It just hit me so hard I can’t breath. Can’t. Breathe. I’m drowning. Rolling down, down, down into it, groping for air, for some root to hold onto to keep me in the sunshine, but the sun is gone and the roots have all rotted. I was just now sitting there smiling at my life, looking at my loving husband with admiration and gratitude, cherishing the gentle touch of my child’s sweet words, and then BAM! It’s back. I thought we were over this? You know exactly what I’m talking about. Your version may be different, may be more colorful, messier, and still impossible to explain to anyone who hasn’t been through it, but you know. You feel his finger grazing your thigh, you smell that which reminds you how that drug/alcohol/person used to make you feel, you hear that song and it brings you back to a you who was so much more alive and beautiful, not the you in the mirror today. And all around you, all the blessings and logic and love in your life, vanish, vacuumed up into an abyss of never-again’s and what-if’s that you know simply no longer have a place in your life.
And yet it won’t go away. It won’t.
Would you almost lose it all again for this addiction? Do you remember how insane you got last time?
No, I would not. Yes, I do. I do. I do.