I say ‘knowings’ and not ‘facts’ cuz I am absolutely clueless about any single fact in my life. Whereas, I once knew I knew a lot of facts, and I knew them as true; today, I don’t know that anymore. I am proud of my seven years of university education, the twelve years of spirituality and self-healing/trauma therapy, and endless hours of personal study. I am proud to say [deep voice, chest out], “I have a Master’s in Psychology,” but that is my ego talking, not what I learned.
Today, I am honored/humbled by the blessed path I have led. I am honored/humbled by the supportive man who always encouraged me to ‘take that next course to do your soul good.’ I bow to him, and to all that I have learned, in deepest gratitude. I am grateful for an undying curiosity to know, and the thirst for more answers. It has all led me to today. But, does that make me ‘know’? I think not.
I am learning and growing and developing every day. That which I was, that which I knew ten years ago, ten weeks ago, ten days ago; is not that who I am, and what I know, today. I am constantly breaking down walls of knowledge, to build new ones. So, what I ‘knew’ and taught and believed in two months has morphed; as I have grown, and my soul has grown deeper, and more able to accept the newer, higher-frequency information I am receiving.
And thus, here are my ‘knowings’ for it’s what I know as of today. And as I continue to learn, and as you continue to learn; our discussion will grow deeper, more spiral, and more colorful. Who Am I?
It’s one of those Judea-Christean doctrines that we thought we knew of so well growing up. I’ve long since thrown out that theory of guilt and shame, and us forever trying unsuccessfully to return to the Garden of Eden. Eden is here, and there, and within; and God/The Source/The Universe/The Black Madonna/Fill in Your Own Blank loves you regardless of what you do, or don’t do. So, here is what I know/guess/speculate/deeply consider right for me/understand today.
What Is Not Me
Our creator is all-knowing, all-powerful, all-perfect and cannot experience pain, disappointment, loneliness, anger, jealousy, and fear. That’s why he made us. He/She wanted to answer the question “Who Am I” and created us to relay back to him that answer. I am not my job, my home, my body, my history, my problems, my fear, and all the other things I have struggled through to learn “Who Am I?” Those of us who got a little lucky on that path, realize, that I am none of those, I am none of those at all.
Buddhism calls it “Anata” (non-self), and it is the essence of knowing that none of those Earth-defining or ego-clinging things define who I am. I am not my degrees. I like them, take safety behind them, cling to them for my ego-definition of self; but they are not me.
What Is Me?
So, what is ‘me’ ? The little toe.
I know, you’re thinking we deserve a bit more glory here.
I am the little toe of this huge and wonderful light-source being who cannot experience the pain of getting his toe stubbed on that heavy post in the middle of the night when he gets up to pee. I am the little toe of this fully-satisfied love-source who cannot understand how it is to miss the big toe so much it hurts. The Source does not know how is feels to fear that something may happen to the pinky. He cannot phantom what is feels like when the hearts hurts, and you clutch your chest, begging it to stop beating, to stop aching so unbearably so. He can’t be jealous that the ring finger got an engagement band that he did not, and what that says about his self-worth. He/She can’t experience that; but I, the little toe, can.
My job is to experience all the experiences that the Source puts before me, and relay back to The Source what is feels like to hate, to be scared, to be lonely, to be jealous; and also, to be in love, and to desire, to feel joy. I am the conveyer of information, and my role is to do that as best as I can.
Therefore, anything I experience, down to the tiniest detail, was created for me, by my Source, to learn from it. And, I will continue to experience the same painful experience over and over and over again, until,my soul learns, on the deepest level, to embrace the lesson before me, and reach the grand conclusion.
What is The Grand Conclusion
It is quite simple. That if my life is not going the way I want it to, it is not because I have done something wrong, I am dysfunctional, I am not good enough, I am a loser; it’s because I have to learn, still, to overcome that emotional/spiritual/physical challenge. (Remember, no guilt in this equation. There is simply no room or usefulness for it.) I’m just not done yet, not that I haven’t tried hard enough. Maybe I need to try a different way to overcome, maybe I need to develop a new skill set which I was meant to learn, maybe I need to learn how to empower myself also while facing my greatest fear, handicap or pain.
The Grand Conclusion says that everything is alright, that everything is exactly how it is meant to be, that everything is exactly how it was created for me to experience. That at the core of everything, everything, everything there is light and love. And that is all. That once I learn to move passed my ego, my attachments to what I know and who I am, my history, my pity-pain flag that I carry, my story; then, I will reach the grand conclusion of light and love, and that I am light and love, and have always been as such.
I write in run-one sentences that start in ‘that’ and ‘so’ and ‘and’ for the conventions of English grammar seem limiting to me when I am inspired. These are not thoughts with a clear beginning, middle, and end; with a clear ‘subject’ ‘verb’ ‘prepositional phrase’ ‘closing punctuation’; but more of fluid pouring out of thoughts, feelings, knowings, truths. And, as I type, the thoughts lay themselves down with a clarity that they alone knew of. I am just the hands doing it for them, I have so little to do with this.
And that makes me very happy. Its shows to me, yet again, that I am growing, developing, and letting go of my ego that says, “I am the teacher” and “I know” therefore “I will teach you” through my “wonderful writing and knowledge.” No, I’m just typing, and whatever is coming out is a joyful surprise, for you, and for me.
And so, when I believe that I create my reality, that I make my dreams come true, that I am the Master of my Universe; I am setting myself for feeling failure when I don’t make it. I am able to overcome every single thing my God/Source gives me. He/She would never give me anything I can’t handle, and grow from. If I’m stuck in my life; I just need to ask for more help and guidance, learn and try new things, develop an appreciation for my journey, and learn what I am meant to, so that I can move on to that next enlightened lesson.
And, with that, I bow to you. I’m going to eat a pomela and try, so very kindly, to get my children into bed. I am my most spiritual self right now, doing many meditations of lately that I have never reached so effortlessly. At the same time, I am still just Gabi, a mom who gets mad at her kids and yells when they don’t listen, and feels that helplessness choking my throat, deep inside, when I feel helpless and out of control in my own shell. Clearly, I can do this; clearly, there is much more left to me to learn here.
I bow to that, and you, and me;
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