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  • Part 4: My Addiction: Getting to Grief

    “Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” – Rumi

    Have I told you lately how much I love Rumi. Rumi’s my man. He does it for me. Thank God for Rumi. In any moment of despair, confusion, lostness…. there is always a Rumi quote to push me back up. And so, I sit here grieving. Grieving a dream that will never actualize. But Rumi says that it will come around in another form… and if Rumi says, he knows. Let’s talk about grief. It’s hard, heavy, thick, choking and very necessary, but not always.

    I went to visit her in the week of mourning her husband’s death. I didn’t know her so well. Sometimes I had to think twice to remember her name. She had one of those hard names to remember. I knew him better. He died slowly, and suffered from a really tough battle with cancer; a battle that ended with him moving into their home to die in the arms of his family. And she was calm, totally calm. Like in a movie calm. She knew that his suffering was over, that her girls got to be there for their dad and held his hand until he died peacefully in their bedroom. She said the morning after, she woke up early and walked into the kitchen, and saw the dawn’s rays shining through the branches of the tree beyond, and she knew, she knew that the world was a kind and beautiful place.

    It is from her, from that moment of standing there with tears running down my face, that I knew I needed to study Humanology (formerly called Neo-Psychology). I studied for over two years and it has changed my life and the lives of hundreds I have helped through it.

    And yet, I sit here consumed in my own grief over an intimate, dear friendship that no longer has a place in my life. And I grieve, full heartedly. And I know, and Rumi knew, that she knew that in that void other wonderful things will emerge. That in the space that her husband occupied, other wonderful things will now blossom. And I know, I know that in the void of the deep friendship I am mourning, that other beautiful things will emerge. Like those lovely Costa Rican jungle mushrooms that are because of the decay of another; life will bring me other gifts that grow off of the remains of what was.

    So, as you watch me suffer, and be sad, and feel sorry for myself in my very personal, very painful loss; know these things:

    1- That is is OK, perfectly OK to mourn and be sad. Grief is a natural part of moving on.

    2- That I know after I’ve had enough of my drama and pain, that I will grow. But only, when I am ready.

    3- That other beautiful things will grow from the ashes of this burnt dream, also.

    4- That we all need to let our emotions out and look at them, in order to heal and move on to the next beautiful development and learning that awaits us.

    This is part of a 9-part series where I am really real, sharing my deepest darkest moments, in the hope that this too will inspire others and strengthen me in our journies. The rest of the series is here, waiting for you to read, watch, and discuss with me. :=)

    Part 1- My Addiction: Consumed by Desire Part 2- My Addiction: Terrifying Truths

    Part 3- My Addiction: Withdrawal Part 4- My Addiction: Getting To Grief

    Part 5- My Addiction: Seeing the Light Part 6- My Addiction: Basking In My Own Light

    Part 7- My Addiction: Ricochets of Pain Part 8- My Addiction: Cleaning The Core

    Have you ever had to face grief and mourning? Was it over a job you knew you were going to get, a big deal about to close, the physical death of someone you loved, or an emotional death that took part of your soul with it? Did you allow yourself that blessed space to suffer? Did you feel alone, or did you find support and comfort?

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    Gabi is a certified trauma therapist, family communications expert, energy healer, and life coach with a Masters in Psychology. She shares her personal life stories and insights to inspire others to share their honest, neurotic selves and do all that is necessary to Clean Your Soul. She believes that all of us are on our journey from pain to the light, and by staying inspired and aware, we can all reach our fullest, cleanest, most beautiful free selves. Don’t miss a single chance to be inspired. Gabi takes a very limited number of one-on-one clients for transformational parenting, family, life, and trauma therapy. You may reach Gabi directly at gabiklaf@gmail.com.

  • Part 3: My Addiction:Withdrawal

    I had helped people with withdrawals before. I had a fascinating young man named Mark who though in and out of prison, stayed true to his drug addiction; a father of three who lost his wife and kids because he couldn’t stop playing cards with the guys; and a beautiful young woman who couldn’t go back to her husband after her affair left her with a new taste/a new light in her life that she just was not willing to let go of. And now, as I face the metaphorical death of a dear, intimate friend; I get it. Now, I see how painful that withdrawal is and how we lose perspective of our lives in the face of our desires.

    In this video, I’m breaking down. I can’ t do this anymore. I can’t handle the waves of helplessness that keep overcoming me. I say I can’t handle it (in a moment of weakness), but the truth is, I can, and I am. Since my last recording, I’ve had panic attacks that have knocked me off my feet. Out of nowhere, out of a thought came a freight train of helpless wanting that knocked the breath out of me stronger than I knew what to do with. And as my chest tightened, my heart literally closed down, I couldn’t breath; I kept saying “Come on. Bring it on. Make it as big as you can, I can handle it. ” and again, “Come on. Say how badly your desire is consuming you. Believe it. Know that you are nothing without this in your life. Fully feel the nothing.”

    And it was so scary. Like the moment before you know that next contraction is about to begin, but you face it, cuz you don’t have a choice. But really, you face cuz you are strong enough to face it.

    And so, I go through my withdrawal as painful as it is. And I found that after those three dreadfully huge ones, the ones that have followed are much milder. And though I brace myself each time for the worst, the worst; it does not come. I invite it to envelope/consume me and it builds up, but I am surprised that it dies early. It dies before it consumes Lima, or South America; sometimes, it even dies before it fills up the room, or even me. And I’m so proud of me, so proud of my strength in this emotionally exhausting process.

    And my withdrawal is so personally tragic for me, so so painful; and I am grateful for it. For also, in the middle of this hell, I am learning. I am learning how strong I am, how able I am to face the most terrifying there is, and come out the victor (damn it!).

    Have you faced a withdrawal (physically and emotionally) that beat your body and soul to a pulp? Were you strong enough to stand the waves that crashed upon you? Did they consume you/madden you, like mine are maddening me? Did you get desperate too? What held you onto the ground? What kept you from losing it? Did you decide it was time to seek help, that you no longer want to face this alone?

  • Part 2: My Addiction: Terrifying Truths

    First off, have a good laugh for I am in the bathroom, and I know that it looks like I’m actually on the toilet. (Didn’t think that one through before I started the recording!) I have found lately that the bathrooms here in the hostel are my best bet for a quiet recording. And so, here we are, intimate as ever, right?

    And now, to our business…Yet again, here we are, going through this process. I am facing a desire that I cannot have, a desire that is consuming me. And I’ve decided to face this head on and look it in the eyes. And in here, you can hear the pain, you can hear the utter insanity including giving up my life, dying in order to have my desire.

    And I must admit to you now that this is a scary process but one that you can certainly do alone, by yourself, or with the help of a trusted friend. Or, if facing that is too scary for you, you need to find a therapist you trust and get help. So, with the help of another or by yourself; you simply let the desire voice its full tenor, you allow, you actually invite the desire to be all-encompassing and say/be/do/wish to its fullest fire. And as it drowns you, as it overtakes all that you are; you hold on and know that you are strong enough to stand it/to witness it. You allow it to grow as big as it needs, and just watch… it will dissipate.

    As soon as we allow the emotional brain to express himself, as soon as we allow the emotional self that legitimate space that it needs; it can make the room for something else. I’ve done a similar exercise that also works wonders from Brandon Base’s The Journey. You can read more about her work on her site. In it you invite yourself to feel each emotion that arises to the fullest, and then look beyond at the next emotion. As you go through the layers, you reveal the core of your pain, and eventually, find peace. It is marvelous as well.

    Have you ever felt drowned by your desires? Have you ever faced something that you wanted so badly, that we were willing to forgo everything, just to have it? Have you stood at the brink of that dark pit and allowed yourself to fall/allowed yourself to enter that despair and see what happens? Did you know that you, like me, are strong enough to face your unhealthy desires? You are. Share with me.

  • Part 1: My Addiction: Consumed by Desire

    Part of learning is sometimes so very painful. You know that; I know that too. And here I am, in pain, great overwhelming pain, for I have a desire that won’t be met. There is something in my life that I so desperately want, and yet, it will not be. And so, I am shooting a deluge of energy into an allusive dream which creates in me this abyss of misery.

    I am miserable, and in this stage of the game; it sucks. So, I wish to live what I teach, I want to always have the integrity to say “I will do what I tell my clients to do” . And so, I reached that point that I am no longer willing to suffer. I no longer want to continue the drama of suffering in my life, because (frankly) it hurts too much, the cost is too great. In this eight-part series, I share with you the entire journey through desire and how (in such small, baby steps) I pulled myself out of an addiction. When our desires consume us they become addictions- addictions as griping and painful as heavy drug addiction. An addiction that requires a very slow (sometimes excruciating) withdrawal.

    And so, dear friends, here I am, yet again, with my heart on my sleeve. I can’t expect you to be real with me, if I’m not real with you. I can’t expect you to find the courage to face your greatest challenges, if I am unable to model that for you. And surely, I can’t expect you to share/trust/grow and learn with me, if I’m not a breathing/bleeding/sometimes foolish and lost soul too.

    And anyhow, this helps me so much. Sharing, bringing my pain journey, my growth, my learning out to this open discussion; brings me more strength than I can say. No matter what we are going through, friends, no matter what we have done; there is no shame. No shame, no guilt, no self-loathing, no shame, no shame. There is only growth and learning.

    Consumed by Desire-My Addiction- Part 1 is mostly about labeling it correctly, about understanding that what I am doing, that where I am stuck is so very unhealthy. This first step of awareness prepares me for facing what is ahead.

    Do you know what it feels like to be consumed with something just out of your reach? Have you ever felt those desperate thoughts choke you (literally) with a helplessness that drives you mad? What did you do? What did you learn about yourself as you underwent this life-or-death process? Were you able to identify it as the unhealthy addiction that it was? And did that help you breathe?

  • Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This

    “Mama said there’d be days like this. there’d be days like this my mama said.”
    – Diana Ross

    From my private journal:
    what a morning, what a last few weeks! i feel like i want them to get away from me, far far away from me. and i know they are adorable, and i know they only need my guidance, and i know they look up at me and don’t understand where their patient, loving, mother is. they look up now and see someone upset, beside herself, disgusted, rejecting, repulsed, and totally unsympathetic. not a nice family picture, i know. but this is what i have right now. no good reason like major stress, money problems, health issues, marital tension.i am feeling very uncomfortable with the weight i’ve gain the last few months. that is not sitting well with me at all. but still, nothing really strong that justifies my intense need to escape them. i’m finding myself these days saying all the things you’re never supposed to tell your kids. i’m belittling, nagging, scolding, threatening, being sarcastic, being ugly on purpose….

    oh, what an awful feeling. awful. when i hit these places i know to do three things that will make a difference. i guess i’ve enjoyed this gross place enough cuz i’ve started to do these things. i guess i’m ready to do something else with my loved ones- other than reject and fight with them.
    so, my one, two, three formula to get out of this place:
    1- Focus on the Core of the Pain- Me

    spend time doing things good for me, walk, read, talk with a friend, do something fun that refills my batteries and reconnects me with me. (i’ve been exhausted lately. takes a lot of energy to hate everyone around you. takes tons of energy to feel stuck and miserable.very exhausting stuff.) so, i signed up for yoga twice a week in the mornings, walking another twice a week, and yesterday i started calling friends i haven’t talked to for months. i needed to hear their love, needed to share my feelings and hear them aloud.
    the second part of focus is looking deep within myself to find the core of my pain. this is only within me. is it my self-criticism about my body and the weight i’ve gained? is it nervousness about our up-coming trip where we’ll be with the kids all the time and i fear i will lose my identity and my time alone? is it being overwhelmed by all that my business requires and feeling very strongly that i’m not managing my time right and thus not seeing the results i want? it is all of these and full volume. i have work to do within myself to calm these storms. to look within them, feel them fully, and do the work required to release them.
    2- Bring Clarity Into My Life
    there are so many sticky places in our lives right now that i dread to enter. i realized that our mornings suck, showers are nightmares, going to bed is too long and painful, and weekends at home with the kids all day is hell. i know i’ve very wise and sharp to notice, but something is not going right in our family. something is very very off tilt. we usually love being together. what is going on?
    what is not working in our routines, our communication? are there new needs in our family? my eldest? me? my husband? we need to change our family’s communication and routines based on the changing needs of our family members. needs have changed here but we’re continuing to do the same. time to reevaluate what we all need and see how those needs get met. frustrated people are frustrated family members and the explosions are not pretty.

    once we see what needs are off, we will want to make changes. family meeting time. how will the morning be different. what happens at night. how we handle our responsibilities at home. how we communicate to each other, also in anger. we will talk and share and decide and be CLEAR. lack of clarity brings about more frustration into a home than anything. what happens, when, and how and what happens when it does not happen. CLARITY when every member of our family knows fully and can act from that accurate information.

    3-Enter New Information Into The System.
    when the information we have swimming around in our souls is sour, we tend to recycle it over and over again. “my life sucks, i’m stuck, i’m no good, i’m guilty, it’s not fair, i’m not appreciated.” and we can say it to ourselves unconsciously 1000 times a day. better still, we seek evidence that our thoughts are justified. “see, he’s talking to me like that! again, i knew i was an awful mom!” we want to enter new information into the system. i suggest doing this in three ways
    a- find a book that inspires you, that guides you, that gives you the information that you want to be using in your daily life. at times like this, i grab any of the dozens of parenting and self-healing books around the house and start reading. last night i began rereading How to Talk So You’re Kids will Listen and Listen So You’re Kids will Talk by Mazlich and Faber and i’m in love, again. their information works for me, centers me, enlightens me. you may turn to a website (like thegiftofparenting.com) or any other which inspires you, brings you back to the light inside of you.
    b- observe your kids from the side and rediscover how amazing and precious and beautiful they are. cuz they really really are. when i watch them from the side, look at their artwork, listen to their conversations, watch them eat from another room, i begin to SEE them again. see their beauty, their light, their angel dust.
    c- actively record the blessings in your life. when we get bummed out we only see the black and the gray. we forget, we become blind to all the golden, all the breath-taking array of color. when you make lists of your blessings in a journal, a blog, to a friend, to yourself you begin to see it again. the color begins to seep back into your life. and then, finally, you can smile.

    so, i’ve written it out. now to print it, put it on the fridge and to walk the talk. i’m ready.
    thanks for letting me share that. i feel much better now.