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As I work on rebuilding myself, on recreating the ‘who I am’ without some strong external influence supporting that; I find I need help. I need something to inspire my soul, to push me forward when I feel like sinking down between the rocks of despair. That, exactly that, is what we are meant to do, over and over and over again in our lives. We are meant to redefine, rediscover, rebirth ourselves. We are not meant to grasp to those roles, accomplishments, relationships that define who we are. We are meant to go faaaar out of our comfort zone and be naked, again, figuring out who we are now, and again now, and again now- new every minute. And so, this process has left me naked, but seeking. Here is the light that I am creating, for me, naked, to bask in. They inspire, uplift, and direct me to exactly the direction (I think) I am meant to follow.
I Won’t Give Up On Us- Jason Mraz

Ojibwa Prayer- Enya

The Climb- Miley Cyrus

Riff Cohen- A Paris

Yemen Blue- Um Min Al Yaman

You know I would love to hear what songs do it for you when you need a song to life you up. Come on, tell me, I’m here.

Please join me, interact with me, share with me. Don’t miss a single ounce of inspiration. Subscribe to my rss, twitter, and our family travel and personal facebook pages.

Wendy

July 1, 2012 at 10:04 pm | #

You have good taste in music – especially Jason Mraz
I have a few tracks I use – Summertime by Ella Fitzgerald when I want to relax – and it is also what I sing to my grandbabies when they are tired and need to sleep. I have some Taize chants for meditation etc I have quite an eclectic taste in music – ranging from classical to jazz, pop etc Somewhere Over The Rainbow by Eva Cassidy is an all time favourite!!
I am not sure I am ready to be “naked” – I have too much pain that needs to heal, and can’t be rushed!!
Sending many tartan hugs xx

Who Is Gabi Klaf?

Clean Your Soul Course in Siem Reap, Cambodia, Me not running away from Me

Isn’t that funny? I teach enlightenment and all about creating more light in your soul, and here I am avoiding mine. I’ve been meaning to write all the amazing spiritually things I know for months now, and I’ve completely ignored this site. I was invited to start teaching my Clean Your Soul Course here in Cambodia and wrestled it for weeks. Why? Why would I run away from who I am? Why would I try to escape the core of my being? Why would I not want to teach others the very matter that I believe in most? Why would I consciously choose to not engage my heart and soul in what I know will help it breathe? I’ve come up with a few ideas….

I Prefer Suffering

We all do sometimes. And I, I, I well… I was just having too much fun being miserable. I didn’t want to talk about the soul, enlightenment, being in the now, finding that inner light that we’ve forgotten about because I was really into suffering. I was really scarred and bruise about overcoming my own worst loss in life, and I guess, I was not ready to let go of that, that identity. Waving the flag of misery has it’s definite advantages.

And I knew, I knew it so clearly, that as soon as I would start teaching Clean Your Soul again, that I would have to face my gremlins. I knew that as soon as I started treating others again, that I would have to look into my own pain and make a choice: keep swimming in it or get over it. I didn’t want to make that choice, not consciously anyhow.

That’s Weird

I used to not talk about the spirituality things until waaaay later in my parenting courses. On my radio show, I’d only lightly brush upon implicit little hints of spiritual underpinnings. Why? Cuz it’s weird and I never wanted to be weird. Cool, eccentric, hippie, different, special- yes, totally! I was always going for those. But weird- no. I never wanted to be looked upon as weird, odd, out-there, coo-coo, strange. And so, I have spent a great deal of the last six years not showing my spiritual side because I didn’t want anyone to think I was weird.

And so, whenever I’m invited to touch energy healing, holistic trauma therapy, self-healing, and Humanology; I need to take a minute and recognize that very Earthly reaction I have to it to feel ‘normal’. As I travel the world, I spend more time out of the spiritual teachings than I do in them. I get joyfully busy with our family travel blog, with educating my kids, with cutting salads and playing guitar, with licking my own wounds, with getting to know the locals, with volunteering, with exercising; and very conveniently, I can spend months not in spirituality. So, widening this space in my soul in essence means inviting its whole, powerful miraculous self into my life.

So What’s A Girl To Do?

Duh? Accept the invitation. And I have. I have accepted the invitation to face what I know will bring me the greatest relief. Accept the invitation back to myself, my purer, cleaner, calmer self. Accept the invitation to alife without drama. And though I know I’ve wound a great web of dependency on drama, I’ve lived off of it for years; I know now I can walk, every day with spirituality shining from within me, out. I know I can accept the invitation to stay in the pleasant, buzzing frequency of being exactly who I am meant to be, even if it is weird.

I used to listen to people talking about this ‘out there’ stuff and think (as my sister says) that it’s so ‘foo-foo’. Now I know, it’s not. Now, I know its the endless possibilities we weren’t aware were possible. It’s the ability to touch happiness, and hold onto it for longer and longer spurts of time.

And so, I’ve begun to work again. I’m teaching groups, working with individual clients, and writing articles with fire and passion in my fingertips. I am touching people’s hearts, improving their lives, widening their souls; and it feels so unearthly good. When you walk in your light, it feels good.

What Now?

I choose to admire my kids. such moments of enlightenment.

I’ll give you my ‘to do’ list:

1-Bask in my own light.

2- Do whatever my soul wants.

3- Deeply listen to others, and see what it reflects in me.

4- Prepare for my class by reading material that inspires me.

5- Write my spiritual stuff.

6- Watch (in pure delight) the puppy and her mom play in the sand.

7- Take lots of pictures. That inspires me.

8- Wake up whenever I wake up.

9- Dance to music I love.

10- Be totally appreciate, inspired, and spiritual.

11- Exercise.

12- Watch my kids, and admire who they are, right now.

13- Write some more.

Amen.

You know I want to hear how this material meets your soul. Does it hurt, does it sit on something true for you? Does it remind you of that time you avoided who you were, but then re-decided? Are you now at that place where you know, you know, you know you should decide? Let me know. I’m here.

You can find me on twitter, Facebook, and, of course, this inspirational, enlightenment blog.

Gabi

First off, have a good laugh for I am in the bathroom, and I know that it looks like I’m actually on the toilet. (Didn’t think that one through before I started the recording!) I have found lately that the bathrooms here in the hostel are my best bet for a quiet recording. And so, here we are, intimate as ever, right?

And now, to our business…Yet again, here we are, going through this process. I am facing a desire that I cannot have, a desire that is consuming me. And I’ve decided to face this head on and look it in the eyes. And in here, you can hear the pain, you can hear the utter insanity including giving up my life, dying in order to have my desire.

And I must admit to you now that this is a scary process but one that you can certainly do alone, by yourself, or with the help of a trusted friend. Or, if facing that is too scary for you, you need to find a therapist you trust and get help. So, with the help of another or by yourself; you simply let the desire voice its full tenor, you allow, you actually invite the desire to be all-encompassing and say/be/do/wish to its fullest fire. And as it drowns you, as it overtakes all that you are; you hold on and know that you are strong enough to stand it/to witness it. You allow it to grow as big as it needs, and just watch… it will dissipate.

As soon as we allow the emotional brain to express himself, as soon as we allow the emotional self that legitimate space that it needs; it can make the room for something else. I’ve done a similar exercise that also works wonders from Brandon Base’s The Journey. You can read more about her work on her site. In it you invite yourself to feel each emotion that arises to the fullest, and then look beyond at the next emotion. As you go through the layers, you reveal the core of your pain, and eventually, find peace. It is marvelous as well.

Have you ever felt drowned by your desires? Have you ever faced something that you wanted so badly, that we were willing to forgo everything, just to have it? Have you stood at the brink of that dark pit and allowed yourself to fall/allowed yourself to enter that despair and see what happens? Did you know that you, like me, are strong enough to face your unhealthy desires? You are. Share with me.

“Mama said there’d be days like this. there’d be days like this my mama said.”
– Diana Ross

From my private journal:
what a morning, what a last few weeks! i feel like i want them to get away from me, far far away from me. and i know they are adorable, and i know they only need my guidance, and i know they look up at me and don’t understand where their patient, loving, mother is. they look up now and see someone upset, beside herself, disgusted, rejecting, repulsed, and totally unsympathetic. not a nice family picture, i know. but this is what i have right now. no good reason like major stress, money problems, health issues, marital tension.i am feeling very uncomfortable with the weight i’ve gain the last few months. that is not sitting well with me at all. but still, nothing really strong that justifies my intense need to escape them. i’m finding myself these days saying all the things you’re never supposed to tell your kids. i’m belittling, nagging, scolding, threatening, being sarcastic, being ugly on purpose….

oh, what an awful feeling. awful. when i hit these places i know to do three things that will make a difference. i guess i’ve enjoyed this gross place enough cuz i’ve started to do these things. i guess i’m ready to do something else with my loved ones- other than reject and fight with them.
so, my one, two, three formula to get out of this place:
1- Focus on the Core of the Pain- Me

spend time doing things good for me, walk, read, talk with a friend, do something fun that refills my batteries and reconnects me with me. (i’ve been exhausted lately. takes a lot of energy to hate everyone around you. takes tons of energy to feel stuck and miserable.very exhausting stuff.) so, i signed up for yoga twice a week in the mornings, walking another twice a week, and yesterday i started calling friends i haven’t talked to for months. i needed to hear their love, needed to share my feelings and hear them aloud.
the second part of focus is looking deep within myself to find the core of my pain. this is only within me. is it my self-criticism about my body and the weight i’ve gained? is it nervousness about our up-coming trip where we’ll be with the kids all the time and i fear i will lose my identity and my time alone? is it being overwhelmed by all that my business requires and feeling very strongly that i’m not managing my time right and thus not seeing the results i want? it is all of these and full volume. i have work to do within myself to calm these storms. to look within them, feel them fully, and do the work required to release them.
2- Bring Clarity Into My Life
there are so many sticky places in our lives right now that i dread to enter. i realized that our mornings suck, showers are nightmares, going to bed is too long and painful, and weekends at home with the kids all day is hell. i know i’ve very wise and sharp to notice, but something is not going right in our family. something is very very off tilt. we usually love being together. what is going on?
what is not working in our routines, our communication? are there new needs in our family? my eldest? me? my husband? we need to change our family’s communication and routines based on the changing needs of our family members. needs have changed here but we’re continuing to do the same. time to reevaluate what we all need and see how those needs get met. frustrated people are frustrated family members and the explosions are not pretty.

once we see what needs are off, we will want to make changes. family meeting time. how will the morning be different. what happens at night. how we handle our responsibilities at home. how we communicate to each other, also in anger. we will talk and share and decide and be CLEAR. lack of clarity brings about more frustration into a home than anything. what happens, when, and how and what happens when it does not happen. CLARITY when every member of our family knows fully and can act from that accurate information.

3-Enter New Information Into The System.
when the information we have swimming around in our souls is sour, we tend to recycle it over and over again. “my life sucks, i’m stuck, i’m no good, i’m guilty, it’s not fair, i’m not appreciated.” and we can say it to ourselves unconsciously 1000 times a day. better still, we seek evidence that our thoughts are justified. “see, he’s talking to me like that! again, i knew i was an awful mom!” we want to enter new information into the system. i suggest doing this in three ways
a- find a book that inspires you, that guides you, that gives you the information that you want to be using in your daily life. at times like this, i grab any of the dozens of parenting and self-healing books around the house and start reading. last night i began rereading How to Talk So You’re Kids will Listen and Listen So You’re Kids will Talk by Mazlich and Faber and i’m in love, again. their information works for me, centers me, enlightens me. you may turn to a website (like thegiftofparenting.com) or any other which inspires you, brings you back to the light inside of you.
b- observe your kids from the side and rediscover how amazing and precious and beautiful they are. cuz they really really are. when i watch them from the side, look at their artwork, listen to their conversations, watch them eat from another room, i begin to SEE them again. see their beauty, their light, their angel dust.
c- actively record the blessings in your life. when we get bummed out we only see the black and the gray. we forget, we become blind to all the golden, all the breath-taking array of color. when you make lists of your blessings in a journal, a blog, to a friend, to yourself you begin to see it again. the color begins to seep back into your life. and then, finally, you can smile.

so, i’ve written it out. now to print it, put it on the fridge and to walk the talk. i’m ready.
thanks for letting me share that. i feel much better now.