It just hit me so hard I can’t breath. Can’t. Breathe. I’m drowning. Rolling down, down, down into it, groping for air, for some root to hold onto to keep me in the sunshine, but the sun is gone and the roots have all rotted. I was just now sitting there smiling at my life, looking at my loving husband with admiration and gratitude, cherishing the gentle touch of my child’s sweet words, and then BAM! It’s back. I thought we were over this? You know exactly what I’m talking about. Your version may be different, may be more colorful, messier, and still impossible to explain to anyone who hasn’t been through it, but you know. You feel his finger grazing your thigh, you smell that which reminds you how that drug/alcohol/person used to make you feel, you hear that song and it brings you back to a you who was so much more alive and beautiful, not the you in the mirror today. And all around you, all the blessings and logic and love in your life, vanish, vacuumed up into an abyss of never-again’s and what-if’s that you know simply no longer have a place in your life.
And yet it won’t go away. It won’t.
Would you almost lose it all again for this addiction? Do you remember how insane you got last time?
No, I would not. Yes, I do. I do. I do.
And yet, my heart’s beating so painful hard. She wants to explode with desire. Raging desire. Last night, I dreamed of that which will never be, again. That song brought me back. That smile on that person’s face. The angle of sun through that raindrop reminded me. And I feel like soul swinging in the night rain again, and I feel like Fuck, Fuck, Fuck (husband watered-down the title), and I feel like running away from every damn thing that I deeply love to escape into a world that exists as perfect in my mind. And logic fails you when you touch insanity. They don’t know how to co-exist. Damn euphoric allusions slap the shit out of the reality. No, no space for real life while you are a prisoner to your addiction.
Why You May Not Want To Enter This Realm With Me
Now, I warn you that the link above called your addiction is about mine. It is the start to a series that never ends. I thought it did. I thought it stopped at part 8, but since have added:
Conscious Suffering- How I Drag Myself Back Down
Ending That Suffering- Four Decisions To Pull You Back Up
How Do I Stay Happy? Soul Swinging in the Night Rain
And I have parts 9 and 10 on draft cuz I realized that no one wants to hear my 45-part pity party, but then again, maybe you do. And maybe that’s why you come back here again and again.
Why You Come Back
Because you’re neurotic too.
Because you are also shocked (not ashamed but shocked) at how out of control you could be.
Because you know that wounds never fully close up, they mend, but can open with gushing fierceness with no notice.
Because you also know the taste of insanity and the exhilaration of stupidity and the obsession with feeling that alive.
Because you also see patterns repeating in your life, painful deja vu’s that you keep recreating.
Because there is something deep inside of you that knows that playing with this fire WILL BURN YOU and thus, you’ll keep cutting that salad, putting the kids to bed, and yelling at anyone around you to get out this pent-up tension that has no where to go. And so, you’ll eat that chocolate cake with vengeance and you’ll pick that fight just because, and you’ll cut someone off in traffic or cut someone up with your glance, but then, then, then you’ll breathe and know that you are stronger than this temptation and more powerful than this moment and more full of light than that darkness disguised as salvation.
So, damn it, I’m going to cut the watermelon, cuz I can do that. It won’t hurt me. And, I’ll smile/cry/scream out/curse at the beating of my heart in reaction to last night’s dream and all that came up with it. I won’t ignore it, hate it, or deny it. It’s there as real as daylight. But so am I, and I am powerful and able to overcome this one, one step at a time. I’ve passed the worst of it. You can watch/read the series yourself and you’ll relate.
I cry a lot. I’ve been through hell. I died. I went insane. I wished I could go or do or be anything else than face it, but I did. I did, just like my friend Pete, and just like all of those beautiful souls, a few who commented here but most who did not comment here but either remained silent or who wrote to me personal emails saying “Me too, Gabi, me too. I’m hugging you, as I, as you, as we, go through this, towards enlightenment, one maddening step at a time.”
I love you.
Roll with me.
Gabi
I love giving photo credits, cuz their work is amazing! woman with red in hair lying in the dark, heart on a noose, woman in bed.
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