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  • Vipasana- Facing My Deepest, Darkest Pains

    in Overcoming Ourselves, Vipassana Meditation

    Cambodian girl praying

    I am about to be silent for ten days. That freaks me out beyond measure. I have layers of pain that I know are ready to shoot out and I’m terrified that I will drown it. It’s not deep inside, hidden, and waiting to reveal itself. It is a pain, I carry in my chest everyday; a pain, living, breathing, and just a hair below the surface, crushing me, every day.

    Can I breath when I have to sit for ten hours and just sit, just be with it? I can’t write it off-my therapy since Mrs. Leroy’s 7th grade English class where she made us write every day in a journal. (Thank God for Mrs. Leroy and her tacky wearing long skirts with sneakers, which everyone laughed at, but I just thought was cool). I can’t exercise it off- burn through it, sweat it off, allow my pours to cry it out. I can’t garden it, play guitar, it sing it, dance it out of my system. I can only be it. Be with it, look at it, observe it, live it, become it. Damn, am I scared.

    I read an article about ‘”Walking Depression”. They are the ones who don’t follow the DSM-IV, the psychologist analyze-your-condition-101 book. They are not the ones who crawl into bed for 6 weeks+, sleep extended periods of time, and have a noted reduction in appetitie and social interactions. No, us who have been in the “walking depressed” we get out of bed, take care of the kids, function physically; but emotionally, are dead inside.

    No, I am not there now; but, I was. And remnants of that pain, no, no remnant, but nice clumpy glops of it are still in my chest. Right in my solar plexar (under the sternum) and aching. When I put my finger, ever of lightly, over that pain; it flairs up.

    I guess we all want the pain to go away faster than it does. Damn, the pain! Can’t it listen to us crying at night, holding our chests, begging God to just let it go away. Can’t the pain consider the fact that we are exhausted and derailed, and just don’t want to be there anymore? No, it can’t. Why? Because there is more to learn. Sigh, curse word, breath deeply, worse curse word, FUCK!!!! [Very spiritual, I know; but, I’ve always been honest with you, and this is what is coming up, and nothing less.]

    monks blessing pagoda visitors by sprinkling holy water, and chanting, Cambodia

    I am about to walk, voluntarily, into something that I know is going to kick my emotion behind into oceans of pain that I don’t know if I can stay afloat in. What if the monks on duty are tired? What if I get a staff of newbies who don’t know how to recognize that someone is drowning too deep in their own manure? What if there isn’t someone there who can extend their hand to pull me up, if only to take another breathe?

    No, those there will be exactly who is meant to be there. Maybe I’ll get the newbies, or an arrogant Monk-for-the-Month like I’ve seen in Siem Reap. They are those studly, horny twenty-five year old who just wants to see what it would be like to be monk-for-the-month. I trust that if I get the newbie, the experimental spirituality garb guy, or a wise, devoted sangha (guide or spiritual leader) to the ways of the Buddha; that all will be what I need. Drowning may be the best thing that ever happened to me. Maybe, if I drown, I will finally reach the shores of freedom.

    I’ve read about the eight-fold path extensively; I’ve taught it, done therapy with it. I know the Four Noble Truths, and a few more cool things about Buddhism, like the six consciousnesses, the three existences that cause pain, and ten fetters of the mind. But, I don’t meditate alone. Why? Cuz it will come up in a way that will heal me, and maybe, just maybe, I’m not ready to let go of that flag that says ‘sufferer’. Maybe, I need to suffer more; or, at least I think I do. Maybe it scares the shit out of me, what life will look like, smell like, feel like to be fully present in the moment?

    Really, what does that feel like? To be fully present? To fully acknowledge the gifts and blessings in my life? To know that only now exists? To fully grasp the impermanence of it all? To not cling to anything, but anything? To recognize drama, and not accept the invitation? To be enlightened? To be able to breathe this breath, and the next, and the next, and only be breathing, not thinking of anything, at all? What would that be like?

    If I let go of my addiction, all, all, all, all of it; that means I no longer fantasize a different ending in the future. If I totally release it, that means I no longer have pretend conversations hearing what it was I longed to hear. If I free myself from the story, that means I become just Gabi, just as I am, with no dreams of something else. If I untangle the fibers of my desires, that means I am left with just the reality of the breathtaking tapestry that I am blessed with.

    Just me, a mom, almost 38, plain ole no-dramatic-story me

    Am I willing to let go of my flag?

    My heart, the qualified family and life coach, says yes. We always learned to in order to create a new you, you must first create the path towards 180 degrees, the exact opposite of who you are today. Then, you will reach that goal. That is the ambition that enabled me to lose 25 pounds and tone my body like one 20 years younger than me, like I’ve never experienced before. That is the éye of the tiger; the me that knows I am powerful, and able to do whatever I set my mind on.

    And there’s the behavioral psychological side (for God sakes, I have a Master’s in it, I should know, right?). This side says behaviors that weaken, that greater the pain, you systematically reduce; as you, in safe intervals, increase that behaviors that will lead you to what you want Gabi. I’ve shaped a lab rat to pull a chord to turn the light on. Surely, I can shape myself.

    And there’s all these other professional and/or ego-laden sides of me that ‘know’. Yes, I know. I know.

    But, the hurt child inside. That little, wobbling voice of the hurt child deep in my soul; does she know that it’s time to heal? Does she know that it’s safe to be happy, fulfilled, and whole? How do I let her know that I am so overjoyed, that I have every reason in this imaginable universe to be the happiest human being alive?
    I can list the reasons to be joyous, I can list why I am beyond blessed. Let’s summarize to adoring husband, adorable children, fantastic health, time and freedom to pursue passions, enough money to get by+, and living my dream to travel the world forever. The list is long and rich and wide and colorful. But, can that hurt inner child hear me? When I’m silent for ten days, and sitting on my ass and just letting the pain drown me, will she know? Will she then know that she can be safely full of light?

    She is safe. She is safe. She is safe.

    And so, I prepare myself to go (aka: FREAK OUT) and refuse to open their email explaining everything I need to go before I go. I’ll read it when I read it; I’ll be ready to go, when I’m ready to go.

    Have you ever stood on the brink of something amazing, waiting to dive over that bridge, knowing it will be exhilarating, but all the same terrified? Have you ever known, before the experience, that you are going to walk out of here a new, better you; and still resisted it? Have you even done a vipasana and felt it’s magic on your deepest, darkest inner child wounds? You think I’ll drown? Will I get the monk-for-a-month or the real-deal?

    I’ll be reading your thoughts about a week after I come out of the vipasana. I’m taking another week off, to just be alone and write. (Did I mention that Kobi is amazing?)

    Gabi

    Jackie Rose @letssitoutside

    September 10, 2012 at 12:04 pm | #

    This too shall pass.

    For the past year I have struggled to maintain my sitting meditation practice because I am afraid of facing what I carry around inside. Check out the two posts about my heart health for more info.

    It’s ok. We will face things when we are ready. Also, what is the worst that could happen during meditation? We might feel sorrow or suffering, but aren’t we suffering now by carring around sorrow and refusing to give it room to breathe and move on?

    I like your post very much. It made me think of my current relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 15 months and at many times along the way I have felt that I am standing on the edge of something amazing, deep and overwhelming. It is thrilling and also frightening. I have learned to be gentle with myself and let myself have what feel like conflicting emotions but continue to take steps forward anyway.

    I hope you get what you want out of your retreat and so much more

  • Damn Him! I Can’t Let Go & Sex

    Damn him! Damn him! Damn him! It’s my family travel blog! It”s my writing people are drawn to. My humor, my honesty, my really unique angle that draws people to our nomadic family travel blog site. It’s me, me, me. And just yesterday, we got over 100 (I’m serious) likes and comments on a version of this photo of how cute we are as a couple of 18 1/2 years, still so in love. (Whatever!) And just today, I taught a Clean Your Soul Class about how the ego gets in the way and causes us to lose our way to spirituality cuz we’re so wrapped up in ourselves. (“Hi, class. I am the perfect example of what not to do!”) So, now, now, now, he has to go and piss me off and tear into something that is so personally meaningful to me? Now, when I feel like the biggest hypocrite for a- ‘look-what-a-great-couple-we-are‘ and for b- ‘our-ego-separates-us-from-reaching-the-light‘ and mine is freaking out. Blah, blah, blah.

    So, let’s look at why I’m soooo mad at my spouse, why I just can’t let go, and how, unless I want my ego to continue running the show, I need to make a change. (Oh, and how the very last insight shocked me.)

    Why I’m Sooooo Mad

    He’s taking my baby, how I express myself, how I connect with the world and reflect myself; and putting up articles that are dry, bland, lame, and boring. And if he would just express himself as he is- funny, crazy, full of light, waaay out there hysterically energetic and unpredictable; it would be great. But he’s not. He’s verbally graffiti-ing my stage to the world. And when I dare say, “Where are those awesome photos that add so much life to your post?” ;I don’t like his answer. And when I say, “Where is Kobi- full of light and spirit in your writing? “; I get attitude and blow ups. Ugh. Men.

    Well, the only thing that fits here, is this:

    YES! duh!

    (Sex?… be patient!)

    Why I Can’t Let Go

    (You can officially skip this section and go straight to “Crawling Up the Walls.” One word summary would be : rant. Want to witness my temper tantrum, read on).

    Cuz I’ve spent two years building my audience, creating this blog, making it what it is.

    Cuz numbers are going down as loyal readers are finding material that is bland, and are not coming back.

    Cuz it’s my baby and I really don’t want you to touch it.

    Cuz I’ve started writing full time here (at gabiklaf.com/) , and almost zero there, as I feel it’s no longer mine.

    Cuz I love that blog and I love that it is my place to share what I feel and think and experience.

    Cuz every time we talk business, things get ugly between us.

    Cuz I don’t think I have to fight for something that until a 6 weeks ago was 100% mine.

    Cuz I want things to go back to where they were before- I write, and you take care of biz side of things.

    Cuz It’s mine and I feel like having a temper tantrum over it.

    (No, no sex yet. We build up to these things.)

    Crawling Up the Walls

    So, I’m pacing the room, crawling the walls, desiring some chocolate, even more pissed at him for going to the bar for a drink instead of taking me to get something sweet. So, now I’m blaming him for heaps of things and continuing to build this list in my head of why I’m right and he’s wrong, and what evidence I have that proves the injustices thrown upon me. I’ve made a cup of nauseatingly-sweet coffee and have seriously considered wolfing down the only thing I can find- that super-old can of re-fried beans. All sorts of things are coming up. I’m feeling desperate, restless; like a caged animal. If I can only stop my flipping from Facebook to YouTube as a distraction; my rummaging for anything to shove into my mouth to fill my aches; my soul screaming ‘I’m the victim! I am right and you are doing me so wrong!” to avoid my own pain. If I can stop the noise, all of it; I know I’ve got great things to discover.

    My Necklace from Dell

    And I’m flipping through the shelves searching for salty, sweet, salty, sweet. And I know what I’m about to do. This is one of the six consciousnesses that leads to desire. This is me making a Mental Contact of Pain, that has lead to Painful Feelings, and Suffering; and unable to deal with it, me running to food to shut it up. And of course, right as I feel like I can start getting this out, my computer freezes. Everything locks up- WordPress, the internet; even Word crashed a minute ago. God, my energy is that strong; it’s gotta go somewhere, right?

    So, I get up again, to continue my fierce search for something ridiculously unhealthy to eat. An obvious form of self-punishment. I come across Dell’s necklace. Oh, Dell and her necklace. Damn Dell. Does she have to get in the way right now? Does she have to come so uninvited to this here and now?

    Dell was in my Clean Your Soul Class in Boquete, Panama waaay back in August 2011. Dell was that student you’re not so sure you want in your class, because you have the sneaking suspicion she knows more than you do. Dell walked in with ego and pushed a lot of my buttons. Dell also, in that first lecture, shared with the group that she thought she knew it all and didn’t need my class, but found out that ‘somewhere between humility and arrogance’ (a video) there is much to learn. Dell also wore this lovely silver bracelet with the Chinese word “love” on it to class one day. She came to me (I think it was in month two of our intense 5 hours a week classes), and said, “Here, I haven’t worn this since I bought it and I feel it needs a good home. It belongs with someone special,” so here,” as she gently put it around my neck.

    So, Damn Dell too! I’m trying to abuse myself and avoid my pain; I’m looking for fire to fuel my fires of righteousness, and here waltzes in Dell and her necklace. That is what I found when I looked for darker things: Love, and all that Dell taught to me, and means to me.

    (Sex. Ever heard of foreplay? Good things come to those who wait.)

    How Does Love Fit Into This, Dell?

    So, I sit here on the bed, no longer searching for food, no longer wanting to be right; playing with the necklace now resting on my left knee. I pick it up, hold it in my hand. I feel it’s delicate, metallic coldness against my fingers; I smell dry salty nothingness; I listen to the soft clink when it pit pats from hand to hand. I am with the necklace. If I play with it, I can focus, I can be here and now, I can see things vepasana, “as they really are”.

    “What does love mean? What does love say?” I’m asking Dell energetically, even though she is fourteen time zones behind me, and we haven’t spoken in ages. “What does love mean?”

    What Now- Using the Tools When It Hurts

    I realize that slowly, slowly, without me even noticing I’m between a rock and a hard place. This is not where I want to be, at all. I don’t want to fight over ‘the blog’ or money. I don’t want to put my pride above my love.

    I want to cry, but not out of sadness. Out of knowing that I know a way full of light, full of love; and surrendering my ego to that which is Higher, and Truer will let me find what I desire.

    Four things guide me here:

    1- A Quiet Mind

    The Thai monk Ajahn Chah was famous for his forest tradition teaching. In the forest tradition meditations, Ajahn Chah taught us that in order to find ourselves, we should find solitude under a tree of the forest, and sit there. This is what he said:

    The Dhamma [the way to enlightenment] is revealing itself in every moment, but only when the mind is quiet can we understand what it is saying, for the Dhamma [the way] teaches without words

    And so, I’ve played with the necklace. I‘ve reached that silence. I can hear now.

    2- Right Speech

    The third of the Eight Fold Path is Right Speech. Right Speech teaches us how to use our words to bring light to others. In the Abbaya Sutta, Budda teaches us to not speak unless we are sure our words are true, beneficial, affectionate, with good intention, and in season (delivered at the right time).

    Looking over what I said to Kobi an hour ago, they were none of the above. Shit!

    a-I don’t know if numbers went down since I stopped writing for the blog. I guess that, but I don’t know. I don’t know most of the things that I accused him of.

    b-I know it was not beneficial to criticize someone who has worked hard and did his best.

    c-I know, I know, I know my words were not kind, affectionate, pleasant to his ears.

    d-I know my intentions were not to find solutions and do good, but to vent anger, frustration, a lack of control, and my feeling victimized.

    e-And, last but not least, I know my timing could not be worse. He just joyfully said, “Hey! Come look!” and wanted to be praised; not cut to pieces. He’s tired, he’s had a long day. I could have waited for tomorrow.

    Conclusion: Reckon I should-a shut up.

    3- Appreciation vs Ego

    Buddhism teaches us that there are very clear reasons why we suffer. Buddha, good man, organizes it into ten “issues” we face that keep us from enlightenment. He calls them fetters. The first of the Ten Fetters of the Mind is Sakkaya-Ditthi or ”Personality Belief.”

    In the shortest possible terms, Sakkaya-Ditthi (personality belief) is our ego getting in the way. Yes.

    I need to shut up now. I’ll go crawl into my little hole. My ego is making me think that I am better than him, that I write better than him, that people like me better than him, that I know better than him, and the list goes on.

    Like an arrogant blow fish, my ego has expanded beyond the space I am entitled to take in this little world. My ego has blinded me from recalling why I write so well, how I got my soul cleaned, how I learned so much about spirituality and modesty and humor- because of him. Because he spent the first ten years of our relationship holding me while I cried. Because he carried me when I was weak. Because he adored me when I couldn’t stand myself. Because of him, I am what and who I am today. And as soon as my ego swells up, I lose the wisdom to see that, to see that the only thing I owe my husband is gratitude and humility, and a back rub.

    4- Really Good Sex

    (Ahh. You waited!)

    Sex? Didn’t expect that one, did you? Neither did I.

    He walks back in as I’m writing this article.

    I say, “I’m sorry.” I’ve found love and lost the ego, and here, sorry works.

    “I’m not even upset at you. At all.” he smiles.

    I push aside the laptop and all the wires on the bed, and smile. He jumps on top of me, and we kiss like we haven’t kissed in a long time; which leads up really good sex that we both deserve to have in our lives. Why?

    Because he’s my man, I’m his woman, and I”m learning all the time.

    Good night.

    Comments (20)

    Wendy
    August 31, 2012 at 1:38 am | #
    Hiya Gabi
    I have not noticed that you stopped writing the blog. I read, learn, visualise with all the blogs I read – and I am not looking for anything except the taste of another’s experiences. I can learn a lot from this one – in my attitude to others in my life, especially those close to me. You are human and it is great that you share your failings as well as your talents. You and Kobi are like yin/yang – you fit!!!
    Sending love xx
    Reply

    Gabi
    September 1, 2012 at 12:58 pm | #
    wendy, you are a doll. yeah, we’ve meshed, mixed, and scrambled things, and i’m thrilled you are finding the inspiration you always loved in the nomadic family blog. i am learning a lot too, in my attitude towards those i love the most. i love sharing with you wendy, you always hold my hand, and tell me how wonderful it is to be who i am, all those sides of me. ying yang- yes, we are! thank you love. gabi
    Reply

    Mary
    September 1, 2012 at 11:28 am | #
    Why not start him a blog, then you guys can each have a voice, like the nomadic dad:) It could increase your revenue as well:)
    Reply

    Gabi
    September 1, 2012 at 12:39 pm | #
    Great solution Mary! Thank you! I’ll tell Kobi. He may just love that idea! Truly! Kisses to you, and thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts in a comment. Gabi
    Reply

    Lainie Liberti
    September 1, 2012 at 12:29 pm | #
    Sweet Gabi. Have you considered you have become addicted to your own drama? I saw this with the kindest voice as I know you & your struggles deeply. Look at the big picture, look at the pattern. Different persons, situations, but all equaling your inner drama. Something to look at anyway.
    New mantra: I share, I collaborate, I expand, and I don’t believe the ridiculous thoughts that come visit my head from time to time….
    Good luck!
    Reply

    Gabi
    September 1, 2012 at 12:49 pm | #
    Lainie, oh Lainie. Thank you for caring. Thank you for telling me again about my addiction to drama, which I have thought about and written about a great deal since you’ve told me that. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind (or soul) that you speak with wisdom, and that that is part of my learning journey, to stop my addiction to the drama. At the same time, when I zoom out of my life, and witness myself, I see huge leaps and bounds, gargantuan advancement and development. My soul’s learning will take the learning curve it lovingly requires, maybe for the rest of my life. Fighting with my husband of 18+ years (or with another human being) is a normal, healthy, natural part of intimate relationships. This is just sharing the normal things that happen in any family. Thank you for loving me, in your own beautiful, spiritual ways. I have learned much from your mantra, and you.
    Reply

    Paz
    September 1, 2012 at 12:45 pm | #
    I think our husbands should get together to vent. lol The sad part is that my husband also says the same thing “I’m not mad at you”. For some reason the idea of him being upset is better than him NOT being upset, because it makes me feel like an even bigger ass!!
    Love your post and we are currently launching a business and struggling with money and not having enough sex. hahaha
    Your post has taught me many things that I need to focus on. I especially love Right Speech. Hmmmm not sure if any of my words have been that in the last month, even though I am not making any income for us any longer and he continues to keep us afloat. My ego I guess. Thanks for pointing it out to me and making me step back and regain my clarity and my priorities.
    Thanks!! I’ll let you know when we get to the sex part.
    Reply

    Gabi
    September 4, 2012 at 4:48 pm | #
    paz. what a charmer you are. what a dear for writing and sharing. i love this part. where souls talk, laugh, say, ‘yeah, i feel like an ass too!’. i so believe that that is what it’s all about. gaining new information and finding inspiration/partners who walk the path towards enlightenment, with us. i love that so much. pretty dangerous if we let them guys share, no?
    i know how much stress money and couplehood get. i think any couple who has ever tried to make it, gets it. i’m so glad your ego, and mine, got a reminder of where we belong- in utter gratitude to these great men who keep us afloat (and don’t really demand that much back in return- mostly appreciation).
    can’t wait to hear about the amazing sex part. cuz he’s your man, and you’ve got a lot of learning to do, too. hugs to you paz, gabi
    Reply

    Karen
    September 1, 2012 at 1:45 pm | #
    Beautiful.
    Sometimes the journey is as important as the knowledge you gain.
    (And it makes the sex better too.)
    Reply

    Gabi
    September 4, 2012 at 4:42 pm | #
    hey you. still there, guiding me, loving me. your ‘beautiful’ is priceless. i believe, dear karen, that i could gain this knowledge because of the journey, all the tangents of it, and makes better sex too. i’m quite sure i’ve created some great fights with the full intention of wanting to create sex (shame, i’m going to hell) but yes. here, it was a pleasant unexpected side effect. i love sharing my journey with you. so. much. gabi
    Reply

    Yael
    September 1, 2012 at 7:51 pm | #
    Don’t have a partner to yell at and then have great sex with (not yet) – but I really enjoy your process, your creativity and the love and authenticity that oozes out…hugs from me in your homeland
    Reply

    Gabi
    September 4, 2012 at 4:40 pm | #
    yael, how lovely to see your smiling face here, and to hear your words. you’ll find a great guy, when it’s right, and you will have glorious fights with him, and glorious sex with him. i’ll be cheering you on every step of the way love. thank you for reading my process. you are so wise in processes, in seeing the desire for peace and compassion at the end of the conflict, and i value you seeing my creativity, love and authenticity. all there, and all observable to you, because you live in those terms constantly, and can identify them with love. hug the homeland back. i miss her. and her people.
    Reply

    yael
    September 5, 2012 at 5:51 am | #
    Hey Gabi
    Much love to you from me in the homeland! Thanks for the encouragement, it’s warmed my heart first thing in the morning…
    In anticipation to reading more from you..
    Love
    Reply

    Gabi
    September 6, 2012 at 5:28 pm | #
    awww yael. i know that i warmed your heart is so heart-warming for me. such an honor. such joy. much more coming and so excited to know that you and i get to discuss these things. these are the types of real conversations (real- online real) i love. and one day, we’ll sit face to face in the holy land, and have so much to talk about. gabi

  • Daddy’s Little Girl- When The Pain Shoots Out of Nowhere

    This picture below is of me and my dad. The picture was taken almost a year ago in Boquete, Pamana. Then, we got to see him quite a lot. Since January 1998, I’ve seen my father once every few years. It’s hard not being around my family; well, no that’s not true, I lied. It’s infinitely easier than being around them. To be honest, I planned it that way. I had so much to sift through, so many layers and layers of wounded identity to unscramble, that living far from my family was my solution. It gave me the distance to clean my soul, to free up trapped pain, to reflect on truths that I carried from childhood that no longer served me, and to learn to be a new me. Being far away (exact-other-side-of-the-globe far away) was very safe for me. It created a super-thick padding within which I could incubate and heal.

    I used to blame my parents for everything. I had lists and lists of reasons why they ruined my life. Maybe you do too. I don’t blame them for anything, now. That took oh so many hours of therapy. I know, I know, I know that my mom and my dad did the very best job that they could in life and in raising three kids. Today, I can only thank them for being so brave, determined, and dedicated in dodging all that life threw at them. Tons of therapy; a world of therapy to be able to say that. (I guess my kids will need it to, right?)

    This post was written while with my father in Panama. I was shocked, at the time, to know that my soul still harbored so much pain deep within. And here, it all shoots out.

    Daddy’s Little Girl

    I was. I used to follow him around from room to room. He’d mow the lawn, I’d pick the daffodils a few steps behind; he’d fix something on his work bench, I was there elbows on the table asking endless questions; he’d watch his late night movie, I was hiding around the corner watching movies I shouldn’t have. It’s a bittersweet adoring love that we daddy girls feel for our Superdads. And, of course, daddy’s little girls fall hard when they realize that their daddy’s aren’t the heroes they thought they were.

    Well, I kept in amazing relations with my dad for years and years after I stopped following him around like a lost puppy. He was my guidepost, my adviser, my Daddy. Kobi and I actually lived with him; and then down the street from him for a few years. It was beautiful. Kobi and my father got along really well; he was helpful, joyous, and caring in every way. He was involved in my life and again, did the best he could to deal with whatever life brought him. And then he moved to Panama.

    And so, I grew up, got married, and forged my own life; very independent and detached from my father. Not for any good reason other than that it just worked out that way. When you live in Israel and your dad lives in Panama, and you’re not so hot in the keeping-up-with-people department; time just sort of does her thing. And then, at the age of 36 and a half, my family and I embark on an open-ended round-the-world nomadic family adventure and land smack dab in the middle of his Panamanian telanovela (soap opera).
    We had spent two months in Houston for I required that much time to work through unresolved childhood issues with my mother. (We had planned on staying two weeks. ) As I told an old high school friend, “It’s like being a kid again, only this time, it’s nice.” My mom and I had always walked on shaky, landmine-filled grounds and so, though unexpected, it made sense that part of our journey would be dedicated to me working through issues that had haunted me for life. Those, I knew about.

    But, with my father, I knew nothing. I only remembered good stuff, loving things; and suddenly, I find myself in his living room and in his car, fuming. He’d done nothing in particular, and I’m furious. Out of nowhere storms from within me a volcano of very strong, painful emotions and memories. Memories of lies, of being pushed away, of being manipulated against my mother, so that he would have a friend on his side. Memories of self-defeating adages being repeated so often they became part of my truth. Memories of divorce, and picking sides, and feeling sorry for himself, and dragging me into that pitiful story and dark, dark pit. Memories that suddenly had a place and time and consequence.

    Now, understand, my dad is a dear. He’s walking around being a kind host and sweet grandfather; and I’m silently, twisting and turning in the agony of my own internal inferno. All of these traits and fears in me that have limited and hijacked my happiness endlessly, come out in bright, crystal-clear spotlight. Suddenly, I hear him talk or explain something on his mind, and I know. I know, for the first time in my life, the source of so much of my personal misery.

    As all children do, I had adopted the most blatantly dominant positive and negative traits my parents had. And now, now, I could understand where it had come from and to what extent it had handicapped my freedom and toxically impacted who I had become.

    Turns out my voyage around the world goes much deeper inside, than out. This journey thus far has revealed to me, as much about who I am on the inside (and who I want to continue to become on the inside) as it has about what the world looks, tastes, and feels like on the outside. I find myself here, yet again, healing my wounds and cleaning my soul, like I did at my mom’s house a few short months ago. I am facing gremlins I didn’t even know I had in hidden in deep, deep closets.

    Unlike in Costa Rica where I was genuinely touched and amazed each day, I have not pinched myself even once saying, ‘Oh My God! I am in Panama!” I’ve had too much sorting out, healing, and cleaning to do from my childhood past. As my initial shock abates, my internal turbulence turns to hard-core soul scrubbing. It’s taking up my energy and preventing me from seeing Panama. That’s ok, I’ve got time to see it all. And maybe, with untainted glasses clean from childhood baggage, maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to see Panama, the rest of the world we meet, and my father in their full prism of miraculous color.

    And….

    Thanks for letting me share. You know, all this time later and I still feel my chest tighten. I harbor more unresolved pain. I bow to this invitation to clean my soul; and yet, I know, right now, that I’m not accepting that invitation. Not now, not now.

    It’s important that we talk about these things. It’s important that we bring to light all the issues that still bring darkness to our souls. I”m happy to hear what yours are.

    Gabi

    PS: I’d be honored to have you join me on my new inspirational facebook page.

    Spread the Love!!!!

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    Comments (5)

    Linda @EcoTraveller
    August 27, 2012 at 12:43 pm | #
    Gabi, you have such a wonderful way with words, I read every one.
    So very personal… brave of you to let go of it all and share. Hope you find resolve within at the end of all your soul-searching
    And, happy travels!
    Reply

    Gabi
    August 27, 2012 at 5:13 pm | #
    thank you linda. thank you. oh, and so nice to meet you. how did you find me here at gabikaf.com? i love knowing that tidbit. every time it excites me anew how the Universe brings us together with beautiful souls ready to learn from each other. i’m touched that you like my ‘way with words’. that is one of the nicest compliments for me. thank you. i share a lot, i think it cleans my soul and makes others connect to me, and be real, and hopefully, clean their souls too. yeah, we all have a journey. thank you. happy travels to you as well….
    Reply

    Amalia
    August 27, 2012 at 4:15 pm | #
    Part of growing up is realizing that our parents are just human beings who make mistakes. We need to forgive them, knowing that we forgive ourselves for being so much like them, and do our very best to cherish the good that we inherited from them and work on the things we don’t like.
    Reply

    Gabi
    August 27, 2012 at 5:08 pm | #
    thank you amalia. thank you. for being here, for following us. for always saying the right thing. (for doing the 8-minute abs!) your words ring true, so true. abe lincoln said that we become prisoners of our anger,and can only free ourselves from that prison through forgiveness. cheers to that long journey. and hugs to you and david, gabi
    Reply

  • My Addiction: Cleaning the Core-Part 8

    The dark thought, the same, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each guest has been sent as a guide from beyond. -Rumi

    So, look what I found. An old entry from months back that still, still, still deserves to be shared. The Conscious Suffering and those that follow it, are still, all this time later, the cleaning that is still being done. I must say how grateful (and shocked) I am that all this time later, all these months later; I am still working on it. Better? Infinitely. There? Still. The series began here, and the last video from it, is right below this…..

    And here, I am finally learning the lessons, I am finally in a place that I can begin to go within, and heal. It’s been a long and wretched journey; but one that has left me all the wiser. I wish I could say that it is all behind me. It’s not. It resurfaces, it occasionally coils its way into my soul and chokes me. And then, precisely then, is when I know I still have work to do.

    My issues have been not belonging, being rejected, being abandoned, being left alone and all of them come up in fierce color as I face this loss in my life. Who I was, what I looked like, how I acted was all different in the light of my friend, in the light of my cat Bareket; and a half dozen other periods of time in my life. If I can accept that I am recreating the same broken pattern over and over again; I can start taking responsibility, learn what it is I am meant to, and move on.

    Until I learn what it is I was put on this Earth to learn, I am doomed to continue these very painful patterns. So, I give up, I give in. I bow to the powers that are much more powerful than I am and accept that I am the student here. I shall listen to my soul, ask it the right questions and see what I am destined to walk away with.

    Thanks for being here for this journey. I look better these days, no? I think so. I can see the color back in my cheeks. I ‘ve missed that color.

    The End?

    With this, officially, this series ends; but does it really? Until I can look at this in the eye and feel zero, zero, zero pain; it’s still there. “If we meet on the streets of May, and I don’t know what to say. Look away, baby, look away. Don’t look at me. I don’t want you to see me this way”. Until I can meet one day on the streets of May, hear that name, remember the love; and nothing hurts; there is still what to learn. So, with my thimble in the bathtub full of water, I continue to walk- humbly, gratefully, joyfully, and sometimes, still sadly.

    And so, I know (deep down, and very silently) that I was meant to learn lessons here. Of what? Of betrayal, abandonment, my fear of being alone… What is it my soul is meant to learn here? If I continue to create and re-create dramas in my life in which I am the victim/being rejected/abandoned ; will I get it?

    When will I wake up to the fact that this, this wrenching pain is my lesson; this unbearable deja vu will relive itself out forever until I learn to re-frame it, and learn from it? Did you wake up and realize you keep re-creating the same painful scene? Did something ever slap you so hard that you awoke, shocked and sweaty,and knew, knew that you were just so sick of the same song and dance? So, am I ready to learn? Are you? Are we ready to stop diving into reruns of that and create something else?

    What Rumi and Thich Nhat Hanh Know

    I am a bird of the heavenly garden

    I belong not to the earthly sphere.

    They have made for two or three days

    A cage of my body. – Rumi

    Yes, it is this that I desire- to be a bird of the heavenly garden. Yes, that is all. Oh, and this…

    Take my hand.
    We will walk.
    We will only walk.
    We will enjoy our walk without thinking of arriving anywhere.- Thich Nhat Hanh

    Gabi

  • 15 Ways to Stop Re-Creating Pain

    We do it. We all do. At least, all the people I know do. We create pain in our lives, we recycle painful memories, we keep re-creating the thoughts and push on the pain buttons of our soul that hurt. And why? To relieve pain? To reach solutions? To work through the problems? No. Maybe we think that that is what we are doing, but we’re not. We’re just making the sores ooze, and take some sick pleasurable comfort in feeling our own pain. Like my dear friend Karen says, “It’s like watching a train wreck, in slow motion, over and over again; and not being able to stop watching that.”

    So, using the inspiration of Vietnamese Zen Teacher Thich Nhat Hanh, I bring you 15 Ways To Stop Re-Creating Pain. It has helped me a great deal.

    In Buddhism, The Four Noble Truths tells us to follow The Eight Fold Path. The Eight Fold Path guides us through eight principles we want to envelope to reach enlightment. The second one, Right Intention or Thought, is privital in reaching Panna (wisdom). It helps us stop ourselves from living in thoughts that bring us more suffering. Thich Nhat Hanh suggests four practices that can help us do this on a daily basis.

    1- Are You Sure?

    Thich Nhat Hanh says we should make a sign and post it where we can see it everyday. When we have a thought, he suggests we stop and think for a second if it is even a true thought. Because wrong perceptions lead us to incorrect thinking, which leads us to more pain; Thich Hhat Hanh says a constant reminder to examine my thought, can help stop it from escalating.

    This is very much what Byron Katie teaches us to do in “The Work”. Socrates did this too. Before we run off and have an emotional rollercoaster, hand-made soap opera from our thought; how about examine it. “Are you sure?” is our invitation to stop and really think logically about this emotionally-charged assumption, before we go spiralling down our own next victim-story of pain.

    Am I sure my husband needs to love reading my excessively long emails?

    Am I sure I’ll get so fat because of all the pizza I ate last night?

    Am I sure my kids should go to bed at 10pm and stop jumping around hysterically?

    Am I sure? Am I really sure?

    Do I want all of those alternatives to what is? Am I sure? Maybe it is alright, as is, even if it frustrates me. Am I sure? Examination leads to freedom from being stuck in my own emotional inferno of unexamined beliefs. Am I sure?

    2- What Am I Doing?

    Thich Nhat Hanh, like us, knows that a great deal of our life is spent thinking of the past or the future. And therfore, we waste a great deal of our lives re-creating painful memories from the past or creating worries and fears about the future. “What Am I Doing” is our inviatioton to return to the present moment, and live here and now.

    Modern therapy does a beautiful job in doing this by inviting us to use our five senses. Let me explain for a second here. The mind is a simple machine. A delightful one, but a simple one. It cannot deeply think of two thoughts simultaneously. It can’t. Try.

    I’m not talking multi-tasking, I’m talking deep thought. Try to solve a details math problem and remember in detail a memory, and you can’t. Not at the same time. So, if the mind is going into painful memories (again), give him another assignment to fulfill simultaneously. Manually, take your mind to aonther task, and it will have to drop the former one.

    Ask yourself, and answer:

    What do I see? (in details, relish in the details of the sights around you. in darkness too)

    What do I feel? (pysically around you, on your skin, clothing against your skin, breeze, sheets)

    What do I hear? (notice and you’ll hear tons. we usually don’t listen in detail. listen to silence too)

    What do I smell? (there is always smell, even air again. nuetral, our skin, clothing, soap)

    What do I taste? (no need to put something in your mouth, there is taste there too, always. note it.)

    Once we command our mind to focus on the senses that are, we cannot simultaneously be trapped in our emotionally wheel. It takes time and practice, but it works.

    3- “Hello, Energy Habit!”

    I think Thich Nhat Hanh was a cute, enthusiastic sort of guy. I like him.Here, he is telling us to notice our own self-destructive habits. I have some. You do to. Do you eat when you get sad? Do you go pick a fight with someone? I stay up late at nights when I am too tired to get anything done, and start abusing myself in thoughts and eating. Rather than put myself to bed and respect my limits, I have a destructive energy habit of creating drama at night.

    Energy habits are anything we do, out of habit, to avoid the real issues, and deflect ourselves to anything else. Energy habits are things we do that pull our energy away from us in unhealthy ways. We want our energy to spiral within us, not to drain away. We want to cut the energy habits. Thich Nhat Hanh invites us to call the fraud by it’s name. “Hello, Energy Habit! I see you! Hi there!”

    4-Cultivate Buthichitta

    Buthichitta is “a compassionate wish to realize enlightenment for the sake of others.” It is the absolute purest form of Right Intention). This, is powerful. Why? Because it shifts the focus from us to others.

    I have always done things because of me. I have volunteered because it makes me feel like a good person. I have worked on cleaning up my issues and my pain, because I was sick of feeling that I can’t breath. Simple. I do because I want to gain from it.

    Buthichitta says ‘do it for the sake of others’, meaning for me, I will clean my soul and heal my own pain so that my children can have a mother who is calm and loving and attentive and not wrapped up in her own dramas. For me, buthichitta means I will clean my soul and heal my own pain so that my dearest Kobi, who has held me up for years, can take care of himself, of our children, and can pursue a life not so heavy because of his wife’s issues. Buthichitta means I do what I do because I want to have more light to give others, to inpsire others to heal their lives. Buthichitta means I know that the collective consciousness deserves more love and joy and light, and less recycled pain.

    Buthichitta means I do for others. Wow.

    Another Gift (from Gabi)

    So Thich Nhat Hanh gives these four precious gifts to help stop us from re-creating our own emotional inferno. He inspires me, and I’m grateful for that. I’ve created another ‘note’ (like his “Are you sure?”) that is helping me stop myself. When I start ‘going there’ I look at my note, I answer my questions, and I manually force myself out of my own re-created spirally depression. I call it “CATCH MYSELF”

    There are 11 questions in total. You simply ask yourself, “Is this thought, is this line of thinking I’m walking into, is this memory going to __________ (fill in the blank using the phrases below)? It is a simple ’yes’ or ‘no’ answer. You’ll know.

    CATCH MYSELF

    Cause me more pain or create in me more light?

    Add to a positive life view and positive emotions or create more negativitiy in me?

    Time well spent doing this or are there other things that would bring me more joy/happiness?

    Change my actions in a positive manner/empower me or weaken my behaviors?

    Help me enter new, helpful information into my system or simply recycle unhelpful baggage?

    Make me make a wise decision about something relevant in my life today?

    Yearn, jealous, needy, angry, victimized- is this what this thought will lead to?

    Shine light on my healing process? If I go through this, does it clean my soul?

    Eleviate pain and bring solutions or just plays in the pain with no progress in sight?

    Leaves me englightened? Brings me to new insights that can help me heal or just hurts?

    Finds more light, love, peace, relief, direction, inspiration in my soul and life?

    Two very related articles written write before this one are: Conscious Suffering- How I Drag Myself Back Down and Ending That Suffering- Four Decisions To Pull You Back Up. I think you may enjoy them both.

    I’ve put it into a pretty pdf that you can print and hang it in your home. Just shoot me an email or leave a comment, and I’ll send it to you. It has saved me from walking into it. Let me know if it helps you too.

    So, friends, again we’ve shared, we’ve walked a bit together. If you feel like saying something, do so. I am listening. If you feel like staying quiet, do so. I am listening.

    I bow to you,

    Deeply, slowly, silently,

    Ending That Suffering- Four Decisions To Pull You Back Up

    Gabi

    This is the continuation of Conscious Suffering- How I Drag Myself Back Down. That was the pain stage and the Buddhist teachings stage; this is the solution stage. In Part One, I realize I’m doing it to myself. I’m constantly recreating the rhythm that leads me to my own depression. I keep going there, allowing myself again and again to walk down the path that takes me exactly where I don’t want to be. So, read Part One first so you’ll know what’s up; and now, Part Two: Ending That Suffering- Four Decisions To Pull You Back Up lovingly awaits you.

    In Part One: Conscious Suffering, we talked about how I allow the stimulus to drag me down, how I seek ‘pure consciousness’, and what Buddhism’s Six Sextets Model of Consciousness has to say about it. As I learn new things, I’m playing therapist on myself, and using the new tools to relieve suffering. I ended Conscious Suffering identifying a short list of What Exactly I Am Doing Wrong. You may find yourself in my lists. You may just find your thoughts and motives there too.

    So, in this solution stage, I want to know how do I stop doing that which I know is wrong for me, and start doing that which I know is good for me. Deep breath….

    And How Do I Do That?

    The magic question to end my own inferno. Here is what the Buddha himself said in Majjhima Nikava:

    “…[K]nowing & seeing the eye as it actually is present, knowing & seeing [visible] forms… consciousness at the eye… contact at the eye as they actually are present, knowing & seeing whatever arises conditioned through contact at the eye – experienced as pleasure, pain, or neither-pleasure-nor-pain – as it actually is present, one is not infatuated with the eye… forms… consciousness at the eye… contact at the eye… whatever arises…. The craving that makes for further becoming – accompanied by passion & delight, relishing now this & now that – is abandoned by him. His bodily disturbances & mental disturbances are abandoned. His bodily torments & mental torments are abandoned. His bodily distresses & mental distresses are abandoned. He is sensitive both to ease of body & ease of awareness…”

    Translation, as if the Buddha himself were smiling down at me and speaking:

    Dearest Gabi. Take that which you give passion and delight to, take that which you associate craving and torment to; and note what comes up. Observe it. Become aware of your body’s distress, Gabi, become aware of your mind’s distress, Gabi, and, with time and practice, they will become at ease.

    So, Buddhism tells me to take at my yearning for my addiction (and for the late-night Snicker’s bar), and just look at it. Look at it. I can write about it, talk about it, walk with it, or close my eyes and meditate through it. I don’t have to act upon it. I don’t have to allow myself to create that contact, that will lead to that feeling, that will lead to that craving. If I can observe it earlier and stop it, great! But I don’t think I can just yet. I would like to change my translation in the contact stage from ‘painful’ to ‘neutral’ but I don’t know how to do that, just yet. For now, I can see myself doing four things that I think will work for me, right now.

    The Four Decisions

    1- Stop looking at all the things that bring it up. Just stop it. Decide (I have) and stop it. We often allow ourselves to get sucked into the comforting pain of self-inflicting habits. It does you no good, dear Gabi and dear you. And we’re both doing it, for no good reason. It brings us absolutely no light. Not at this point anyway.

    No light. Won’t do it.

    I decide. And so, I stop it. You can decide too.

    2- When I begin going down that mental path of memories, stop it. Again, does you no good. Again I can use my life jacket ’I control my thoughts, I control my emotions’ mantra to get me out of that old, familiar path I keep walking down that hurts so much. I just repeat ‘I control my thoughts, I control my emotions’ as long as it takes me to stop myself from that thinking, and start to manually think of something else.

    At times, I’ve had physical panic attack reactions, as I manually change my thoughts away from that which I so victim-like, zombie -like walk into and onto something else. But, if I can do it, so can you. Manually force yourself to go somewhere, anywhere, else.

    3- Create active outlets for me to get out what it within me. In the last week, I have stopped cold-turkey 100% all forms of exercise. I can tell you all the great reasons why, but it’s irrelevant. I need that. I need that time alone, I need that physical burning of my muscle’s juices to let my chi flow freely.

    You may need to play guitar, write, sing, swim, dance, read, or paint. Otherwise, you also might turn to less healthy escapes from what is stuck within. Otherwise, I start eating sweets at night, like I used to before I lost 25 pounds. And am I willing to go back there again? No, I’m not. Are you? No, you’re not either.

    4- Love myself to death. I am doing such a great job in overcoming the hardest thing I have ever had to in my life, and in overcoming the medium and small things along the way. So, this last week, I’ve eaten more sweets than I have in the past two months. Ok, I hug myself, and stand ready to observe all that comes up with love and light. And for me, part of that loving myself is actively making decisions to stop unhealthy habits that escape my pain. I will not continue on this destructive pattern of self-abuse. That is what it has become. And I recognize that with love and light. Loving myself means forgiving myself for hurting myself (physically and emotionally) and deciding to do something else.

    The Take Away Message

    I realize that all of my four ways to help myself may sound similar, and they are. But, they are different enough for me. For I need to hear the same thing in several different angles. You need to hear the same thing in different versions. Why? So that when when hit we moments of weakness, we will have several different life-jackets to hold onto.

    Will I look at that picture when I’m lonely? No.

    Will I let myself daydream into depression? No.

    Will I down into inactivity that makes me heavier? No.

    Will I continue in these destructive habits that try to escape my pain? No.

    Will I berate and begrudge myself for feeling this pain? No.

    But… I will exercise, I will write through it, I will seek knowledge, I will celebrate who I am, I will play guitar, I will look deeply into my children’s eyes, I will hug my husband really hard, I will talk to my body, I will breathe.

    And, yes, I will recognize the deepest truths in Rumi’s quote from the beginning of this entry:

    I have lived on the lip of insanity,
    wanting to know reasons,
    knocking on a door. It opens.
    I’ve been knocking from the inside. – Rumi

    No one, no one, no one will give me what I need. Not the reasons, not the apology, not the righteousness I seek. Not the relief for my jealousy, anger, or pain. No one will relieve my suffering, no one will make me whole again. I was insane seeking that from others. I was. Until I realized that I was knocking on my own door, from the inside. It is just me. Just me. Just me. Everything else is just cream. It is just me.

    I’ve squeezed the juices out of my soul to bring you this one. This post took so much out of me, professionally and personally. Putting it in simple terms, expressing it just right, touching all of my pain after so long was really tough. Should you have any thoughts you wish to share with me, this is the time and place. I await anything you may want to say. And, I know that if you are silent, that I will answer the knocking of my own door.

    Gabi

  • Conscious Suffering- How I Drag Myself Back Down

    And I hug myself, again, as I witness me walking right into my own hand-made drama, again. Enlightened? (Sigh) A bit more. At Peace? No. There? Probably never. As Cat used to lovingly say, “There will always be a bathtub more of spiritual work to do.” I am calmer, more full of light than I have ever been in my life; and still, my addiction, that one story, I can’t let go of. Not yet. I guess I have more to learn. And so, I search in Buddhism, Quantum Physics, and deep within the oceans of myself.

    I have lived on the lip of insanity,
    wanting to know reasons,
    knocking on a door. It opens.
    I’ve been knocking from the inside. – Rumi

    Buddhism says our senses, and the consciousnesses that come from that, create a direct path to our suffering. How do my senses drag me back down? I’m looking for some guidance for me, and maybe for you, too.

    Dragging Myself Back Down

    So, there are stimuli that cause me to suffer. Immediately. I know what I am doing and still I allow myself to walk down that path. I will consciously decide to think of this or remember that. I will suddenly see that, taste this, hear that, and I’m there. Not full-force anymore, but I’m there, enough. It hurts- enough; it confuses me -enough; it’s still there- enough. My addiction is unresolved. It lives somewhat dormant, deep inside of me. Until I touch it, brush against it, and it flairs up- enough. I have not let go.

    Today, I’m looking to Buddhism for some help. I’m shaking, so hold my hand, ok? Sometimes, I still need that.

    To End All Suffering- The Core of Buddhism

    In a nutshell, the entire point of Buddhism is to relieve suffering. That’s it. Relieve suffering. But, I, I am reliving suffering. I want to relieve it. Just an ‘e’. That can’t be so terribly hard, just a damn ‘e’.

    At Buddhism’s core of cores are The Four Noble Truths. The second one tells us that all suffering is caused by desire and attachment. I’m guilty of both. I desire and I attach. I am doing both in regards to my addiction.

    Buddhism also tells us that all suffering ends when we follow the Eight Fold Path. The first two principals in this path are Right View and Right Intention/Thought. Together, Right View and Right Intention/Thought form Wisdom, or Panna. Panna is also translated as ‘pure consciousness’. That’s what I want. To be pure. To see things as they are, and no longer create that drama, that suffocating deja vu story of mine. That’s it. “Pure Consicousness.”

    And so, I’ve begun looking into how Buddhism looks at consciousness. Right? Makes sense. If pure consciousness is what I want, I want to know what prevents me from it. I’ve found out a lot. A lot I can use now, and a lot more questions that I don’t know what to do with yet. But, I shall continue seeking; and shall share with you, every step of the way.

    What is Consciousness?

    Buddhism has between 6-9 different consciousnesses (depending on which form of Buddhism you look at). I want to look at model that explains 6 of those consciousnesses nicely, and tells me how I wind up turning my consciousness into craving (desire), which leads to more suffering.

    The Pali Canon has the Six Sextets Model of Consciousness. I’ll break down all five parts of the model, and then explain what we can get out of it. (If you are not so interested in the details of the model, and are more into the conclusions, skip to the “What Exactly Am I Doing Wrong” section below.)

    The model:

    1- SENSE BASES (has two parts)

    a- internal sense organ (eye, ear, nose, tongue, body, mind)

    b- external sense organ (visual form, sound, odor, taste, touch, mental object)

    So, the internal sense organ ( ie: eye) , in essence, meets the external sense organ (a visual) and forms a pair.

    eye- visual form tongue-taste

    ear-sound body-touch

    nose-odor mind-mental object

    This pair together meets one of six consciousnesses (#2 below) that fit it’s category.

    2- CONSCIOUSNESS

    visual consciousness gustatory consciousness

    auditory consciousness tactual consciousness

    olfactory consciousness mental consciousness ( I made this one up for simplicity purposes.)

    Now, each sense base pair, meets it’s consciousness, and forms a Contact (#3 below).

    3- CONTACT

    At the contact stage, the pair (from #1) and the consciousness unit (from #2) form a conclusion. I will conclude that this thing before me that I’m seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching, or thinking; that this thing is one of three conclusions to me:

    -pleasurable, painful, or neutral.

    So, for example, I miss this really special girl and go look up her pictures in facebook. My eye and the photo meet my visual consciousness. Together, they form a contact, which I conclude is painful, because I miss her so much it is unbearable, because I miss her so much it just hurts. This is painful contact.

    Based on how I register something as pleasurable, painful, or neutral; I create a Feeling (#4)

    4- FEELING

    How do I feel about what is going on before me? We all know that what that’s like. I love it, I hate, or I don’t have an opinion cuz it’s neither to me, it just is. My personal contact conclusion will elicit in me emotions.

    If I look at her picture and my contact conclusion is ‘pain’, then I allow myself to form all the emotions that go with it: sadness, anger, jealousy….

    And from that, I can form Craving (#5)

    5- CRAVING

    And, we all know this one, too. As soon as I crave, I desire, I obsess, I yearn, I want, I need…. I often lead myself gingerly down the path to suffering. Where does this suffering come from? From wanting, desiring that picture, that person, that touch, that taste, that smell, those emotions that were, that __________(fill in the blank) desire.

    What Exactly Am I Doing Wrong

    I am not getting what I want. I am craving something, partially what was and partially revenge/an apology/being right/being sought after/ regret/ sorrow. And though, until now, I have not physically let myself touch my addiction in any way; tonight, in a weird moment of weakness I kind of, sort of, kind of, yes, I touched it. And it made it all come up really strong. After four months of nothing, I touched it again. Hoping that after this life-time of silence that I would get what I crave. No.

    And so I realize a few things I’m doing wrong:

    1- I keep doing this to myself. Recreating my desire (the past) over and over again, in tearful memories.

    2- I keep hoping desperately for renewed contact (future) , which will only brings me more pain.

    3- I want to leave it dormant (ignore) for then at least the pain is a constant dull, but I don’t.

    And above all, I know, I know, I know that I don’t want 1, 2, or 3 anymore. I want to change how the entire thing is on a deeper level. I want it to not hurt at all, anymore. At all.

    Find yourself in my lists? Do you also abuse yourself, kill yourself softly all on your own? Do you see how the Six Sextets Model of Consciousness applies to your life? Can you see yourself allowing the stimulus to bring you down? Have you ever touched ‘pure consciousness’ yourself? How did that feel? Wanna be there again?

    I’m here, if you want to talk. I’m here, if you remain silent. I’m here, either way. Just me, with me, and my thoughts, and my journey, one step at a time.

  • Part 7- My Addiction: Ricochets of Pain

    Every time I think we are done, I’ve solved it, we are cure/clean/free; it comes back. Like a possessed boomerang with a dying affinity to my soul, it shoots up from around the corner and hits me, hard. I could be enjoying a carefree moment, basking in joyful whatever and then, boom! a thought comes up, and I’m galloping down my road to misery. The other night, I went out dancing and was having the best time. I closed my eyes for a moment, and boom! it hit me like a huge spiritual punch to the stomach. These days I can catch it (usually) as what it is: ricochets of pain still unresolved begging to be acknowledged.

    And so I’ve tried a few interesting things that all have had a ridiculously short shelf-life, but have had their respectable place in my getting over the most painful addiction/loss I’ve ever had to face.

    I Chose to be Very, Very Mad.

    I’ve tried being mad, but not just mad, really really mad. I’ve tried to devalue the relationship, rationalize that I gave it way too much powerful/influence on me and that my friend was not worth half of the salt I credited. I’ve tried mad at how I have been unjustly treated in this situation, and it has brought relieve, or at least some distance from the heart. (And that has helped)

    I Found Comfort in the Pain of Others.

    I’ve googled my pain, found some really honest forums, and read the pain of others. It did help, knowing that others were facing losses like mine, that other’s had their hearts broken, that others walked this Earth with pieces of their soul missing. And while reading the words of other limping souls brought ‘comfort in numbers’, it did not make it go away. Actually, it just further justified and perpetuated my story of pain.

    I Heard Angels and Saw Their Light.

    So, I’ve walked around for days feeding my self-pity, believing my story of pain, and feeling it with each and every miserable step I take. I’ve jogged for hours with anger seething out of my jagged breath and tears streaming down my cheek. And I’ve fully believed my story. Fully believed it. And the Universe sent me Angels of Light three times in one week, exactly when I was most lost in my story, exactly to show me that anger, pity, desperation, and pain are not the frequency I was made to live in.

    I Did “The Work”.

    My friend Lainie says I am addicted not to my addiction, but to my addiction to pain. And of course, that really pissed me off at first. But, like all blaring reflections in the mirror; I could see that truth. I did Byron Katie’s The Work and found that when I believe my story, I am miserable, desperate, jealous, furious, and overall pitiful; and when I release my story, I am joyful, alive, free, beautiful, whole, and inspired. I like to breathe, I really do.

    And so, I am doing another wonderful thing that Byron Katie says we can do- I am letting my thoughts go. Our thoughts are like clouds that float passed us. We cannot control them, but we can choose not to hold on to those that cause us suffering. And so, I am releasing those thoughts as they drift by. I see them, feel my chest pinch and my face contort in pain, and recognize what I am choosing to do. And then, I make another decision. I decide to let it go. I invite it to continue on it’s way. I wave at it, and push/shove/violently blow it away from me (when necessary) but choose not to hold onto it. Sometimes, it’s really hard, and I have to force another artificial thought into my head (“Gabi, right now, you will think about X”). Sometimes, it’s suprisingly easy, and I smile with a silent pride at my ability to choose.

    Listening to My Soul.

    I know this pain from elsewhere. Somewhere far, far away and deep, deep inside. And so, I listened and let it come up.

    Have you ever walked slowly through your own pain? Have you ever witnessed yourself suffering, and could not find the right way out of it? Have you ever felt that stuck, but have known, that you are on your way out of hell, and were proud of that?

    This is part of a nine-part series. I would be honored to know how you feel watching this difficult series, what you’ve learned, how you overcame you own personal addiction or loss. I’m here, and waiting if you desire to reach out. I’m here.

    Part 1- My Addiction: Consumed by Desire Part 2- My Addiction: Terrifying Truths

    Part 3- My Addiction: Withdrawal Part 4- My Addiction: Getting To Grief

    Part 5- My Addiction: Seeing the Light Part 6- My Addiction:

  • Basking In My Own Light- My Addiction- Part 6

    As I work on rebuilding myself, on recreating the ‘who I am’ without some strong external influence supporting that; I find I need help. I need something to inspire my soul, to push me forward when I feel like sinking down between the rocks of despair. That, exactly that, is what we are meant to do, over and over and over again in our lives. We are meant to redefine, rediscover, rebirth ourselves. We are not meant to grasp to those roles, accomplishments, relationships that define who we are. We are meant to go faaaar out of our comfort zone and be naked, again, figuring out who we are now, and again now, and again now- new every minute. And so, this process has left me naked, but seeking. Here is the light that I am creating, for me, naked, to bask in. They inspire, uplift, and direct me to exactly the direction (I think) I am meant to follow.
    I Won’t Give Up On Us- Jason Mraz

    Ojibwa Prayer- Enya

    The Climb- Miley Cyrus

    Riff Cohen- A Paris

    Yemen Blue- Um Min Al Yaman

    You know I would love to hear what songs do it for you when you need a song to life you up. Come on, tell me, I’m here.

    Please join me, interact with me, share with me. Don’t miss a single ounce of inspiration. Subscribe to my rss, twitter, and our family travel and personal facebook pages.

    Wendy

    July 1, 2012 at 10:04 pm | #

    You have good taste in music – especially Jason Mraz
    I have a few tracks I use – Summertime by Ella Fitzgerald when I want to relax – and it is also what I sing to my grandbabies when they are tired and need to sleep. I have some Taize chants for meditation etc I have quite an eclectic taste in music – ranging from classical to jazz, pop etc Somewhere Over The Rainbow by Eva Cassidy is an all time favourite!!
    I am not sure I am ready to be “naked” – I have too much pain that needs to heal, and can’t be rushed!!
    Sending many tartan hugs xx

  • Avoiding Who I Am

    Who Is Gabi Klaf?

    Clean Your Soul Course in Siem Reap, Cambodia, Me not running away from Me

    Isn’t that funny? I teach enlightenment and all about creating more light in your soul, and here I am avoiding mine. I’ve been meaning to write all the amazing spiritually things I know for months now, and I’ve completely ignored this site. I was invited to start teaching my Clean Your Soul Course here in Cambodia and wrestled it for weeks. Why? Why would I run away from who I am? Why would I try to escape the core of my being? Why would I not want to teach others the very matter that I believe in most? Why would I consciously choose to not engage my heart and soul in what I know will help it breathe? I’ve come up with a few ideas….

    I Prefer Suffering

    We all do sometimes. And I, I, I well… I was just having too much fun being miserable. I didn’t want to talk about the soul, enlightenment, being in the now, finding that inner light that we’ve forgotten about because I was really into suffering. I was really scarred and bruise about overcoming my own worst loss in life, and I guess, I was not ready to let go of that, that identity. Waving the flag of misery has it’s definite advantages.

    And I knew, I knew it so clearly, that as soon as I would start teaching Clean Your Soul again, that I would have to face my gremlins. I knew that as soon as I started treating others again, that I would have to look into my own pain and make a choice: keep swimming in it or get over it. I didn’t want to make that choice, not consciously anyhow.

    That’s Weird

    I used to not talk about the spirituality things until waaaay later in my parenting courses. On my radio show, I’d only lightly brush upon implicit little hints of spiritual underpinnings. Why? Cuz it’s weird and I never wanted to be weird. Cool, eccentric, hippie, different, special- yes, totally! I was always going for those. But weird- no. I never wanted to be looked upon as weird, odd, out-there, coo-coo, strange. And so, I have spent a great deal of the last six years not showing my spiritual side because I didn’t want anyone to think I was weird.

    And so, whenever I’m invited to touch energy healing, holistic trauma therapy, self-healing, and Humanology; I need to take a minute and recognize that very Earthly reaction I have to it to feel ‘normal’. As I travel the world, I spend more time out of the spiritual teachings than I do in them. I get joyfully busy with our family travel blog, with educating my kids, with cutting salads and playing guitar, with licking my own wounds, with getting to know the locals, with volunteering, with exercising; and very conveniently, I can spend months not in spirituality. So, widening this space in my soul in essence means inviting its whole, powerful miraculous self into my life.

    So What’s A Girl To Do?

    Duh? Accept the invitation. And I have. I have accepted the invitation to face what I know will bring me the greatest relief. Accept the invitation back to myself, my purer, cleaner, calmer self. Accept the invitation to alife without drama. And though I know I’ve wound a great web of dependency on drama, I’ve lived off of it for years; I know now I can walk, every day with spirituality shining from within me, out. I know I can accept the invitation to stay in the pleasant, buzzing frequency of being exactly who I am meant to be, even if it is weird.

    I used to listen to people talking about this ‘out there’ stuff and think (as my sister says) that it’s so ‘foo-foo’. Now I know, it’s not. Now, I know its the endless possibilities we weren’t aware were possible. It’s the ability to touch happiness, and hold onto it for longer and longer spurts of time.

    And so, I’ve begun to work again. I’m teaching groups, working with individual clients, and writing articles with fire and passion in my fingertips. I am touching people’s hearts, improving their lives, widening their souls; and it feels so unearthly good. When you walk in your light, it feels good.

    What Now?

    I choose to admire my kids. such moments of enlightenment.

    I’ll give you my ‘to do’ list:

    1-Bask in my own light.

    2- Do whatever my soul wants.

    3- Deeply listen to others, and see what it reflects in me.

    4- Prepare for my class by reading material that inspires me.

    5- Write my spiritual stuff.

    6- Watch (in pure delight) the puppy and her mom play in the sand.

    7- Take lots of pictures. That inspires me.

    8- Wake up whenever I wake up.

    9- Dance to music I love.

    10- Be totally appreciate, inspired, and spiritual.

    11- Exercise.

    12- Watch my kids, and admire who they are, right now.

    13- Write some more.

    Amen.

    You know I want to hear how this material meets your soul. Does it hurt, does it sit on something true for you? Does it remind you of that time you avoided who you were, but then re-decided? Are you now at that place where you know, you know, you know you should decide? Let me know. I’m here.

    You can find me on twitter, Facebook, and, of course, this inspirational, enlightenment blog.

    Gabi

  • Part 5: My Addiction:Seeing the Light Reflected Off Myself

    my addiction- seeing the light reflected off myself

    “Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter.
    Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here
    Here comes the sun,
    Here comes the sun, and I say
    It’s all right….”

    So, the sun is beginning to shine in my little inner world. I am beginning to see the light of the Universe kindly, softly glowing within me. And that’s what this part is all about, it’s about bowing down to the beauty of what was and walking away, enlightened from it. That’s what life is about; what our painful growth should be about.

    Can we take the tragedies in our lives and convert them to something empowering? Surely. I do that all the time with clients who have undergone rape, betrayal, and the death of a loved one. So, can we take something beautiful and turn it into a tragedy? Yes, we can, but why.

    And that is one of the lessons my friend taught me. My friend would tell me, “How dare you take something beautiful and make it tragic! How dare you!” And so, I’m making lists of all the beautiful gifts that I received and am, slowly, finding ways to bring those gifts into my life without my friend. And I’m making lists of all the ways I saw myself in the presence of this friend, all the beauty that shined in me as I was reflected off the light of another. And these embers, I am determined to keep aglow without the friend.

    And why? Because I am strong enough to do that. I can do that without the help of anyone; I can do that alone. And though I became dependent on a dear friend, and thus became vulnerable when the friend died; I can do this for myself. Because I love myself, all by myself, enough; and, again, I’m strong enough.

    So, ‘here comes the sun”. I can do and will (and am) doing this.

    How did you make the sun come out again? When the clouds stopped obscuring your soul, could you begin to see the light? If you are not there yet, what can you do to start seeing the light that then shone in you, now? Can you realize deep inside that you don’t need that drug, that job, that house, that relationship, that milestone to be whole? Can you see that?

    This post is part of a nine part series about how I fell deeper than I ever have in my life, and got up, very s-l-o-w-l-y. You can read the entire series and witness the process here:

    Part One: My Addiction: Consumed By Desire

    Part Two: My Addiction: Terrifying Truths

    Part Three: My Addiction: Withdrawal

    Part Four: My Addiction: Getting To Grief

    As usual, I would be honored to hear, to share, to feel you there on your learning journey as well. Together, we’re all just travelers on our roads towards ourselves. And this journey, too, for me, has brought me closer to a cleaner Gabi. And to that, I bow- deeply, slowly, and softly.