my audience, creating this blog, making it what it is.

Cuz numbers are going down as loyal readers are finding material that is bland, and are not coming back.

Cuz it’s my baby and I really don’t want you to touch it.

Cuz I’ve started writing full time here (at gabiklaf.com) , and almost zero there, as I feel it’s no longer mine.

Cuz I love that blog and I love that it is my place to share what I feel and think and experience.

Cuz every time we talk business, things get ugly between us.

Cuz I don’t think I have to fight for something that until a 6 weeks ago was 100% mine.

Cuz I want things to go back to where they were before– I write, and you take care of biz side of things.

Cuz It’s mine and I feel like having a temper tantrum over it.

(No, no sex yet. We build up to these things.)

Crawling Up the Walls

So, I’m pacing the room, crawling the walls, desiring some chocolate,  even more pissed at him for going to the bar for a drink instead of taking me to get something sweet. So, now I’m blaming him for heaps of things and continuing to build this list in my head of why I’m right and he’s wrong, and what evidence I have that proves the injustices thrown upon me.  I’ve made a cup of nauseatingly-sweet coffee and have seriously considered wolfing down the only thing I can find-  that super-old can of re-fried beans. All sorts of things are coming up. I’m feeling desperate, restless; like a caged animal. If I can only stop my flipping from Facebook to YouTube as a distraction; my rummaging for anything to shove into my mouth to fill my aches; my soul screaming ‘I’m the victim! I am right and you are doing me so wrong!” to avoid my own pain. If  I can stop the noise, all of it; I know I’ve got great things to discover.

light and inspiration for the soul

My Necklace from Dell

And I’m flipping through the shelves searching for salty, sweet, salty, sweet. And I know what I’m about to do. This is one of the six consciousnesses that leads to desire. This is me making a Mental Contact of Pain, that has lead to Painful Feelings, and Suffering; and unable to deal with it, me running to food to shut it up. And of course, right as I feel like I can start getting this out, my computer freezes. Everything locks up- WordPress, the internet; even Word crashed a minute ago. God, my energy is that strong; it’s gotta go somewhere, right?

So, I get up again, to continue my fierce search for something ridiculously unhealthy to eat. An obvious form of self-punishment. I come across Dell’s necklace. Oh, Dell and her necklace. Damn Dell. Does she have to get in the way right now? Does she have to come so uninvited to this here and now?

Dell was in my Clean Your Soul Class in Boquete, Panama waaay back in August 2011. Dell was that student you’re not so sure you want in your class, because you have the sneaking suspicion she knows more than you do. Dell walked in with ego and pushed a lot of my buttons. Dell also, in that first lecture, shared with the group that she thought she knew it all and didn’t need my class, but found out that ‘somewhere between humility and arrogance’ (a video)  there is much to learn. Dell also wore this lovely silver bracelet with the Chinese word “love” on it to class one day. She came to me (I think it was in month two of our intense 5 hours a week classes), and said, “Here, I haven’t worn this since I bought it and I feel it needs a good home. It belongs with someone special,” so here,” as she gently put it around my neck.

So, Damn Dell too! I’m trying to abuse myself and avoid my pain; I’m looking for fire to fuel my fires of righteousness, and here waltzes in Dell and her necklace. That is what I found when I looked for darker things: Love, and all that Dell taught to me, and means to me.

(Sex. Ever heard of  foreplay? Good things come to those who wait.)

How Does Love Fit Into This, Dell?

So, I sit here on the bed, no longer searching for food, no longer wanting to be right; playing with the necklace now resting on my left knee. I pick it up, hold it in my hand. I feel it’s delicate, metallic coldness against my fingers; I smell dry salty nothingness; I listen to the soft clink when it pit pats from hand to hand. I am with the necklace. If I play with it, I can focus, I can be here and now, I can see things vepasana, “as they really are”.

“What does love mean? What does love say?” I’m asking Dell energetically, even though she is fourteen time zones behind me, and we haven’t spoken in ages. “What does love mean?”

light and inspiration for the soul

 

What Now- Using the Tools When It Hurts

I realize that slowly, slowly, without me even noticing I’m between a rock and a hard place. This is not where I want to be, at all. I don’t want to fight over ‘the blog’ or money. I don’t want to put my pride above my love.

I want to cry, but not out of sadness. Out of knowing that I know a way full of light, full of love; and surrendering my ego to that which is Higher, and Truer will let me find what I desire.

Four things guide me here:

1-     A Quiet Mind

The Thai monk Ajahn Chah was famous for his forest tradition teaching. In the forest tradition meditations, Ajahn Chah taught us that in order to find ourselves, we should find solitude under a tree of the forest, and sit there. This is what he said:

The Dhamma [the way to enlightenment] is revealing itself in every moment, but only when the mind is quiet can we understand what it is saying, for the Dhamma [the way] teaches without words

And so, I’ve played with the necklace. I‘ve reached that silence. I can hear now.

 

2-     Right Speech

The third of the Eight Fold Path is Right Speech. Right Speech teaches us how to use our words to bring light to others. In the Abbaya Sutta, Budda teaches us to not speak unless we are sure our words are true, beneficial, affectionate, with good intention, and in season (delivered at the right time).

Looking over what I said to Kobi an hour ago, they were none of the above. Shit!

a-I don’t know if numbers went down since I stopped writing for the blog. I guess that, but I don’t know. I don’t know most of the things that I accused him of.

b-I know it was not beneficial to criticize someone who has worked hard and did his best.

c-I know, I know, I know my words were not kind, affectionate, pleasant to his ears.

d-I know my intentions were not to find solutions and do good, but to vent anger, frustration, a lack of control, and my feeling victimized.

e-And, last but not least, I know my timing could not be worse. He just joyfully said, “Hey! Come look!” and wanted to be praised; not cut to pieces. He’s tired, he’s had a long day. I could have waited for tomorrow.

Conclusion: Reckon I should-a shut up. 

3-      Appreciation vs Ego

Buddhism teaches us that there are very clear reasons why we suffer. Buddha, good man,  organizes it into ten “issues” we face that keep us from enlightenment. He calls them fetters. The first of the Ten Fetters of the Mind is Sakkaya-Ditthi  or  “Personality Belief.”

In the shortest possible terms, Sakkaya-Ditthi (personality belief) is our ego getting in the way. Yes.

I need to shut up now. I’ll go crawl into my little hole. My ego is making me think that I am better than him, that I write better than him, that people like me better than him, that I know better than him, and the list goes on.

Like an arrogant blow fish, my ego has expanded beyond the space I am entitled to take in this little world. My ego has blinded me from recalling why I write so well, how I got my soul cleaned, how I learned so much about spirituality and modesty and humor- because of him. Because he spent the first ten years of our relationship holding me while I cried. Because he carried me when I was weak. Because he adored me when I couldn’t stand myself. Because of him, I am what and who I am today. And as soon as my ego swells up, I lose the wisdom to see that, to see that the only thing I owe my husband is gratitude and humility, and a back rub.

 

light and inspiration for the soul

4- Really Good Sex

(Ahh. You waited!)

Sex? Didn’t expect that one, did you? Neither did I.

He walks back in as I’m writing this article.

I say, “I’m sorry.” I’ve found love and lost the ego, and here, sorry works.

“I’m not even upset at you. At all.” he smiles.

I push aside the laptop and all the wires on the bed, and smile. He jumps on top of me, and we kiss like we haven’t kissed in a long time; which leads up really good sex that we both deserve to have in our lives. Why?

Because he’s my man, I’m his woman, and I”m learning all the time.

Good night.

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Comments (21)

  • Wendy

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    Hiya Gabi
    I have not noticed that you stopped writing the blog. I read, learn, visualise with all the blogs I read – and I am not looking for anything except the taste of another’s experiences. I can learn a lot from this one – in my attitude to others in my life, especially those close to me. You are human and it is great that you share your failings as well as your talents. You and Kobi are like yin/yang – you fit!!!
    Sending love xx

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      wendy, you are a doll. yeah, we’ve meshed, mixed, and scrambled things, and i’m thrilled you are finding the inspiration you always loved in the nomadic family blog. i am learning a lot too, in my attitude towards those i love the most. i love sharing with you wendy, you always hold my hand, and tell me how wonderful it is to be who i am, all those sides of me. ying yang- yes, we are! thank you love. gabi

      Reply

  • Mary

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    Why not start him a blog, then you guys can each have a voice, like the nomadic dad:) It could increase your revenue as well:)

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      Great solution Mary! Thank you! I’ll tell Kobi. He may just love that idea! Truly! Kisses to you, and thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts in a comment. Gabi

      Reply

  • Lainie Liberti

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    Sweet Gabi. Have you considered you have become addicted to your own drama? I saw this with the kindest voice as I know you & your struggles deeply. Look at the big picture, look at the pattern. Different persons, situations, but all equaling your inner drama. Something to look at anyway.

    New mantra: I share, I collaborate, I expand, and I don’t believe the ridiculous thoughts that come visit my head from time to time….

    Good luck!

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      Lainie, oh Lainie. Thank you for caring. Thank you for telling me again about my addiction to drama, which I have thought about and written about a great deal since you’ve told me that. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind (or soul) that you speak with wisdom, and that that is part of my learning journey, to stop my addiction to the drama. At the same time, when I zoom out of my life, and witness myself, I see huge leaps and bounds, gargantuan advancement and development. My soul’s learning will take the learning curve it lovingly requires, maybe for the rest of my life. Fighting with my husband of 18+ years (or with another human being) is a normal, healthy, natural part of intimate relationships. This is just sharing the normal things that happen in any family. Thank you for loving me, in your own beautiful, spiritual ways. I have learned much from your mantra, and you.

      Reply

  • Paz

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    I think our husbands should get together to vent. lol The sad part is that my husband also says the same thing “I’m not mad at you”. For some reason the idea of him being upset is better than him NOT being upset, because it makes me feel like an even bigger ass!!

    Love your post and we are currently launching a business and struggling with money and not having enough sex. hahaha

    Your post has taught me many things that I need to focus on. I especially love Right Speech. Hmmmm not sure if any of my words have been that in the last month, even though I am not making any income for us any longer and he continues to keep us afloat. My ego I guess. Thanks for pointing it out to me and making me step back and regain my clarity and my priorities.

    Thanks!! I’ll let you know when we get to the sex part. 😉

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      paz. what a charmer you are. what a dear for writing and sharing. i love this part. where souls talk, laugh, say, ‘yeah, i feel like an ass too!’. i so believe that that is what it’s all about. gaining new information and finding inspiration/partners who walk the path towards enlightenment, with us. i love that so much. pretty dangerous if we let them guys share, no? 🙂

      i know how much stress money and couplehood get. i think any couple who has ever tried to make it, gets it. i’m so glad your ego, and mine, got a reminder of where we belong- in utter gratitude to these great men who keep us afloat (and don’t really demand that much back in return- mostly appreciation).

      can’t wait to hear about the amazing sex part. cuz he’s your man, and you’ve got a lot of learning to do, too. 🙂 hugs to you paz, gabi

      Reply

  • Karen

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    Beautiful.

    Sometimes the journey is as important as the knowledge you gain.

    (And it makes the sex better too.)

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      hey you. still there, guiding me, loving me. your ‘beautiful’ is priceless. i believe, dear karen, that i could gain this knowledge because of the journey, all the tangents of it, and makes better sex too. i’m quite sure i’ve created some great fights with the full intention of wanting to create sex (shame, i’m going to hell) but yes. here, it was a pleasant unexpected side effect. i love sharing my journey with you. so. much. gabi

      Reply

  • Yael

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    Don’t have a partner to yell at and then have great sex with (not yet) – but I really enjoy your process, your creativity and the love and authenticity that oozes out…hugs from me in your homeland

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      yael, how lovely to see your smiling face here, and to hear your words. you’ll find a great guy, when it’s right, and you will have glorious fights with him, and glorious sex with him. i’ll be cheering you on every step of the way love. thank you for reading my process. you are so wise in processes, in seeing the desire for peace and compassion at the end of the conflict, and i value you seeing my creativity, love and authenticity. all there, and all observable to you, because you live in those terms constantly, and can identify them with love. hug the homeland back. i miss her. and her people.

      Reply

      • yael

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        Hey Gabi
        Much love to you from me in the homeland! Thanks for the encouragement, it’s warmed my heart first thing in the morning…

        In anticipation to reading more from you..
        Love

        Reply

        • Gabi

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          awww yael. i know that i warmed your heart is so heart-warming for me. such an honor. such joy. much more coming and so excited to know that you and i get to discuss these things. these are the types of real conversations (real- online real) i love. and one day, we’ll sit face to face in the holy land, and have so much to talk about. gabi

          Reply

  • amber

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    love the open book. you write so many things that most of us all try to hide. we would all feel way more normal then we do if we all just talk about these things we all feel.

    Reply

    • Gabi

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      hi amber love. i have missed you dear one. thank you for the love and for knowing, deeply how much we both have to learn from each other and from the lives we’ve been blessed to have. my deepest admiration, gabi

      Reply

  • Keesha

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    I usually do not leave many comments, but i
    did a few searching and wound up here Gabi Klaf – Towards Enlightment, One Step at a Time

    Reply

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