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I came home from work, so exhausted. I just wanted to put my feet up for a minute. Drink my coffee. And then she came into my face and started arguing and making these noises to annoy me on purpose. I told her I needed some space, that my head is exploding, and she wouldn’t let up. I got up and went to the living room. She followed me, with the loud noises. I had to physically push her away from me and lock myself in my bedroom. I just wanted a short nap so I could regain my strength for the evening with the kids. [Single mother of five.] She stood there pounding on the door making the noises as loud as she could. I’m sooooooooo sick and tired of it all.

We’ve all been there. And it’s hard. It’s so hard.

I get up at four to get my six kids to school on time and myself to work [an hour’s drive away]. I come home exhausted to find the place a total pig style- dishes with dried food stuck on it, the counter, the sink, the table- overflowing; their things strewn everywhere, the bathroom smelling like a public urinal [five boys] and then, then, then I hear, “Mom, have you made dinner yet? I’m hungry.” …..And, of course, I’m the last one to go to bed for I’m cleaning up and getting ready for the next day. I’m overwhelmed and exhausted. Angry.

Deep breathe…..

And here our evening begins….

Welcome Back

Again, I lovingly welcome you if you are new to gabiklaf.com/ or new to our How to Parent Out of Control Teens series. It’s paralleled to this amazing parenting class that I’m currently teaching in Northern Israel at a local high school. It’s so raw, so real, so emergency-parenting that I feel this huge, bulging desire to share the details of our journey knowing that it can help others. To be sure you don’t miss any of the parenting/healthy lifestyle/loving myself soul work that we do here, feel free to sign up on the right in that little form. Also, to catch up to our work up until now, here are the links for the previous four posts in this series:

1- The Journey Begins 2- Metamorphosis 3- Allusions, Throw Up, & Rejection 4- Teenagers & Sex

and, as a lovely added bonus: How to Live with a Teenager Who Hates You

Unacceptable Exhaustion

We all have to work. We all get tired. We all have errands and cooking and driving the kids around and a life to juggle into a finite amount of time. This is acceptable (and even here there are so many gorgeous life hacks and areas of reflection that can allow us to simplify our lives and create more spaces for inner peace in the hysterical beat of That Which Is…. but, that’s another day). Tiredness from the day-in-day-out of life is normal and acceptable. Neglecting myself and my needs for an extended period of time, as a lifestyle, a lifestyle in which I run around like a chicken with my head cut off doing, serving, cleaning, and caring for all the needs of everyone in my household plus the needs of the house itself to my standard of perfection with no end in sight is not. It’s not. It. Is. Not.

Now I’ve worked with mothers of very young children and I know that it may seem that we will never get over this stage. I know. I birthed three kids in three years, homeschooled for half of their childhood, and sometimes felt like the restroom was the only breather I got from my life. I know. I know and can accept that there will be intense periods in our lives, maybe even intense years in which all the logistics of life itself are a bit overbearing. OK.

But living in a home with teenagers and elementary school-aged children who can and should be contributing while you run around like an unappreciated servant is not OK.

N-O-T O.K.

It’s not.

What We’re Teaching Our Children

And so we find ourselves here in a room full of over-worked, over-tired mothers who have raised their children knowing that they can do, break, take, help themselves to whatever/whenever/wherever/however they wish with not a care in the world, with not the slightest need to raise a finger. They bitch A LOT but except for the occasional total-break-down-freak-out-hissy-fit it’s empty air for as they are bitching, they keep cleaning up other people’s messes. And what this teaches our kids is, in my opinion, completely unforgivable.

We’re teaching them through modeling, through our example that love/family/motherhood/couplehood means me giving you everything and me totally giving up on myself; sacrificing everything to make another happy; me losing all of my self worth and making you the center recipient of everything. That in love/family/motherhood/couplehood that it is really ok to give, give, give and not receive; that it is not a two-way dialogue of giving and taking, compromising and sharing responsibilities; that relationships are not about mutual growth but about one becoming unappreciated and unworthy while the others become egocentric and selfish. That if I really love you I become your servant and you in turn treat me like shit. And… then I get to be a victim- complaining, nagging, bitter, exhausted, depleted, neglected and I blame you/all of you for putting me in this position and I get older/uglier/nastier/colder than I should be and lose the pure joy of really enjoying a life of sharing/growth/independence.

Mutual Dependency

You see, in essence, when I don’t allow my kids to take responsibility, to rise to the occasion, to do more as they grow more; I am actually retarding their independence. I am crippling their ability to form healthy, happy relationships of mutual caring and sharing of duties. When I do everything for my child and family, I am not only creating situations of distance and bitterness; I am not only raising ego-monsters who will seek spouses who will continue to treat them as such; I am creating a mutual dependency in which I still want to be needed by my grown children and they will continue to need me even when they can and should thrive otherwise.

It’s sometimes this deep unconscious need stemming from the fear that I’m not needed/I’m not important/ I’m not anybody really and then I have a child and suddenly someone is totally dependent on me and then I have this role and it feels good and I’m needed and I feel more whole in some parts, and losing that, raising my kids to be independent and not need me is really scary. It’s in essence, taking away from myself this one role that makes me feel significant and though I may bitch endlessly, I’d rather stay a needed victim than be ‘title-less’. It’s a bit to chew on and it’s not what everyone does do, but I think it’s worth marinating on for a bit. Could this be what I’m unconsciously doing in my parenthood?

One Russian mother shared something powerful. She said that she had worked for years in kindergartens in Russian and there each child learned from a very young age that they are responsible for the immediate area around them. If you drop food when you eat or you drop paper cuttings doing art, it is your responsibility to lean down and pick it up, to keep your area clean. When she immigrated to Israel and began working in the kindergartens here, she found a totally different early-childhood personal responsibility mentality. Here in Israel, when she suggested to the main teacher that they have the kids clean up after themselves, she was told repeatedly, “No, that’s ok, we’ll do it when they’re done” or “No, let them be. There’s no point,” and from this foundation out of the home and at home is born the child who cannot take care of his own basic responsibilities.

Being Taken Advantage Of

And when we raise our kids knowing that we will do everything for them and that they have no responsibility for themselves or to clean up their own messes, they grow dependent on us and naturally (not meanly, but very naturally) take advantage of us. That is what we taught them.

One mother with two children already married said that one couple was living in their home and now, the newlyweds also moved in, explaining how “We’ve decided to spend our first years here as a way to save money for the downpayment on a house.” She said both couples were lovely but that she exclusively does the cleaning, cooking, and shopping for both grown working couples, and that the other day her son came home from work, kissed his wife hello, handed his mother his dirty laundry, and told her that he was out of his special shampoo. Really?

Another mother shared that her teenage daughter is now bringing home her boyfriend who stays until extremely late at their house on school nights. She says she feels that she no longer has privacy in her own home to walk around and feel at ease at home for they sit in the living room or dining room until all hours of the night. She said the other day they came home, asked for money to buy some food [single mom barely getting by], cooked, and left all the pots, the sink, counter, and the dirty dishes for her to wash. Really?

Re-educating Our Children and Setting Clear Limits

Clearly, we have a lot of new information to convey to our children. We have some clear limits and new regulations to administer in our homes. Something to the tune of:

Dear adult or almost-adult children,

You live in my house. You (and your significant other) are guests living under the graces of my kindness. I pay for this home, the furnishings, the water and electricity. I pay for the groceries and for the most part, for your clothing, education, entertainment, and lifestyle preferences. This is my home. You can stay here (or not- cuz it’s time to get out) as long as you understand that I feed, cloth, and clean after the people living in this home up to this limit. Your contribution financially and logistically are as follows… [fill in the blank]. The limits for guests are in the following rooms until the following time in which everyone leaves the home. If you prepare food, have dirty laundry, etc… this is how you will take care of it. Should you be unhappy with these new and clear limits, feel free to respectfully discuss them with me or move out. The choice is clearly yours.

Love, Your Guardian and Parent

It is hard to come back and change the rules of the game once we’ve accustomed everyone to this dependency. It’s hard to come in and sing a new tune and expect others who have been raised with this song as acceptable to now seamlessly start to harmonize to your new tune. It is hard, but it must be done.

Sure, it would have been easier if we had raised them that way from the start. And sometimes, we have raised our kin to contribute and once adolescence kids in, what was previously acceptable now becomes the source of rebellion and resistance. Either way, here we are now and here we longer accept to stay.

One mother spoke of how she came home from work to find the entire kitchen and house a hell-hole and all of her kids (5) on technology and waiting for her to make dinner. She took two steps into the house, accessed the situation, and reversed. She went to a coffee shop, took an hour-long walk in nature, and gingerly answered their first few calls with a cheery, “The house is not acceptable and the kitchen is not functional. Once it is properly taken care of, feel free to inform me.” Fast forward two hours and much whining and family drama later (which she refers to be a part of) and the overflowing trash is thrown, dishes washed, counter cleaned, and living room cleared.

Turns out her kids CAN do it!

Re-education is not easy but IT IS MANDATORY.

Your Turn

Is it possible that just maybe you are subconsciously keeping your kids down to protect your role as needed parent? Are your kids taking advantage of the kindness of your heart and the softness of your way? Is it time to re-educate your kids and create new limits in your home? Is there a much-needed dialogue about contributing and fairness and appreciation that may be helpful to have in your home?

I’m hearing you, mostly through private messages and emails and such is also beautiful. Should you want to share, feel free to leave a comment below or send me an email at gabiklaf@gmail.com. I’m so happy to be sharing this course with you. Here are the rest so far…

1- The Journey Begins 2- Metamorphosis 3- Allusions, Throw Up, & Rejection 4- Teenagers & Sex

and, as a lovely added bonus: How to Live with a Teenager Who Hates You

Gabi is a certified trauma therapist, family communications expert, energy healer, and life coach with a Masters in Psychology. She shares her personal life stories and insights to inspire others to share their honest, neurotic selves and do all that is necessary to Clean Your Soul. She believes that all of us are on our journey from pain to the light, and by staying inspired and aware, we can all reach our fullest, cleanest, most beautiful free selves. Gabi takes a very limited number of one-on-one clients for transformational parenting, family, healthy life, and trauma therapy. You may reach Gabi directly at gabiklaf@gmail.com.

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awesome, awesome works of art that adds so much light to us all. i thank these geniuses…

Woman in Red Yellow Orange Flames

Welcome Wine Glasses

Woman exhausted with coffee mug

Rock Heart

Heart Mobiles on String in Sunset

Paper Scraps on White Background

Heart Falling Apart with Blue Background

I found a box of condoms in his room. What? I’m shocked. He’s the most immature child in this universe. He is not ready in any way to have sex. What the hell do I do?

Well, he obviously is ready, or he thinks he is, cuz black and white, right in front of our faces we have that box of condoms.

Like it or not, your child is sexual. He is. Now what? Fill him with shame or try to give him the right information? Leave him totally alone or try to guide? Shrink sheepishly away or rise nobly to the occasion?

And so we begin our fourth chapter….

Welcome Back

In case you’re new to our parenting saga, here are chapter one (vibrations of pain), chapter two (metamorphosis), and chapter three (allusions, throw up and rejection) , this one is chapter four, chapter five (an unforgivable message), and the bonus (How to Live with a Teenager Who Hates You). For those of you silently holding your breath, we’re entering no-man’s land and the sexual landlines are huge. It’s going to get intense, beautiful, ugly, and gorgeous. Hold on……

A Quick Peek Back

So, we started with a review [the onion], because we always do go back briefly over what we already learned and then add more depth, more information to that. It was gorgeous. The review of the Baby (read chapter three for details) and the different voices fighting inside our teen’s head was powerful. We strengthened again how hard those voices are for our teens and how we want to find the light to help them. At the same time, we must separate ourselves from their storms and not get emotionally caught up in the fire. It is hard. It is hard.

Teenage Boys

So, again using the words of Anthony Wolf from Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Take Me and Cheryl to the Mall? we started looking at the differences between a typical teenage girl and teenage boy. We didn’t get too terribly far before sex took over, but he’s what we did….

This information is the typical, the general and not every single teenager fits in this information or goes through the same processes. In general girls will fight through their teenage years (because they emotionally want to and can), and boys will not. As Dr. Wolf explained- boys go into their rooms and reappear four years later. Boys do not want confrontation, discussions, fights; they want quiet. (One mother said that they stay that way forever, like her husband.)

We were about 3/4 finished with the boys info I planned on sharing and about to get to the girls when it all stopped and the discussion went straight into sexuality. I was explaining how the boys up until this point have only loved one woman deeply- their mother, and now with an unfocused sexuality that is full of desire and color and confusion, but unclear resolution, they must pull away from their mothers and fast. They will not and do not want their unclear sexuality to mix in with their love for their mother and so they must pull away and strong.

The worst thing a mother can do is get angry and scream and demand or use guilt to try to get her son to love her again. It is so hard for mothers who had sweet boys who hugged and cuddled and were loving to now face stone-faced, distant, rude boys. It is so hard. But once we understand that it is only a phase, that once he is passed this, he can and will come back to us, then we can release them with love, and without fear, and know that they have to grow up and take that distance now. I have done nothing wrong. There is nothing I should do differently. I will give him that space.

And then sexuality came full-force.

Our Voice

It is our job to use our voice in our child’s sexuality. The internet and media and friends and girl/boy friends will have a huge voice. Know that whatever you say, even if your child pushes you away, gets in there, like water, it seeps in and that voice is heard.

We may not know exactly how and when to approach our children and that is ok, each will find her own way. One had her brother or husband speak to her son, another can send a text message, some bought books about sexuality and gave it to their sons. The way is not important but a few things are. They are discussed below.

1- The Earlier The Better

The earlier we bring sexuality as a comfortable and open conversation into our home the better. Kobi and I have raised our kids from when they were babies speaking of sexuality as normally as we’d speak about the puzzle they were doing. In this way, every commercial, every video, every situation we meet in life we are able to bring to the table and discuss with our kids in terms of sexuality, right/wrong, being responsible, and making choices. The earlier and the more we can bring sexuality into our life sphere, the healthier.

My eldest shared with me how a boy friend of hers told her that he had had sex with his girlfriend when she was 14. The conversation was intense and gorgeous and for me, as a mom, the highlight was when my then 14-year-old asks him, “Why did you have sex with her?”

“Cuz she really wanted to and I loved her.”

[And here it is…..]

She says, “If you really loved her you should have waited. 14 is way too young to have sex.”

2- Be a Kind Human Being

Our teens must understand that sexuality is a big deal and that there are strong physical and emotional consequences to being sexual. I once treated a young 22 year old man who was powerfully into having sex with as many young women as possible. He shared with me with pride that he would lie and say whatever each girl wanted to here just to get her into bed with him. He would promise whatever she wanted just as long as he got the sex. What happened after, he did not care about for he had gotten what he wanted.

My work with this young man is to help him realize that he was attractive enough, inside and out, and that he could trust in him being good enough as he was to get what he wanted. I taught him how each person he has sex with has a heart and dreams and a soul that could be hurt for weeks, months, or years after he’s done using her and that his true beauty and true self can enjoy having sex with the girls that want him as he is and for the same reasons that he wants her. We went through a beautiful learning process in which he connected to himself and learned that he could be honest and still get what he wanted from the girls who wanted the same as him without harming anyone.

One mother said that she only has sons but she worries for and cares about all the daughters out there as much as she does for her sons. The huge message that we agreed upon is that regardless if I have sons or daughters, I want my child to be a compassionate person and be kind and true in all of his relations. That our job is to use our voice to convey to our teens (and, of course, earlier, if we still have that opportunity) that we all deserve to be treated with wisdom and kindness and honesty also in sexuality and that not hurting anyone’s heart should be as critically important to be as not hurting them physically.

I think the scene below from Captain Fantastic (all-awesome!) sums it best what we expect from our boys and girls, and what we’d expect for each to look for in another:

“When you have sex with a woman be gentle, and listen to her. Treat her with respect and dignity, even if you don’t love her.”

3- The Power of Sex

Sexuality can be a powerful force that pushes aside all logic and everything that the child knows and loves. Some boys will waste every dime they worked for on girls so that they can “earn sex.” When we were young, we made very stupid mistakes that came from our sexual desires.

We did talk about taking our daughters to the gynecologist and if they wanted the privacy that they could go without the mother’s knowing or being there, or with me. Some girls know what they want and plan, actively seek it and others either are not there yet, are not ready to acknowledge their sexual desires, or have them and do not yet have the means/readiness/maturity or choose not to express it. According to Nathalie Bartle in Venus in Blue Jeans: Why Moms and Girls Need to Talk about Sexuality; many girls lose their virginity or have sex “by accident” and therefore have no condoms for it is easier for them to accept and love themselves if things got carried away and it happened by accident and was not something that they had pre-planned out. Therefore, if we don’t give our girls the information that be safe, have a condom, take care of yourself then they may ‘accidentally’ get carried away and then have to face the many consequences of that. [Excellent book!]

A few moms talked about giving their kids a sexuality book and that that was easier than talking. Another shared that she googled images of sexually transmitted diseases and let her son sit with that for a while. We spoke of how hard it is to release our kids into the world with our sexual approval when we really feel that they are not old enough/mature enough/ready to have sex. One mother was hurt that she had tried so hard to raise a moral child who would wait and not just sleep around and that it was too late, and she felt that she had failed. Several mothers and one father were religious and it was impossibly hard for them to accept that their child was sexual, let alone bless them for being responsible in their sexuality.

At the End of Our Third Parenting Meeting

One mom who has not breathed for a long time and who is really struggling with the nasty fights and behavior of her teenage son said that she finally understood that she needs to take a step back and allow him the distance he needs. She was laughing and crying and said that if she takes nothing else from the course that she knows that this will help her get through this period of his life and that he will come back. Up until now, she was nagging non-stop at him, criticizing, and telling him all that was wrong with him and his friends at every chance she got. [We have still much work to do here, but this, this was so powerful and beautiful progress.]I told her that she needs to tell him,

“I do not like the way you are acting. I do not approve of your behaviors or your choices but I will always love you and I am here for you, whenever you want to come back. I am here. “

Another mom says that everything has already changed in her home and that she can’t believe that in just two sessions she can already feel so much closer to her son! Another mom whose son was recruited into the army today was going to miss class but hurried back for she said that the information and the work we are doing is changing everything in her life. She said she comes home each week and sits with her teenage daughter and together they review all the material we learned and that that is helping her daughter and their relationship so much.

The group is unbelievable! The work is breathtaking. We are changing lives and it is an honor to share this entire process with you.

The Reality of It All

Teenagers are this remarkable, fascinating, passion-filled, miraculously-alive race of beings that are an honor to be near. Teenagers are also this miserable, dramatic, complicated, moody, selfish race of beings that are impossible to live with. They either thrive and flourish or fail and get lost, and often fluctuate between those extremes with huge emotional mood shifts that we, the parents, have to bear the brunt of.

Though we haven’t discussed the miracle of them enough in our group cuz we’re too busy dealing with a solid foundation of who they are, we will, and when we do, I know that that information will also prove worthy and inspirational.

Any insights on life with teens? Sexual readiness? Found a condom and freaked out? I’m here ready to read your comments, but more likely, as the pattern has joyfully been, ready to get your private emails and messages. I’m at gabiklaf@gmail.com and happy to be here, discuss, and grow together.

Our How to Parent Out of Control Teens Journey Continues Here:

The Journey Begins- Part One

Metamorphosis- Part Two

Allusion, Throw Up and Rejection- Part Three

Teenagers & Sex- Part Four

An Unforgivable Message- Part Five

and, as a lovely added bonus: How to Live with a Teenager Who Hates You

Gabi is a certified trauma therapist, family communications expert, energy healer, and life coach with a Masters in Psychology. She shares her personal life stories and insights to inspire others to share their honest, neurotic selves and do all that is necessary to Clean Your Soul. She believes that all of us are on our journey from pain to the light, and by staying inspired and aware, we can all reach our fullest, cleanest, most beautiful free selves. Gabi takes a very limited number of one-on-one clients for transformational parenting, family, healthy life, and trauma therapy. You may reach Gabi directly at gabiklaf@gmail.com.

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I love giving credit to the geniuses who bring their art to the world. In order of appearance:

Sex Scrabble Tiles

Welcome Sign

Baby Feet

Superman toy

There are holes in my walls, we’ve already removed the doors, and a few windows are cracked. They are destroying not just me and each other but the physical house we live in as well.

So, last week, I left feeling hopeless and overwhelmed. This week, I feel that there is hope. I’m optimistic that I can do this.

I know now that I am not alone. That my teenager is not this huge failure, this monster that is all wrong. He is normal and we’ll get through this insane period of his life.

We’re doing amazing things. Learning together. Sharing the real stuff. No filters. Just real, raw parenting pain and mutual fumbling for answers. This week, we touched on another gorgeous list of deeply vital foundations for parents of teenagers. Here are the top issues broken down:

Before We Dive In, Know

I teach “onion-style”. I don’t want to cover the material and check it off the list and say, “we’re done”. I want to touch upon new concepts, let the mind touch them, let them marinate for a week, and then come back and go deeper, give the next layer (without the resistance that comes when you bring something new, too much, too fast, too much, too much, stop.). I want the material to slowly seep in. To not be raped by the new stuff, but massaged, softly, and once we can agree and fully stand at peace at the new ground, then, I can push one layer (hence the onion) deeper, get that inch more into this new truth, and slowly, gently, create a new magical way at looking at my previous world.

And so, we always start with a gorgeous review of what we already agree on, and then add to that.

You can follow the entire teen parenting series:

How to Live with a Teenager Who Hates You The Journey Begins Metamorphosis- Part Two

Allusions, Throw Up, and Rejection- Part Three I Found a Condom! Teenagers and Sex- Part Four

An Unforgivable Message- Trampled and Pissed- Part Five

1- Guilt

So we talked about not being alone again. It’s not just me. I have done nothing wrong. And all was going really nicely, until a mom says something powerful. Something to the tune of:

“But what if I have done something wrong? What if I’ve done many somethings wrong? I’m absolving myself of any responsibility here? I’m supposed to hum a happy tune and skip on forward?”

Gorgeous. Thank you.

I love teaching human beings! Always, what I think is so picture-perfect. My fool-proof formula for success someone always has to come along and rattle and push and ruin, and she did so with perfect eloquence, which brought all of us to that next blessed level.

My turn:

There is a huge difference between guilt and responsibility. Huge. When I am guilty, first-off, energetically, I have no energy to do anything. I’m whipped. I’m face-drowning-in-the-mud beat and unable to collect myself, connect to my Higher Self and be a parenting leader. Guilt leaves me neutralized and powerless. Second off, like in the cycle of abuse where I’ll beat you up and then feel guilty, say sorry, and am now free to do it again, the cycle of guilt is sinister. Guilt, in addition to being a nice little ‘punishment’ that I inflict upon myself, which later gives me permission to again ‘commit the crime’ does nothing beneficial neither for me nor for my relationship with my child.

And I feel that if it’s not beneficial, don’t adopt it. (And this one though addictive and seductive and calling us in to feel like “caring parents”, not only is not beneficial but poisonously detrimental).

Responsibility, on the other hand, leaves us head high and looking forward. There is not a parent in the world that has not made mistakes. All of us, if we then (which could be two years ago or last night), if then we had the tools, the patience, the know-how, the energy to do it better; we would have. But we did not. And so, however awful it all came out, we did that best that we could summon at that very moment.

Beating myself up will get me nowhere but saying, “That was not acceptable. I want something else” is the start of a better future. From this step forward, I’m here, I’m learning, I’m seeking new information, I am taking responsibility to do something differently. from. here. from. now. looking. forward.

Responsibility is our new guilt.

2- Illusionary World

Yes it is one. We really do think Facebook profiles and all the other snapshots of social media life is real life and it. is. not. Neither are the movies, the music videos, the commercials, the models and rock stars. Neither are our own thoughts that everyone else’s life seems to be working. What’s wrong with me?

And so we went into that again and how it’s a real unfair deal for our teenage children to have to live under that much pressure to be something they simply cannot be. And how (**** here comes the new stuff****) even though I all want is to do is murder this monster for shitting emotionally all over me and being obnoxious and unappreciative and not helping and only complaining about me and every thing and every person in this household I MUST FIND SOMETHING POSITIVE TO SAY TO MY CHILD. EVERY DAY.

He has and he has to reject the parent he was once able to embrace, but in pushing us away, he has also lost his main source of security and reassurance that he is ok and that he is going to be ok. And though he treats us like he’s disgusted with us and though he acts like you don’t know anything and he’s not listening, he desperately needs to know from you that he is loved, that he is ok, that you see in him something beautiful.

Now, it is very, very, almost impossibly hard to hug thorns. I know. I know. God, I know. When you want to kick her out and when you don’t think you get through this next minute of her insanity; the very last thing you can imagine doing is finding kindness, being loving, showing affection, praising.

My daughter is a hysterical monster. Shrieking and destroying everything and everyone around her. She’s a bum at home. Does nothing. She’s rude and disgusting. At school, she does nothing. Skips classes, doesn’t study, hangs out with all the wrong kids. I can’t think of a single thing to praise.

I hear you. I really do. The entire group is laughing- the kind that comes with a pain that is way too close to home. We get you.

And yet (this blends in with what we’ll learn below about “The Baby Self”) your child will hear and will dearly hold on even the tiniest tidbit of praise from you. He needs it. And so, if you can’t find something yourself, “Son, I really like how those socks sit on you,” then ask someone outside of the house (like a teacher or counselor at school) who may have some insight into wondrous things about your child that you know nothing about.

Though you have twenty really nasty, frustrated, pent-up things you desire to yell at your child all at once and all in the arena of “look at your life! look at yourself! do something!”- your job as his parent is to say something kind and positive every day.

3- Emotional Throw Up

So, all the hard stuff comes down at home. The masks come off, we’ve removed our shoes, our bra, and can now stop holding in our stomachs. When your teenager’s reality says I-am-a-real-person-who-just-wants-to-breathe-at-home, that usually translates to us saying I-am-a-real-person-and-I-can’t-breathe-when-my-teen-gets-home. So here’s what we want to do about it. [****the new stuff****]

Create distance. Give him a room with a door that closed. Find him something to do outside of the house that is excels in. Our teens must have a productive place to let out all of their anger-at-being and if it’s not a youth group, sports, some after school activity, something positive; it will likely be ugly all over you at home.

Our kids need to taste success at something. Something. Something. Our job as parents is to guide them/push them somewhere in that general direction.

And if my kid’s an introvert and really needs down-time, quietly, alone at home?

Great. Buy him art supplies and let him YouTube videos and learn how to paint. Let him veg in front of technology for hours, but not if that becomes the end-all of who and what he is. (We’ll obviously have to discuss technology another day and the limits that should be there, even with teens.)

That teenage energy, that growing fire needs to be released. Your child must have some sort of athletic release to grow healthy. Your child must have some creative release so that all that hormonal bushfire will light up into something, anything, but infernos of hell at home.

Give him space. Leave him alone. Don’t (especially with boys) nag them into confrontation. Give. Them. Space. And. Create. Spaces. For. Release. In and outside of the home.

4. Rejecting the Parents

Yes, they must, and most of them actually do go through this ugly stage of rejecting all that you are so that they can find out who they are. It’s part of the teenage mandate to find me. First step is to push you, the closest bond they’ve had up until now, far, far away. This is to make space to find me. The lines, the identities have been so intermeshed until now, that now, now, now I have to figure out where and what and how I am, and considering that I know how flawed and incomplete that is, I just have to find flaws in the adults I worshiped until now. And then, only then, can I start to see that I will also make it in this big, bad, intimidating world ahead of me.

The new and imperative part here is that your child can and will find adults to get guidance from. They still desperately want that (but just not from you), and so, we want to encourage and trust them to find the right adults. Counselors or teachers at school, youth group leaders, sports coaches, mothers and fathers of friends…. There are great adults out there. Be sure your kids has contact with at least a handful of them. You push for the contact, that your child is out there, that someone sees him, and the rest, just trust. They will find the adult support that they need if they are pushed in the right direction for it.

The Baby Self

This baby stage is the meat of most of our turbulent issues at home with our kids. I’ve broken it into four parts.

a- Our teens (as well as us of course) wish to stay the baby. Love me, cuddle with me, take care of my every need, hold me, tell me I’m so perfect and beautiful and that everything will always be ok. That is one part of the baby and your child still remembers that in the not-so-far-away past. Mommy and Daddy used to make everything ok and I want that to stay forever. That’s part one of baby.

b- Part two of baby is the stronger adolescent voice that supremely rejects any traces of babyhood and baby-attachment desires. So while he’s wanting to be your baby, there is the megaphone in his head screaming with disgust at the very notion. This becomes center stage to an endless struggle between “I’m just a kid. Help me” and “I’m not a child. I am independent and don’t need you” and the two rage on incessantly.

That’s why one second you’re getting screamed at and attacked and the next, while you’re still licking your wounds, your teens comes up cheerfully to share with you the lyrics of her new favorite song. This leads us to part three of the baby.

c- The same teen who is now demanding more freedom and rights because she is no longer a child, will behave like a total infantile to the point that you truly feel like you must be hallucinating. Your ‘mature teen’ one minute will be talking about world peace and give these deep, thoughtful solutions for mankind’s darkest ignorance and the next will be screaming because someone drank from her cup of water.

The baby self emerges out of nowhere and your teen is suddenly throwing a teenage version of a full fledged temper tantrum.

It is insane. One mom with three kids already out of the house concluded that teenage-hood is a mental illness that passes in a few years. The baby has absolutely no awareness of itself. It can lie, cheat, steal, beg, manipulate, cry, scream, and throw tantrums and sees absolutely none of the insanity of it. The teenage baby self has to survive and does so, sporadically and violently, with zero self awareness.

d- The baby in the house is totally different than the mature, with-it teen outside of the house, and that can be confusing for us. We often feel this sense of hopelessness and failure because we’re no longer facing a small, mold-able child who we can optimistically see a long potential change-process ahead of him. No, this teenager-almost-adult is pretty much the finished product in terms of our contribution and what we see at home is a scary final product.

The baby self, with no consciousness and no need for any masks, is a home monster who only we see in this glaring light. The outside teen is more with-it, responsible, witty, energetic, and focused. This, the one we rarely see, is the truest reflection of who our child will become and it this outer child who reflects the amazing job we’ve done in raising our child to this stage in his life.

To find information (so that you can praise – like we discussed above) ask the adults who do see your child for any positive feedback that you can use at home to encourage your child’s awesomeness.

In addition, it is the baby self that does not want to do chores she’s been doing for the last forever quite drama-free. Because the outside teen has to put out so much energy functioning and impressing and making it out there, once he get’s home the baby self wants to sit and do nothing. I don’t want to do the tiniest chore, I don’t want to talk about my school work. I want you to leave me totally alone. And now.

[This does not mean you need to accept this as gospel and no longer demand things. You should, but we’ll talk about the how to that… later].

In Closing

We’ve got so much to learn, so much to learn, so much to learn. It’s an honor when one father says at the end of the session, “I want to be patient and listen more to my daughter” and another mother says, “I want to find the beautiful things in him that I can’t see now so that I can give a kind word.”

This is not an easy process but we’ve got these brave, amazing kids facing a tough reality; and we, the parents, can rise to the occasion too. The parents want solutions now to how do I get him to come home before 3 am and how do I respond when she bullies me. I want to answer yesterday and yet, as hard as this is, I tell them that after months and years of this really hard stuff, another two weeks won’t kill us, right?

We’re learning some really imperative foundations about how to understand and relate to my teen, and then, we will learn how to interact and discipline. I promise. I promise. Hold on.

So Many Geniuses, So Little Time

I’ve read dozens of parenting books and continue reading new ones with great passion and joy, always finding new gems to use and to share with others. This group, and the posts about parenting teens so far are coming 100% from Dr. Anthony Wolf’s Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? He’s genius. Glorious reading and so highly recommended. Thank you Dr. Wolf for being the Bible behind this group for me. Thank you.

You can follow the entire teen parenting series:

How to Live with a Teenager Who Hates You

How to Parent Out of Control Teens- The Journey Begins

How to Parent Out of Control Teens- Metamorphosis- Part Two

How to Parent Out of Control Teens- Allusions, Throw Up, and Rejection- Part Three

How to Parent out of Control Teens- I Found a Condom! Teenagers and Sex- Part Four

How to Parent Out of Control Teens- An Unforgivable Message- Trampled and Pissed- Part Five

and for the powerful photography used in this post, I thank the artistic geniuses that produce this work and grant others permission to use it. In order of appearance:

Hole in Window, Onion, Guilt- Hiding, Layers of Wood, Illusionary World, Thorns, Girl Yelling, Success or Failure, Hammer, Baby Feet on White, Little girl pouting, Pink pencil crayon, Flower on Book

And You

Wanna join our discussion? I’m smiling for you already have, even if you don’t comment hear. I’m getting lovely feedback from emails and Facebook messages saying, “Gabi, I’m reading and it helps” or “Now what?” so I hear you, any way you reach out to me, and also if you don’t, I hear you.

Feel free to sign up to the blog and you’ll get an email every time I post. That way you won’t miss even a single morsel of deliciousness.

Gabi is a certified trauma therapist, family communications expert, energy healer, and life coach with a Masters in Psychology. She shares her personal life stories and insights to inspire others to share their honest, neurotic selves and do all that is necessary to Clean Your Soul. She believes that all of us are on our journey from pain to the light, and by staying inspired and aware, we can all reach our fullest, cleanest, most beautiful free selves. Gabi takes a very limited number of one-on-one clients for transformational parenting, family, healthy life, and trauma therapy. You may reach Gabi directly at gabiklaf@gmail.com.

in Enlightened Learning, Parenting and Family Relations

Session one. Nervous chatter. They don’t know each other. They don’t know me. They don’t like this feeling of being vulnerable- I’m here cuz I don’t know how to parent my teenage child. I’m here cuz I need help. I’m here because I don’t know.…. That is not a remarkably comfortable place to be in, especially not for the dads, especially cuz it’s not your typical sandbox parenting issues, it’s tougher stuff. Stuff with consequences that weigh much more. Stuff that stings and sits on top of and abuses all of our deepest unresolved childhood issues and the shades of us we’re not proud of. It’s the stuff that says, “If my kid’s a teenager now, almost out of the house, and it’s too late to change anything and this is how he’s turned out then, clearly, I’ve failed in a huge, unforgivable way.”

Interestingly enough, most of the parents in the group have older kids currently in the army or even married and their biggest trouble is now with their youngest child who is a teenager. A few had younger kids at home, but most not. Some shared how impossible it was to live with their child and how they came because they needed someone to tell them how and what to do at home. Almost all felt this screaming, “My child hates me!”

We spoke mostly about five things that were extremely powerful:

1-Change Isn’t Meant to be Easy

The change process we are engaging in will not be an easy one.We will learn new ways of looking at our teen, new methods of communication, new and fitting forms of discipline that are dramatically different from what we have done until now. And because up until now, for better and for worse, we’ve interacted with our teen in an unspoken but powerful agreement on how we will interact; you, the parent, now coming home with something new is breaching that contract. The reaction will often be resentment and resistance, so that often, when we bring a change home to our families, the result is often that things get harder, before they get easier.

It is worth it. We are strong. We are unwilling to continue living under the current terms and therefore, we are ready to enter this change process.

2. You are Not Guilty

You have not done a bad job as a parent. This is your child’s story and his struggle with his life and all that he does is his as a teenager and we can help, but we do not need to feel alone, nor to blame.

Now that we know that we are not alone, that we are not guilty, that nothing is dramatically wrong with my teen and that he is going through this normal, though difficult, change process; I can now do two things. One- be less emotional about it. Don’t get so hurt by his words. Don’t be so floored and infuriated each time anew. Two- bring some humor into my home. Even to myself, instead of getting hurt, I can say to myself with a smile, “Here, she’s pushing away from Mommy. I see it perfectly”

I also reminded parents something from our introduction evening: Even though your child acts like he doesn’t want you in his life, he needs you in his life!

3-He is Not Good Enough

Your child is living in a world that tells him all the time that he is not good enough.All the social media show him happy, sexy, successful teens and adults and he just walks around until this enormous stress that he is not good enough and never will be. This allusion we live in today causes a great deal of stress, depression, and anger in our children. This, this unfairness they bring home and let go of at home. This frustration brings so much pain to us at home, where it is safe to put down the mask and let it go.

4- Expect the Unexpected

It is so impossibly hard to raise a teen when you never know what to expect and you cannot understand why they do what they do. It is frustrating and can drive you crazy when your teenager does not help around the house, only complains, picks fights, and treats you disrespectfully. It is even so hurtful and confusing when your child looks at you and speaks to you with disgust. (We began already to help parents understand this painful situation).

5- Metamorphosis

Your child’s role as a teen is to figure out how to make the transition from a child to an adult. As a child he could love you, depend on you, trust you to do and you could be everything in the world to him. Now that he has a great awareness of the world, he understands that he is about to be an adult and that is not good enough, has major flaws which means he will not make it. And so, he has to make it work in his head that adults are flawed so that he can come to terms with the fact that he too, as an adult, can be flawed, and so… he must push away from, reject, make the greatest distance he can from the adults in his life that he used to be allowed to be close to: his parents. This creates an endless and often ugly process of drama and fighting. As your teen pushes/pulls away from you, he loses his safety net, his closeness, his nest and now has to forge a new safe place which he seeks in friendships.

[Note: Your teen still desires adult approval and guidance but he is unable as yet to get it from you so he will seek and hopefully find wonderful adults outside the home to help him. Once he is stable in his budding sexuality and new identity with self, he can return, quite lovingly, to be in a positive relationship with you again.]

And You

You, beautiful you, blowing like these dandelions in the wind of darkness, bringing your light into your home, or at least, trying. Really, really hard. I’m getting emails and messages on Facebook saying “I’m reading” and would love to see it here in the comments too, so that others can join in. Or maybe you want to keep it just between you and I, or maybe you don’t want to react at all, but do some work inside.

Either way, I’m here and so happy to share. There will be more so you may want to sign up for the email notification each time I write something new. It’s in the sidebar. Or don’t, and find out, or don’t, when the winds are just right.

IT’S ALL PERFECT HOWEVER OR WHATEVER YOU DO OR DON’T. 🙂

Hugs from me the parent to you,

from me the little girl to you,

from me just me to you,

Gabi

This series begins with:

How to Live a Teenager Who Hates You

How to Parent Out of Control Teens- The Journey Begins

How to Parent Out of Control Teens- Allusions, Throw Up, and Rejection- Part Three

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A million thanks and credit to Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D, for writing so perfectly Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? I’ve read dozens of parenting books and found this one the best one for at least the first half of this parenting course for parents of teens. When we get to behavioral changes, we’ll bring others in, but, for now, his genius work brings the best foundations I can bring here. Highly recommended!

Gabi is a certified trauma therapist, family communications expert, energy healer, and life coach with a Masters in Psychology. She shares her personal life stories and insights to inspire others to share their honest, neurotic selves and do all that is necessary to Clean Your Soul. She believes that all of us are on our journey from pain to the light, and by staying inspired and aware, we can all reach our fullest, cleanest, most beautiful free selves. Gabi takes a very limited number of one-on-one clients for transformational parenting, family, healthy life, and trauma therapy. You may reach Gabi directly at gabiklaf@gmail.com.

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Photo credits to all these amazing geniuses who know how to use photography to portray what words simply cannot. Thank you for putting your work out there for others to use and get inspired from. In order of appearance:

Burnt light bulb

Time for Change Frog with suitcase

Leaf changing color

Statue Shamed

Yellow arrow turning on street

Shadow of Boy on Wall

Dandelions on Black background

“My 16 year old called me a slut. What am I supposed to do with that?”

“I’m a single mom . I’m scared of my teenage son’s rage. I don’t know what to do.”

“It’s constant tension in my house. You can’t live under shit all the time.”

Our kids were once young and small and then, one day it seems, we wake up to this sometimes-monster, this unappreciative, egotistical, rude, complaining parasite living in my home. And I look at this teenage person and I’m clueless how the hell this happened. Where I went wrong. What to do now. Overwhelmed. Frustrated. Seething mad. Hurt. Guilty.

I want a phenomenal relationship with this budding young adult. I want to admire him, encourage him, enjoy his company, share my life with him but it always seems to go deep south. It a matter of seconds, we hit pure insanity. An innoculous ‘good morning” could be the impromptus for World War Three. It’s unpredictable, usually ugly, and so exhausting.

So, the chit chatting stopped. Heads were nodding. Little grunts and laughs of agreement. We were firing on the exact same frequency and rode that wave of electricity regally. They were totally mine. I knew it; they knew it; the staff knew it. We were going to engage in this journey and face all the unspoken hopelessness they were clueless about. We had already begun this quest for answers. And not lacy, nicey ones; but real, raw, now kind of answers. The kind of answers that catapult you from frustration and insanity to gloriousness.

This one would be different- impossibly challenging and equally blessed. Usually my groups are for parents of younger kids or a mixed group of parents with different needs. Usually, we can leisurely share our pain, find normalcy in our commonality, and embrace change from the foundations, up, with grace. Not here.

Here, October 31, 2016 will be the Monday night where it gets really real. We’re going to roll up our sleeves and get down to some serious was-an-emergency-last-year kind of business.

Here’s a homogenous group of parents to teenagers who have been kicked out of the system, who are half a step away from dropping out. Mostly low socioeconomic families with complicated life histories who have kids whose lives have been nothing close to simple. Because of extreme social ineptness, ADHD side-effects, low cognitive ability, poor academic performance, or acute behavioral issues; these kids cannot learn in a normal classroom and thus ended up here, the Branko Weiss School in Kiryat Shemona. The very last stop.

For many years now, the school has tried (and failed) to conglomerate a parenting group. The principal and VP told me I needed to be razor sharp and reach them, convince them in a few short minutes that this is it. I was granted this one tiny window to wow them into participation. Nervous I was and fully pumped to get right into their guts.

[Twenty minutes later]

My heart jumped as I saw this stampede rush over to the sign up table. We did it!

There is this common frequency of pain that begs for resolution. This is where we were that night.

I spoke of how these kids never got their lives served to them on a silver platter. How these kids didn’t waltz around with a chip on their shoulder tasting the sweet fruits of success from day to day. No, these kids faced a darker reality, one in which others shined and they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with them. Everyone on Facebook and Instagram look so perfect, so happy, so normal- what’s wrong with me? Everyone in school has their shit together- what’s wrong with me? And then they come home, take off the mask and let all of their frustrations on the unfairness of their lives explode onto you and your family.

One mom felt that it was too late to make any changes. That it was just too late. And though we’ve all felt like that a lot of the times, I think my answer hit home:

“Your teenagers’s actions may make it clear that he doesn’t want you in his life but he does need you in his life.”

He needs you to be a parenting leader. To create a healthy, loving and effective system of communication that is not based on bribes or threats. To set limits. To express in actions and words, in no uncertain terms that you are an entity worthy of respect. That you won’t interrupt me, take my things without permission, speak disrespectfully to me. You won’t steal my money and you will help around this house that you live in. We spoke of how we need, as parents, to teach our kids how to be adults. How hard that is, how complicated it is, how impossibly crucial it is. Starting now.

An Intersection

Even as I prepare to teach this class, I think of those moments where I’ve sunk into my own emotional despair facing my own teenage children. Maybe that’s why we really connected that night. Cuz I have three teenagers at home. I have looked at Kobi before and asked why the hell did we have kids in the first place. I’ve tasted utter insanity, moments of heated escalation in which you don’t even understand how you got there or what you’re fighting about in the first place. I told them how my kids can push on my buttons to the point where I’m ready to kill someone, and yet, I’m learning and growing and developing thanks to my kids and the challenges they place before me.

We spoke of those brief and glorious moments of light in which we know we’ve raised them right, in which we know that everything is going to just fine. We spoke of knowing that as teens, it is their job to push away from us, and how, later, they can come back to be more loving, less get-out-of-my-life angry.

And so I’m deeply grateful for this group, for that group, and every group, and every therapy and coaching client, brings me information, helps me grow, comes exactly because they need me and I need them, to learn whatever strength and clarity is needed to overcome whatever specific challenge there is to face. And in everyone’s story is also our story, and in everyone’s change process there is inspiration and motivation to spark self-change too.

And so we’re going to start this course so very soon and my heart leaps in excitement and joy. They will learn; I will learn. Their families and homes will benefit; my family and home will benefit. The same God-sent non-profit also assigned me a group of religious mothers and their 5th and 6th grade girls. Body awareness, sexuality, and how to change that awkwardness and silence to healthy communication. I’ll teach 6 sessions with the moms while another facilitator works with the girls. Then the last two meetings I teach moms and girls together.

I’ve been assigned other groups that challenge and excite me as well:

Sex, drugs, alcohol and raising awesomeness in teens for youth group leaders

Moms after birth on all that comes with that new role

Single mom’s self actualization, thriving and parenting

Single Mothers- My Heroes

I taught a single mom’s course last year and it was the most emotionally gratifying thing on this planet. We had mom’s who’s husbands threatened their lives, who slept with a knife under the pillow, who had debts of tens of thousands because there was no child support, there were court fees and she was never the breadwinner. Moms who cleaned houses and desperately tried to keep food in the fridge and not get her son kicked out of basketball because she was four months behind on the payments.

We spent the first half of the course just crying, sharing, allowing the ladies to become a circle of loving support and strength. I tried a few times to teach life skills, techniques of actualization, ways to be a clear parenting leader- and they just couldn’t. They were overwhelmed by life and needed first to vent, to release, to create some precious space of emptiness before we could input new information.

The second half, we were able to gain new insights, tools, skills, life-outlooks that took us from victim to victor, from-my-life-is-so-hard-and-I-can’t-do-this to I-am-strong-and-able-and-nothing-will-stand-in-my-way-to-create-a-sane-and-beautiful-life-that-my-children-and-I-deserve. The transformation process was so full of light, accompanied by so much laughter, so many tears, so much hugging, and loving, and we’ve-got-your-back-girl presence that it changed all of us forever. We haven’t spoken in months, yet we all know we’re there for each other. Every once in a while someone will send a small hello message and the group’s what’s up, and the girls all hug back.

And So

Whatever the obstacle we face now… Bring. It. On. We’re ready to learn. We can do this. Always, always, always we find the path. The right teacher, the right course, the right insight deep in our darkest crevices that guides us through the tough stuff and into our own mini-milestoned light-bathes of glory. Tiny split seconds of success in which I didn’t blow up, I didn’t lose control, I didn’t lose my connectedness with myself and something else transpired. That split second choice, that tenacity, that diverted insanity is evidence of my power, and it is to there that I paddle my boat, one stroke at a time, until, eventually, I’m gliding through the waters and what was so mechanical and forced becomes automatic and natural, and God-damn-it I’ve risen above what I thought I couldn’t it. And I’ll look back at 6 months ago, or two weeks ago, and realize that I’m not the same person, and that I’ve tapped into some well of wisdom and strength that wasn’t ready to be utilized ten minutes ago, and now it is. And in this empathic step I shall focus my all, and be proud, and take a deep breathe, and march forward, one tiny victory and growth at a time.

Amen

And You

Had those moments of confusion and doubt facing your own parenting? Felt that helplessness before your child? Have you found your path for clarity and strength? Breathing any better knowing that you’re not alone and that you can and will do this like a champ. You will. I’m here. I see you. I know you will.

Who Is Gabi Klaf?

And so it is, sometimes, or maybe all the time but we just don’t fully realize it… You’re this leaf, vibrant, swaying in the breeze, feeling so alive and lush and moist…. and then you fall, it all does, all at once, and you find yourself in a labyrinth of dryness, death, decay, and darkness. And as you lay there, with all the wind knocked out of you still trying to understand where alive went, you learn. You learn that this is also beautiful. You learn that this is also growth. You learn that this will catapult you on your spiritual journey much more than peace and serenity did. And so you breathe into this, too, and find out how this too can be alive, in different shades and from different directions than you planned but all the same, alive.

And so I’m going through all the lovely and gross, gently high and sharply low, and beautiful shades of being a mom, loving myself, and finding my way. It’s truly exquisite.

“On the whole, tho’ I never arrived at the Perfection I had been so ambitious of obtaining, but fell far short of it, yet as I was, by the Endeavor, a better and a happier Man than I otherwise should have been if I had not attempted it.”

— Benjamin Franklin, The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin

Old Friends

A dear old friend reemerged in my life for a moment and wanted to introduce me to what inspires her. She’s pointing me to Gretchen Rubin [the above quote in an email she sent out] and though I’m not ready yet for new information from a new source, I know, I know, I know that when I’m ready I will adore her referrals to Gretchen, Brene Brown, Kristin Neff, and Martin Seligman (who I enjoyed like twenty years ago). Right now, I’m staying with my old friends, the old and dear authors you have guided and inspired me. Author friends like Andrew Weil, Jack Kornfield, Michael Singer, and Louis Hay. And really, I think the main reason that I’m not open to new friends is that I’m offline, almost totally and my authors I have in paperback right here and all of her’s will require me to be online, which I’m not ready for. Yet.

Off-line

And this is a returning theme that I struggled with in Nov 2011 with My Biggest Travel Mistake, and again in Dec 2014 with The Other Letter and so many more intense moments in between and before and after, like these three videos from 2015 [if you only watch one, I guess, go with part two]:

1- Off the Stage and Social Media- part one

2- Off the Stage and Social Media- part two

3- Off the Stage and Social Media- part three

Being Offline

Being offline for me is this photo… It’s lush and cold and inspiring; it’s cuddling inwards, wrapping myself in my own here and now approval and not getting overwhelmed and lost once I go out there. It’s inspiring and with so much more to discover, in silence. Yes, it’s very quiet here, and I thirst for it like a drunk for his next fix, but with the difference that I’m not addicted, not so focused on that that the noise of raising three kids and regular family life are not a distraction from my peace of mind. On the contrary, it becomes the focus.

Can I find my path with heart also in the bruised and bustling confusion of a household of five ADHD bumblebees, all dramatic, all working through their own issues and all meeting here, in the living room, to have it out and find out how to be beautiful regardless of how much we’re feeling like a victim, or feeling unattractive, or unworthy, or lost? Can I find my path with heart and fight for it like a warrior while fully living in my life with all the uncontrollable-ness and emotional unpredictability of it all?

A Path with Heart

“Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself and yourself alone one question. This question is one that only a very old man asks. My benefactor told me about it once when I was young and my blood was too vigorous for me to understand it. Now I do understand it. I will tell you what it is: Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good. If it doesn’t, it is of no use. “- Don Juan to Carlos Castaneda

And so I’m reading A Path with Heart by Jack Kornfield, a few pages or sometimes a few lines at a time, thus allowing myself time for silent reflection. So in writing about the path, he says:

In modern life we have become so busy with our daily affairs and thoughts that we have forgotten this essential art of taking time to converse with our heart. When we ask it about our current path, we must look at the values we have chosen to live by. Where do we put our time, our strength, our creativity, our love? Does what we are choosing reflect what we most deeply value? – Jack Kornfield

And I look at my life and all the teachings I have been honored to receive or read from teachers and the lessons my life as a sample size of one have given me, and it’s totally clear now that every single time I sought admiration or fame, every time money was my primary goal or focus or worry, every time I got so wrapped up in a passion that I missed the here and now; I got lost. I lost myself, I lost my kids, and I lost being and appreciating the life and the smallest and huge things that make me so blessed.

And So

Set up a desk in the yard in the shade

Lighting candles… not waiting for any special occasion… Just today, any day, every day is worthy of sacred.

I know I am meant to be

-in the light of my children’s remarkable growth– hiccups and all, and rise to the occasion as a mother of three fascinating teens

-in the light of my health– and listen to my body and soul and dance and do what makes it most alive and clutter free and flexible

-in the light of my couplehood– and honor this intimate reflection of growth and support and learning in a friendship and romance of over 22 years

-in the light of my home– cleaning and simplifying (also reflecting internal work) and breathing into projects that excite us and make our home more light-filled and thus increasing the rental potential on weekends and holidays

-in the light of my garden– growing, tending for, creating, cleaning- again, like on the inside; and cuddling as a ritual with cat number three as the sun breaks through the night sky

-in the light of guiding others– which I am doing with modesty and joy through a marvelous non-profit I work for that brings parenting classes to staff and parents, and private clients

And in the light of learning to lean into my forties and celebrate and appreciate all the growth, all the emotional confusion and then the relieved clarity, and knowing that really, deeply, truly everything always will be ok and that we will get through it all, and can choose to take that path with as little drama, and with as much humor and appreciation and wisdom as possible. Amen

To your health, and happiness, and growth… Cheers!

Your Turn

Speak, or don’t. I’m here. I get it.

PS: The post is called Rebirthing Myself for I meant to integrate into this my first rebirthing experience… but we’ll save that for another writing-inspired day. I felt the title still fit. 🙂

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Thank you for all the art in the world, all the songs and poems, all the photographers and artists, all the dreamers who hear the inspiration and bring it down from way up there to way down here. I’m thrilled and so inspired by their works and am so grateful to include great photography and quotes in my writing. In order of appearance…

Leaf on tree stump

Silhouette on man with stars

Forest with Fog

Woman gazing into sun

Butterflies dance and play before me. They flit and flutter and flirt with my soul. They always have, they always do. Sometimes, I just don’t see them. I’m a good student here on Earth School. I’ve failed several times and keep coming back to learn, EVER SO SLOWLY, my blessed lessons. I’ve been missing the butterflies cuz I keep going off somewhere else. Emotionally that is. Physically I’m very much in the room with you, or my kids, or my husband; but, emotionally I’m off far, far away in the past, the present, or in rejecting What Is.

I’ve long stopped believing that this product or that one would make me happy. I’ve long stopped holding my breath for this amount of money or fame to make me truly satisfied. I’ve graduated at least to grade three or four now. I’m currently figuring out that this course, this guru, this healing method, and that relationship won’t fix me. I still think people will make me whole and I’m desperately holding onto the idea that this exercise/diet/method will bring me a body that will be so damn sexy I won’t find any fault with it.

And now, I’m getting it. So many angels later, so many holograms smacking me upside the face later and I’m slowly getting it that I’VE ARRIVED ALREADY!

I Already Am

I don’t need to get healthy. I already am.

I don’t need to get sexy. I already am.

I don’t need to get happy. I already am.

I don’t need to make enough money. I already am.

I don’t need to learn this to make me calm. I already am.

Of course I’m not that perfect at every given moment but the point is that it’s not the future, somewhere after I’ve done, attained, read, learned, changed but now, it’s already arrived. I just didn’t see it cuz I was busy looking for it, seeking it, searching desperately for That Which Is in me.

Yes, I need to act in ways that promote Who I Am. But, I don’t have to seek, to hold my breath with the hopes that I’ll get there. I AM ALREADY THERE.

What Does That Change In My Life

That I can let go of the addiction to pain, to believing that I’m an emotional basket case, to truly knowing that I’m ‘Fucked Up’ but so it is.

That I can be joyful and not feel that there is something lacking or incomplete in me and therefore I can’t fully Be Joy.

That I can continue to learn whatever I want but not from a desperate seeking of salvation but from a curiosity and joy that comes with learning.

That I can eat healthy food and doing juice fasts or eat raw as I want to because I deeply believe it is good for my body and not because I am desperately adhering and suffering through another lifestyle change so that I can be What I Am Not and not from the fear that if I don’t I shall become What I Am Not.

That I can eat and do what I want, when I want and live free spirited with the natural flux in the ebb and flow of my body and the changes that occur, and live guilt-free, fear-free, criticism-free and simply enjoy. And that through that energy of Is (and not from the energy of Is Not) I can grow and become my most beautiful, fullest self (and also the most sexy self)!

That I can live in my sexuality and believe in my own mojo of Who I Am without seeking external gratification and feedback telling me that which I already know.

How do you keep track of your butterflies? What have you done for your health today? Are you also just arriving, just around the corner, going to be complete/whole/happy when you just get there? Damn it, aren’t you sick of putting yourself on hold? Speak. Or don’t. I hear you either way.

Chronic pain will not be my calling card.’ Used to be healthy’ or ‘one day will be healthy’ won’t be either. Already Arrived! Now that’s a calling card. Good day loves.

Photo credits: Bahman Farzad, Bahman Farzad, and @Doug88888,

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One Cool Movie About Gabi’s Parenting Work

Gabi is a certified trauma therapist, family communications expert, energy healer, and life coach with a Masters in Psychology. She shares her personal life stories and insights to inspire others to share their honest, neurotic selves and do all that is necessary to Clean Your Soul. She believes that all of us are on our journey from pain to the light, and by staying inspired and aware, we can all reach our fullest, cleanest, most beautiful free selves. Gabi takes a very limited number of one-on-one clients for transformational parenting, family, life, and trauma therapy. You may reach Gabi directly at gabiklaf@gmail.com, subject line: coaching inquiry.

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THE IMPOSSIBILITY OF DOING NOTHING: That’s what’s so hard here. Not only do I feel totally frustrated. You may as well put me in diapers now. It’s maddening to be constantly correcting yourself over things that you never, ever even gave thought to. And it’s stuff in your face all day long. Remember, I cannot sit, stand, walk, or pick up things correctly. That’s a shitload of correctiveness for one person. And then- the exercises.

A- They are not exercises that I can do and check off my to do list. They are a way of life. Well damn, that’s never getting checked off is it?

B- It’s not Eye of the Tiger go do it! Be strong! Conquer. That’s what got me into a lot of this mess, or exasperated it times 300. My way to get over my addiction was to run, work out, push myself, tone up like a madman. And I was.

Lima, Peru, midday heat. Every day, almost without exception. Every two-three days, I pushed myself further and further. I was running about 75 minutes in blazing heat in hiking boots on concrete sidewalk. OK, saying it now sounds so stupid, but then, even when it got to the point that I could not walk upstairs, then, it was my savior. Sweat it off, push it off, another 300 sit-ups will wear the desperation down.

You know I could have picked one addiction for another, which is what I did, but at least this one wasn’t cocaine or something that would have made me more insane. And I’d never stretch cuz that required grace, which I had none of. Stretching would be releasing, which I could not. So I held it all in. All of it. And everything else that ever hurt, all tucked up in my muscles, and slowly, slowly system after system of my body collapses. And what do I do?

I push harder, faster, eat less, raw food more, run longer, add another 500 sit ups, and some thigh and butt exercises. Cuz that will burn it all up. The problem is, it didn’t. It made the tension, the knots, the mass of muscle bundle unflexing, totally unforgiving.

And how could I expect it to forgive me when I never let him come up for air?

So, now, no more eye of the tiger, no more another 300, no more push, do, burn baby burn. No, now it’s sit, lie there, imagine, be, do nothing, fill it with light, be your own center of grace and wisdom and be, be, be. No to do lists, no multi-tasking as I help the kids with their homework or compose my next blog post. No. Damn it. None of that. I must practice the art of being and for hours a day, if I want to do the work that I require.

It’s always easier when the body screams, you don’t listen, and then she shuts down. She makes you listen. And mine has been screaming for so long. Bloating, inability to release due to extreme constipation, killed knees, lower back pain, an umbilical hernia, and still I pushed forward. So now, yes, it would be easier if I were in bed with a killer headache that forces me to listen. But, it’s like walking depression (totally what I had. It’s when you don’t stay in bed for 2 weeks at a time and fit to a tee all the other symptoms of classic depression based on the DMS-IV). No walking depression is when you get out of bed and feed the kids and carry on all of your tasks, but you’re dead inside. Walking depression.

So, now, I look normal and perky and smile and dance and act normal. I am normal. But I am ill. Very ill. My body is ill and I need to fix it, with all of my heart and all of my soul and with everything I know how to do as an energy healer and therapist. And the easiest thing to do, what I’m doing even know as I write, is stay busy and stay productive and do. But no, I must not do. I must lie there and loosen my soul and my muscles and my tension by not doing. And like in Vippasana, when thoughts, lists, insights enter, I need to allow them to pass, like a cloud, and focus on my visualizations of release and flow and light.

Goodbye tension is stressful for I can’t do it away, I must be it away. And so here I go, again, to lay there and be in my body and release. Again, one minute after the next. I can do this. I can. I can. can.

It’s part of a healing series: When Your Body Doesn’t Do What You Want It To. I’m sharing the entire journey to document it for myself (because I WILL be victorious in this battle) and to inspire others to learn, grow, face it, overcome this physical pain, that emotional deep-rooted issue, this addiction, and that insanely normal every-day family life situation.

Part One: Mommy Tummy and Other Plumbing Frustrations

Part Two: Greatfulness, Overwhelm, and Determination

Part Three: What the Hell do I do with Myself

Part Four: Falling Apart, Relearning Everything & What Happens When you Mess With the Psoas

Part Five: Overwhelm After the Confidence Wanes