Oh my loves. How I’ve missed writing/sharing/being with you. Or have I just missed myself and how I reflect the light of who I am off your eyes when I write here? Hmmm…
How glorious would it have been to spend sixty eight days in utter silence? I did it for ten days in my first Vippasana Meditation outside of Battambang, Cambodia and there, was filled with such peace and three times, insights that made the entire puzzle of my life fit together. For those moments, those three times, looking up at at at at at stars, nothing but darkness and stars, crying, I felt all who I was, the energy of me, finally, deeply, truly taste freedom of body. I knew for a few minutes there that I am all frequency, that everything changes, and that I’m so deeply blessed to get to be a part of the life school.
And as soon as I opened my mouth on day 12, all hell broke loose. Within less than an hour, I lost my flip flops, water bottle, and room key, I had a splitting headache, and lost the deep clarity that came with 150 people all in a shared consciousness of silent healing.
So, imagine what would sixty eight days be like?
The irony is that I was not silent in life these passed sixty eight days. I was silent here on the blog. Had a whirlwind of adventure, too much danger, too much, no, so much getting lost, and very little internet. Just yesterday, I swore I would walk out the door, onto my motorbike, and into the ashram thirty minutes from here, the one with the long, beautiful, serene drive through towns and fields. I don’t know what the teacher teaches or how much it costs or how my family will be without me, but yesterday, yes, just 24 hours ago, I was trapped in a self-carved corner in which escape seemed my only way out.
Turns out clarity does a fine job as well in helping you breathe when you feel you can’t. I walked around like a caged tiger for a few hours and fumed inside myself. Everything I tried to do became hostile and stuck. What a lovely clear reflection of where I was. How kind of the Universe to show me things so spotlessly. I couldn’t get my B12 shot for I had no money. I returned home and ransacked the house for cash to no avail. I took the one credit card I found and tried the ATM (out of service) and the pharmacy (he was out of town) and realized that every cow, car, and motorbike on the way was in my way and totally unreasonable. Yes, I required a step away from all that I was rolling in to gain some clarity.
I wrote a short letter to my family expressing to them that I love them and that I love me and therefore, because of the latter, I am giving them the honor of taking care of themselves. As responsible for themselves, they now wake themselves up in the morning, make and clean up after their own meals, and get to bed either in time for a story and cuddles or not. They choose. I don’t push, I don’t decide. They do. I like that.
In The Now
Been reading The Power of Now and loving what it is doing to me. I am finding myself slowly, slowly more in the now. More in the what I am enjoying while doing this this second and less in the what will I gain or how will this action accomplish something in the future. I am more now, more present, more in the space that currently occupies the region right before my nose and in my soul. I like that.
Since I’ve written to you, we’ve left the Philippines, moved to Nepal, hike the infamous Annapurna Circuit (and almost died), left Nepal, moved to Goa, India, got the kids fully acclimated in a new amazing school (took a week and a half of me sitting in school with them), found a house (bless Kobi for doing that day after day in the sweltering heat), settled in (still in the process), and completely lost track of who my deepest self was. I was so busy doing that I totally lost my contact to meditation, healing, yoga, exercise, and the silent spaces that inspire me to clear more darkness and fill it with light.
It got crazy when it dawned upon me that weeks and weeks and weeks keep coming and going and there’s no internet or no time or no energy to do the yoga and meditation exercises that I’m dying to do online. Dying to heal myself and months have slipped through my fingers with justifiable excuses (which still does’t make it any the less maddening) of why I just haven’t gotten around to doing what I deeply desire.
There’s so much on my body-mind-soul to do list. You can see it here on this post I wrote about brown water and how badly I don’t want that anymore. The wish list is this:
Yesterday, in my fog of hostility, I went to try on some dresses. That should make me happy. Yes?
No. I felt like a fat heifer in a Barbie wardrobe and it brought me back to fitting room moments I have deeply dreaded.
So, today, I woke up and did it all differently. All of it. Clarity, calmness, nowness, no more victimness. All differently and full of light, with a very clear focus on me first. Magically, everyone is attracted to me now, everyone is kinder, and when they are not, it fazes me in the least. Why? Cuz I know who I am and I know that it all passes and I see that right now is fuckin amazing. And so, all the blessings of my family and all the beauty and joy have begun to surface when I stopped trying to serve everyone and completely owned me and my importance.
Yes, I finally did it! Yes, I’ve invested my time in that which I deserve and want and wish for myself. Totally worth every cent and every second. It’s an endless library of yoga and meditation videos by a whole army of amazing teachers. You pick the level, the kind of Yoga, the length of class, and if there are any body parts or issues you want to focus on. Today, I did (finally!) my first video! I did a 60 minute Hatha Yoga level one Heal the Back class.
What I Learned
- That it’s all about a healthy relationship with my body, this body right now
- That every movement should lead to more ease and fluidity and joy
- That it’s all, all, all about me being in a positive, joyous place with the space I currently occupy and that that is why I want to take this time, to make time for me to see me and to love me and to be
- That I need good internet to make this a part of my daily life
- That if I don’t carve the time out for it, it won’t happen
- That I deeply love myself and appreciate my loving husband and my kids (even when all of the aforementioned, especially me, are unreasonable)
Your thoughts. Please. Or Don’t. Either way, I love you. Gabi
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